Do You Take Criticism Personally?
I was listening to an interview on the radio this week when all of a sudden the person being interviewed bristled when asked a question about whether any improper behavior had taken place under his watch.
He responded by saying, “I take that as a personal insult”.
My initial reaction was, seriously, you take that as a personally insult?
Bud, you need a whole team of Life Coaches and therapists if a simple question provokes that kind of response.
To me it didn’t sound anything like a personal insult, just a journalist searching for more information and trying to make an interview as interesting as possible for her listeners.
One of my favorite books ever and one that I cannot believe I left out of my 20 Greatest Self Development Books Ever Written post is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz..
One of the Four Agreements (al) is to not take things, especially criticism, personally.
On the face of it that sounds like a fairly easy thing to do, but the reality is it’s incredibly difficult for most people.
When anybody criticizes us, snubs us, argues with us, abuses us, laughs at us or irritates us we tend to think it’s all about us.
But it never is personal, unless we choose to allow it to be.
And yes it is a choice, because if anybody else could deal with a similar situation with equanimity then it’s the interpretation that you place upon the event that matters, not the event itself.
The reality is nobody knows you as well as you know yourself.
And if you accept that undeniable truth, then nobody can know exactly what’s going on inside your head at any one point in time.
Therefore, how can they be being personal when they don’t even know you?
It has to be about the other person and not you.
If you can adopt the behavior of never taking things personally, here’s what I guarantee will happen.
You’ll be a happier person.
So what do you reckon, do you fancy trying it out for a week?
Feel free to tell me this post is crap and I’m an idiot and see if I take it personally.
If you’d like to deal with criticism better, check out my post Coping With Conflict and Criticism.
The Best Self Development Posts Ever Written
Thanks to all of you who nominated a favorite post in the comments of “What’s The Best Self Development Post You Have Ever Read?“, I really appreciate it.
It has proved to be more work than I anticipated, but I hope to have the list compiled and published in the next 2 or 3 days.
I was going to close the comments today (Sunday), but I’ll let them run until the end of play Monday.
So if you still want to offer your support to your favorite blogger, go for it!
Are the comments still open? Tim, I have recently discovered you website and even if I think, and feel and know that I am not stuck any more in my life, I am certainly stuck to your blog since a few days.
Otherwise I have the best motivational video that I have ever seen to offer you. Here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSrAJsWvEIc&feature=related
It works with me :)
They are indeed Loulune, it was placed in my spam filter because there was a link in the comment. Thanks for for the feedback and the link I’ll take a look!
Tim, The Four Agreements is one of the most impactful (in terms of actual transformation in my life experience) book I’ve read. Also loved Mastery of Love by Ruiz. It takes the agreements a step further into the realm of love and relationships. Really gave me a solid foundation for creating a healthy and happy relationship.
It’s funny thing about criticism and taking things personally. I think it takes a strong sense of one’s own character and motivation in order to let these things go. If it doesn’t have truth to it, then it’s easier to ignore it.
what happens to me is that I tend to allow the involvement of ego when criticism happens. I develop a sudden need to prove to the critical party why they’re wrong about me. I feel the need to prove my own worth (as if their criticism diminishes me) to them.
Fascinating topic and insights.
I agree with you regarding your point about that person being interviewed. I also experience this kind of situation sometimes and I admit, it’s really hard to accept criticisms especially from those people whom you didn’t expect would say harsh things but I guess, it is a matter of how you accept things and letting go. :)
It’s all about letting go! That could almost sum of life.
Tim,
You and I must be on the same wavelength. I’ve got a similar theme I’m working on for an upcoming blog post. It’s a challenge to not take things personal sometimes. It’s important to realize when you shouldn’t, and in a potential dangerous situation, when you should.
Cheers!
Lonnie
Nah It’s more sinister than that Lonnie, I tapped into your brain and stole your idea. Sorry mate ;-)
I’m on to your plan now.
Yes! I have some officemates that are sooo easily offended. I believe those that seek to be offended will always be successful.
Very true Jennifer!
You wrote this post to have a go at me, you arsehole! (joke).
I am definitely one of those people who rears up too easily. Call me Grizzly Collins! There have been far too many times in my life where I escalate a situation until I reach the point of not caring any more and pressing the nuclear button. It never ends well, yet I’ve still not got myself out of this habit! I’ll be checking the Conflict post you mentioned shortly.
Have you seen the film Catfish? I don’t want to give too much away, but it features a brilliant approach to a difficult situation. Where some of the characters could have quite easily waged all-out war, they sought a peaceful resolution instead. Was it ‘7 Habits’ that said, “Seek first to understand, then be understood”?
I definitely agree with Nea too. The harsher we are to ourselves in our internal monologue, th emore likely we are to “nuke” people that rub us up the wrong way.
I’ve just read the conflict post you linked to above, thanks! Brilliant advice. I actually remember reading it before fairly recently, though as recent events have shown for me, I’ve not put the advice into practice yet. Still, I have an opportunity in the next few days which is sure to test my patience, so I’ll follow your tips and see how it goes.
Yes that was the 7 habits, although I think Covey got the idea from somewhere else, although not 100% sure.
I’d no idea you could rear up easily Rob, you keep that side hidden well ;-)
Tim,I don’t take criticism too personally, and I will smack you if you say otherwise.
Don’t you take it personally that you support a sucky football team that wear the ugliest uniforms in the entire NFL?
If not, let me be the first person to tell you, you should ;-)
Taking things personally is one of those habits that’s hard to shake. Unfortunately, most people don’t even see themselves as doing this. Truth is, we all have our triggers and we’re likely to take things personally when those triggers are pushed.
If someone believes (deep down) that s/he didn’t do a good job, is too ugly/short/stupid/fat, doesn’t have enough talent, isn’t as smart as Jane Doe, etc; they may very well take it personally when something is said that’s a reminder of their belief.
The best way to deal with that, of course, is to dig the problem up by its roots. When you REALLY see yourself as freaking amazing, wonderful, beautiful, deserving, awesome and perfectly imperfect…it’s a lot easier to accept what others have to say.
Yep, either everything in the world is perfect and as it should be, or everything is imperfect and still as it should be.
I think I will give it a try for a week,even though I do not take criticism that personally as the radio dude ;p Sometimes though,criticism can be used to fix our behavior,only ofcourse if the person that criticizes has good intentions or is a very close friend!
By the way,did you have a good time with your niece?I hope you didn’t throw up :D
Have a nice day!
I had a great time thanks mate and all my lunch stayed where it was meant to stay thankfully.
I’d love to get to the point where I don’t take criticism personally, even for a second, but I sure ain’t there yet.
What I am better able to do now is to take a few deep breaths and step back from my initial “Accck!!” reaction. When someone lets me know they think I’m less than perfect, there’s an almost reflexive sense of horror and my first instinct is to deflect, negate, etc. But I know that if I give myself a few moments to let the initial sense of outrage pass, there is almost always a learning opportunity there.
Well, sometimes the learning opportunity is that people can be assholes and criticize you for no reason, but usually it’s a bit deeper than that.
You’re perfect to me Jan so anybody suggesting otherwise is obviously insane.
Could be that the person being interviewed took the comment quickly to heart was because there was some truth to the question. I’ve noticed a lot of folks bristle and then become defensive when they are faced with a situation and don’t want to accept responsibility as it would make them look bad.
Good point Debi, I think there could be an element of truth to that.