Coping With Conflict and Criticism
“You whiny little prick, who the fuck do you think you are?”
Thus started a phone call from a life coaching client about 6 months ago.
I listened fascinated by the stream of vitriol that then spewed forth from the guys mouth for the next couple of minutes. It was worth it though because I learned some juicy new colloquialisms that I can no doubt use myself when a suitable time arises.
I’ll not go into all the gory the details of why the person concerned was so upset, other than to say he hired me because he had accountability issues. He then failed to show for our second session and when I e-mailed him to say he wouldn’t get another opportunity, he took exception.
A minute or so into the conversation the guy paused. I’m not sure if it was to check his Profanisaurus to see if he’d neglected to use any abusive terms, or because he was struggling to comprehend the fact I wasn’t rushing to defend myself, or maybe even counter-attack. Whatever the reason, there was an awkward silence.
Prior to that, when I was listening to the guy rant I felt incredibly calm. That may not strike you as that weird, after all I’m a Life Coach, I should exude peace and tranquility, right?
No doubt anybody that knows me from the UK is now rolling around on the floor in uncontrolled mirth and hoping their sides don’t split.
I think it’s fair to say as little as two or three years ago I would have been foaming at the mouth, the veins on my forehead would have burst and I’d probably have passed out with rage. So in this instance, staying calm was a fairly big deal for me.
The reason I was calm was primarily for two reasons.
Firstly, I knew I had done what I did to help my client. It didn’t matter to me what bizarre motives he wanted to dream up, because that was out of my control. I only had one agenda, and that was to help him hit his goals.
Secondly, and probably even more importantly, this guy didn’t even know me.
We’d spent a total of about 90 minutes together and from that he deduced I was born out of wedlock, was not very well endowed in certain bodily areas and nobody liked me. I’d have been impressed and probably depressed if his name had been Sherlock, but it wasn’t, so I wasn’t.
Why should I care what somebody who doesn’t know me thinks about me? What is the point of that?
In this case I didn’t even try to defend myself. I let the guy blow out and then said to him something like this:
“The only fact here, is that I know what my motives were and you are guessing at them. Anyway, I guess we’re done so is there any point continuing this?”
We did carry on talking for a while and he calmed down a great deal without ever going overboard and actually apologizing.
When I do value elicitations with life coaching clients something often strikes me as unusual. I suppose it isn’t unusual because it happens so often, but it still seems that way to me.
On the anti or away from value list there is the trifecta of worry, anxiety and stress that are frequently at the top of peoples lists, but after those three the most common word people write down is ‘Conflict’
A few weeks ago a women retweeted a quote on Twitter that went something like:
“If you want to catch a salmon, don’t fish in a herring barrel”
I may not have the exact aquatic vertebrates or cylindrical water holding vessel, but that was the gist of it.
I responded by saying I thought that was the crapiest quote I’d read on Twitter that week. I was careful enough to end with ;-) so as to indicate I was being tongue-in-cheek.
Within minutes I had a DM telling me to behave and stop upsetting people.
Seriously, if something like that upsets you, do not join Twitter. Come to think of it, don’t even go online, or watch TV or read the newspapers or leave your home, because you are likely to spend your life being upset.
In an age where so much communication is done via e-mail, IM, and on social sites like Twitter and Facebook without the aid of intonation, tonality or body language, misunderstandings are inevitable. All we can do is manage how we deal with them.
Here we are in a Society where conflict is never more than a crap quote away, yet so many people want to manage that conflict by trying to avoid it. Is that because the conflict itself vexes them or their inability to deal with it?
In some respects it doesn’t matter what the reason is, because whenever you employ avoidance tactics you diminish your ability to deal with any similar situations in the future, and sometimes you cannot avoid them no matter how high you pull the duvet up over your head.
By the way, I’m not just talking about conflict either. If you have social anxiety (and a tens of millions of people in the US do), every event you dip out of exacerbates the situation.
Each avoidance tells your unconscious this is some heavy shit and best to stay away from it at all costs. Consequently, when it happens next time the mind is completely unprepared for the situation and defaults to either fight of flight or shut down mode.
