
The 4-Letter Word That Can Hold You Back (and it’s not fear!)
I was working with a client recently who was looking to make some big changes in his life.
He was frustrated because he’d really wanted to start his own business for over a decade.
But he kept putting it off and didn’t know why.
He had a great job in terms of income, but he had little work/life balance and was ultimately unfulfilled and stressed.
Even though he had all the resources to strike out on his own and be successful, something was holding him back.
Jeff Hawkins was a devout Christian and follower of Family Radio International and its host the Californian Preacher, Harold Camping.
When Camping informed his flock that the world was coming to an end and the Rapture would begin in May of 2011, Hawkins burst into action.
He withdrew a large percentage of his life savings and had a neon sign manufactured announcing the event and affixed it to the top of his car.
He then drove back and forth between Long Island and New York City twice a day in an attempt to inform as many people as possible to the forthcoming carnage so that they could repent and join him on his heavenly voyage.
Sadly for Jeff, but fortunately for you and I, nothing much happened on 23rd May other than he’d burnt through most of his saving on gas and a sign that would probably now have to double up as a Christmas ornament on his front lawn.
I bet you’re thinking Jeff sheepishly went home apologizing to all the neighbors he had told were about to die, right?
Not exactly.
Even though the messenger of the news, Camping, was distraught that billions of non-believers hadn’t been wiped off the face of the earth and scuttled off to a motel for a few days to lick his wounds, he soon bounced back.
Apparently it was all a math problem.
Here Comes The Rapture – Part II
The rapture wasn’t a load of old bullshit at all, Harold had just miscalculated and the date with destiny was back on for September.
Good times!
And what a relief for Hawkins. Sure he’d almost run out of money, but no worries as he wouldn’t need any past the Fall because Judgment Day was imminent.
We can laugh at events like this and we can view people like Jeff Hawkins as naive simpletons who shouldn’t be allowed out on their own, but what on earth causes people to act so irrationally and seemingly devoid of any common sense?
Are all people who get swept up by events like the one just mentioned, or indoctrinated into cults, or who adopt any belief that defies reality, really dumb?
Let me risk pissing some people off and take a look at the Law of Attraction because it’s a prime example of people believing in something with zero scientific proof.
I had the pleasure of interviewing a quantum physicist about three years ago and he was incredulous and incredibly irritated by the fact that so many people not trained in physics were claiming that quantum mechanics can prove the existence of the Law of Attraction.
It can’t.
A large percentage of his ire was reserved for Deepak Chopra, a man who has evangelically spread the word that this mystical arm of physics is the key to understanding the Law of Attraction.
Chopra may very well be a doctor, but his doctorate is in endocrinology, a field of science as divorced from quantum mechanics as opera singing is from painting. Sure, both are part of the arts, but you wouldn’t hire an opera singer to paint you a mural.
Chopra is no more qualified to talk about quantum physics than I am to talk about competing in a triathlete because I once went swimming and have a bike.
As probably the greatest Quantum Physicist of all time, Richard Feynman said, ‘If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics.”
And this was a guy who won a Nobel Prize on the topic.
Tens, I don’t know, maybe hundreds of millions, of people fervently believe in manifestation and the law of attraction without a shred of scientific evidence (in fact just the contrary) to support their belief.
Why?
Where Is The Connection?
What connects my client failing to start his own business, Jeff Hawkins trying to persuade people the end was nigh and people who believe in the Law of Attraction?
One word.
Hope.
Hope is one of the most powerful driving forces in our lives and without it we cease to effectively function. A lack of hope is the precursor to severe depression.
As such, we will often do whatever we can to cling on to hope.
We need hope.
Hope that we will find a better job. Hope that we will recover from illness. Hope that we will find a fantastic partner. Hope that we will be able to sleep well tonight. Hope that our kids don’t do drugs. Hope that the meal we are cooking will turn out great. Hope that our team will win this weekend. Hope that we we can get fit. Hope that the movie we have just paid to see won’t suck
And I really could go on ad infinitum but I’m guessing you hope I don’t bother and just get to the point.
People believe the Law of Attraction is true, because that would be awesome – even I can agree with that.
To think that we can effectively control the way the Universe treats us just by the way we think/vibrate/whatever is so liberating.
As such people will fight to hang onto that belief because to do otherwise wipes out that hope.