So at the time when you need to shift into higher processing mode (presuming that is, there really isn’t a genuine threat to your safety, if there is, head for the hills!) your pre-frontal cortex is nowhere to be found.
Probably the most important part of this is that you have to accept that criticism is NEVER personal even with people you know. I don’t care what anybody says to you, how personal it sounds and how much it annoys you, it’s NOT personal.
The moment you take criticism as a personal attack is the moment you lose control of the situation and lose the ability to learn from it.
Having said that, accepting that insults or heavy-handed criticism aren’t personal doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from them on occasions. It may be that you only learn more about the other person and their values. Or there may be an element of truth in what the other person is saying.
So let’s get down to it and look at the strategy in more detail.
STFU – When somebody starts to attack you, shut up! Do not try and defend yourself, let them run their course. Even if they are doing this in public, you will be the one that looks in control of the situation and it is far more likely the other person will make themselves look small, so…
DISASSOCIATE – When somebody starts to criticize you take a metaphoric step back and a deep breath as you compose yourself. View the situation from the position of a 3rd person and observe as though you were watching a conversation between 2 people you don’t know. This will then allow you to…
LISTEN – This is so crucial. Most people when they are in the defense mode, are hardly listening after the first few sentences. They have gone inside and are already composing a response usually consisting of reasons why the muppet in front of them is wrong and needs a good slap. Now is not the time to do that because you want to be…
CURIOUS – If you can view things with a genuine interest you are much less likely to get upset. Maybe the other person has just been told they have lost their job, lost their spouse or lost their mind.
About 7 years ago I was driving like a lunatic through London rush hour traffic behind an ambulance. The traffic was parting for the siren and I was tucked neatly in behind it making excellent speed. A number of cars tried to stop me and I got a lot of abuse hurled in my direction as you can imagine, but I hung on in there.
A bit of curiosity wouldn’t have gone amiss by the other drivers at that point.
Was I a complete low life trying to profit from another persons misery to get home sooner? Or was I trying to stay with the ambulance because I had no idea where the hospital was and my father who’d just had a stroke (that he never recovered from) was in the back?
You may think you know the back story, but you may well be wrong, so say…
THANKS – It doesn’t matter what they said, thank them anyway. Even if it’s an insult, thank them sincerely and tell them you will bear what they said in mind. By thanking them you demonstrate you are in control of your emotions and how you want to feel. It will make you feel better and probably confuse the hell out of anybody trying to hurt you..
I know this isn’t easy, but it can be fun and once you have done that you can then…
EVALUATE – Is this criticism or feedback relevant to you? Is it true? Does it give you valuable insights to do a better job next time? Remain detached from the situation and if in doubt ask other people whether they think it’s true. In the story with my client, I was confident that there was little to justify his behavior.
On the other hand, I have been attacked and criticized when it was perfectly justified even if the delivery method was less so. It was a piece of criticism delivered to me 7 or 8 years ago that helped me realize I really was a miserable bastard and it wasn’t the rest of the world that didn’t ‘get it’. That allowed me to…
LEARN – Have you been told you some great stuff about yourself that you can now work on and make yourself even more brilliant than you already are? Or has it told you the person you thought was a friend, really isn’t? If you can learn it’s probably been worthwhile and means it’s time to…
MOVE ON – Put it behind you and do that the moment you have finished analyzing it, maybe even have a laugh about it, because laughter shifts your state so quickly? Whatever you do, don’t keep replaying it in your head ad infinitum and making yourself feel bad, there is zero value in that. Take the good stuff and use it and disregard the groundless insults.
Most arguments look petty and pointless in the fullness of time, so what stops you treating them like that now and enjoying life a bit more?
That is all there is to it. Easy right? Of course it is, because life’s easy, only people complicate it. I’m sure that’s a quote from somebody but I just Googled it and can’t find it, so I apologize for not attributing it. If it’s not a famous quote, I’m claiming it because it should be!
Do you have any cool tips for managing criticism?