And Jeff Hawkins believed the Rapture would happen and when it didn’t the first time that challenged his hope. Rather than letting go of the hope, he decided to believe the date was wrong and start all over again.
When Hope Can Actually Hold You Back
With my client it’s somewhat more complex.
You may think that because he has all he resources (finances, skills, contacts etc.) fear of failure is the reason he hasn’t struck out on his own, and it kind of is.
But not as you may think because fear of failure doesn’t really mean anything in and of itself.
It’s the fear of losing hope and having to settle for something he doesn’t want if he fails.
At the moment he is hoping and dreaming of a better life and nobody can take that feeling of a brighter future off him.
But what happens if he tries and fails?
If that happens he knows he’s probably stuck doing what he’s presently doing and all that hope for a brighter future will evaporate.
If there are things you really want to do but simply cannot get yourself to act, look to see if it’s because failing will remove hope.
Then you can start to challenge yourself with questions such as, ‘Am I scuppering a potentially fantastic future by clinging on to hope?’.
And. ‘What happens when time runs out and my hope vanishes by default?’
Then you can start to take action
Wow, that last remark really struck me. I never really thought of my inaction in that frame before. But when I consider it, I often lose hope when I fail at something. So over time, I’ve become conditioned to fear action due to not wanting to lose the hope that I can live a life I desire. It’s true, hope, like all things, will expire and the chance to do such things will pass by.
Thank you for your perspective. It’s made an impact on me, at least for today anyways!
Much love and all the best.
Glad it helped Daniel!
Hope is a powerful word or idea. But in some ways, I feel like doubt can still find its way. I find that coming from a place of “knowing” can be even more powerful. Just remove the arrogance and add a dash of humility of course : )
Excellent! This is the first time reading your posts, Tim. Hope Risk Assessment is going into my toolkit…is the fear there? how big is it? what can I do about it? Thanks for your insight!
Interesting post as always, Tim. However, I must add that your clients fear of losing hope is a valid one. As someone who has tried and failed at so many life enterprises, and who is now one of the long-term unemployed, struggling to get work anywhere, I can confirm that losing hope is a bitch. I’ve all but given up on everything I wanted to do in life, and am now learning to live with doing whatever it takes to make it through to the end of my life, whenever that might be. Other than lowering my expectations and being grateful for what I have, I have no hope that anything I do will better my life. I don’t have much hope for the future at all. So your client should be afraid. Be very afraid.
Obviously that sucks Karen, but I’m going to have to disagree.
Some of the most successful people are those who carried on pushing when all they had left was hope.
Debilitating fear creating inaction would have deprived us of some incredible people and achievements.
I think it’s different for different people and because life isn’t fair, or even remotely fair, there is always an element of luck.
I don’t disagree that some of the most successful people are those who carried on pushing when all they had left was hope. However, I spoke about losing hope – which is what those said successful people who carried on pushing did not experience. My point was that losing hope is a bitch and it can happen, so it is best to be aware that it is a risk. Don’t let it freeze you into inaction but don’t fool yourself that if you fail, you may lose hope. That loss is tough to overcome and you also lose the desire to keep pushing forward.
I read this blog with interest, since hope isn’t getting me out of bed in the morning. Usually, I know when something hits home; I feel it in my gut or it settles on my shoulders. While I don’t refute your hypothesis, it slid off me and found a convenient crack in the floor. I know everything isn’t about me, but this felt like it might be close. My brain is starting to spin. I will read it again and see. Thank you for waking me up, even if I’m still in bed.
Not sure how to respond to that Susan other than to say I hope you’re ok and start to feel better soon.
Excellent! But I do believe that clear intentions plus commitment is a more empowering way than hope.
Yeh hope is just the starting point. Without any hope whatsoever you’re unlikely to set intentions or act.
I love thought provoking posts! Thanks Tim for this and your contribution to the coaching practice.
“And. ‘What happens when time runs out and my hope vanishes by default? The you can start to take action.”
Or just die…which of course is the worst possible time to realize that you should or could have taken some action earlier!
Even by it’s definition (a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen), hope keeps us looking forward, unattached to what is going on now. Hope does serve a function by motivating us to keep going and it is only through our actions or some cases in-actions that produce any results. How we react to those results is our fundamental choice and where our power lies.
Is there life without hope?
Of course there is..or not
Yeh please don’t die on my Rick, I need all the readers I can get! Thanks for your comment.
Great Post Tim – really made me think a lot about how much the fear of losing hope can be a real motivator / demotivated towards going after our dreams, showing up and getting in the arena. I’d add a discussion of this to the next coach the life coach class.
Interesting idea Justin, thanks and let me give it some thought.
I think you may be right here my good man. This may very well be one of your better posts in a while. The idea that a person’s inaction is a fear of losing hope explains things as an even greater emotional disgrace, far beyond the usual perfectionism lying at the heart of procrastination. In the end, it’s a story. Albeit, an emotional, or even spiritual story perhaps, but you are to be commended for getting to the bottom of it. Well done.
Thank you good sir! And yes this one definitely clicked because I have most definitely been off form of late.
Interesting perspective. I have lots of fear of failure and have never thought about it as relating to loss of hope. Thanks for keeping me thinking.
You’re very welcome, thanks for reading!
Fear of losing hope is still fear, isn’t it?
Yes but fear is just a symptom, without knowing the cause you’re just left feeling anxious and fearful without knowing why or what to do about it.
If an alligator burst through your door now armed with an AK-47 you’d be fearful, but you’d know to get the hell out of there or have a rotisserie chicken available to pacify him.
Well done!
This post reminds me of the “8 worldly preoccupations (or concerns) where all one’s actions are governed by:
– hope for happiness and fear of suffering
– hope for fame and fear of insignificance
– hope for praise and fear of blame
– hope for gain and fear of loss…
Basically, it seems, our behavior is governed by attachment and aversion.
I’ve not come across that before I like it. Reminds me of the 5 Hindrances. Thanks!
That is great Tim. It is so very true and when it is spelled out as clearly as that it seems obvious. Once again you are right on the button. Thanks
Mike Rainey
You’re welcome and hope you’re well Mike!
Hope is as hollow as fear. Both are projections into some undefined future based on the past. What’s wrong with right now?
Intention, on the other hand, is a gentle leaning in a particular direction with no expectations. Try it & see what happens.
Can we just is unfolding right now without attachment or resistance, labelling or opinions? Try it & see what happens.
Thanks for the post, Tim.
I don’t disagree with them being projections, but what I think you’re talking about is bordering on enlightenment and I’m not there yet.
I like the Wayne Dyer quote even though I was never keen on his stuff per se (he lied too much!) of high intention low attachment, but I think there are varying degrees of intention.
Most people have intentions that are never fulfilled from getting fit to saving money and whatever else you can think about and all those are linked to hope.
I know you’re talking about something ‘softer’ for want of a better word, but I also think it is almost entirely unattainable for 99.9% people to abandon hope and fear and always be in the moment.
To achieve that we literally have to rewire our brain and that can take decades of serious practice. I’ve been meditating for over 10-years but sill find myself being sucked back into the vagaries of life regularly.
One of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Bodhipaksa, has been teaching for 30-years and admits that he can occasionally be hit by anxiety or worrying about the future. I’m sure that he reconnects quicker than most.
I think when we suggest that doing something so incredibly difficult is just a matter of trying it and seeing what happens we run the risk of people thinking there is something wrong with them if they can’t immediately shake themselves free of fear and hope.
Interesting comment Tom, thanks for making me think.
Your client and I sound like we are living a very similar life. I’ve had thoughts like these for years.
“At the moment he is hoping and dreaming of a better life and nobody can take that feeling of a brighter future off him.
But what happens if he tries and fails?
If that happens he knows he’s probably stuck doing what he’s presently doing and all that hope for a brighter future will evaporate.”
When I start to feel discouraged and start to worry that if I fail my hope goes with it, I remind myself that the only real way for me to fail is to give up. So, in my mind, I keep that hope alive by remembering that I can never truly fail unless I quit… and I’m not quitting, so I act.
Exactly right, not trying is the real failure, but hope can keep us from seeing that sucker.
What an exciting and nerve-wracking place to be, being on the verge of acting on a dream! More in your face than losing the hope of the dream is the feelings that can rise up of lack- of self-trust, of self-confidence, of accepting support, of being enough to make it work. Often in the face of stepping into the hope-filled dream can be huge overwhelm that really requires a friend or coach to break it down into doable steps so the excitement becomes bigger than the apprehension. I like how you put it – that the only way to fail is to give up. But that first step can be HUGE.
I ove this post Tim! Thank you so much.
Thanks Eva!
That makes a lot of sense. Keep em coming :)
Will do mate!