Who was it that said ‘timing is everything’? I just picked up a great book the other day from my local library. The title is “FACE-TO-FACE COMMUNICATIONS for Clarity and Impact”
Its from the Harvard Business School Press and was produced in 2004. I goes into all the pre-cursors of a conversation and points out the many ways to read the person with whom you are havain an exchange of words…(a little humor there). Anyway the book points out in many of the first 30 pages which is how far I made it in under an hour how many body language triggers are present and how they can be interpretted differently. This applies directly to conflict situations. Well Tim, your little write up gave me the kick I needed to check out more information on communicating with others. Heaven knows my life and those around me could certainly benefit from me taking stock before opening my mouth in what is not always an IDEAL time. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.
Tim,
Yeah, but they made so many cool “BLACK BELT” Magazine covers!!!
Mike
@ Mike – It’s funny how many of those martial arts dudes are dead. A coincidence? I think not!
@ nudgeme – I think here though when road rage does kick in it’s a bit more than being given the finger, it involves armor piercing bullets!
@ Celes – Thanks a lot. On reflection I’m not really sure if I was thinking of the positive intent, more along the lines of “Wow this guy must be having a terrible day!” But you’re right, there is always a positive intent behind such behavior.
@ Wade – Glad it helped. I Agree there’s seldom if ever a need for criticism unless it is delivered in a thoughtful and constructive way, but I’m afraid life is seldom ideal.
Tim: Sometimes I wonder what gives anyone the right to criticize someone else? What makes their opinion so high and mighty that they feel the need to ‘share’ nay inflict it on someone in the first place? I personally find it very hard to deal with conflict and generally avoid it simply because I don’t know how to cope with it properly. I usually find my self getting very angry when on the receiving side and end up saying something very stupid(this is when you realize oh hell, can’t take that back now). This certainly sounds negative, however, I can honestly say this article and the comments that follow have given me some tools I can really use.
Tim, I found this post very intriguing, especially on how you managed your client so well! Personally, I found that I became increasingly patient (even to extents of surprising myself) after I started life coaching. I believe the patience comes from the underlying belief that there’s always a reason why people do the things they do, so my natural reaction is to seek to understand the ‘why’/intent of the person rather than resist/insist. Even in cases where people are violent/negative, I filter away the negativity and look deep into the intents behind the words, understand, learn, integrate this new tidbit of info in my life, then move on. Very much like what you shared in your post. This is a great article!
@Tim sounds scary … but at least you say the tolerance level seems higher in the US! Sounds v similar to the driving in Cape Town where I spend time where there is no such thing as the ‘overtake on the right’ rule so you need to continually check both wing mirrors!?
“Like steel, men are worthless when they lose their temper”;written by some dead martial arts Japanese dude……
I see two things when I encounter a person who must resort to this behavior. One is suffering, the second is fear. Suffering causes the outbursts to try and get people to share the internal pain that they are feeling. Fear is a byproduct of lack of control of a situation, or a failure to predict an outcome.
Recognizing those two traits in the person that is blasting away at your heritage, manhood, or profession makes it easier to do just as Tim has suggested. It reconnects you to the human that is behind the squawking butthole, and it allows you to better weather the storm.
Remaining at the center of the hurricane is the challenge we all face. We get sucked out into the rain bands, and we must re-center ourselves. Empathy can help us deal with both conditions that our assailants are suffering from. Presence is another. I think Tim put up a cool meditation CD from Bodhipaksa before, and I thoroughly enjoy that to work on finding and keeping my center.
I work with people on conflict of a violent nature quite a bit, and deal with some real outbursts from people when their airport experiences aren’t quite up to their expectations. I use a simple process to cope better.
My quick and dirty conflict toolbox:
1. I introduce myself if I have not met the person already.
(gives me a name to go with %$*#&@)
2. I assume a non violent posture, to enable them to continue their rant without heightening their possible fear. I am usually in uniform, and only get the exasperated individual griping at me for the most part.
3. I maintain eye contact and try to paraphrase the complaint, grievance, or plea.
4. I try to get the context of their position with some questions.
5. I present options, or a resolution suggestion, or disengage.
6. I prepare myself for the worst situations(physical), so I can remain human, without fear, and calm while I deal with someone elses emotional flashover.
7. I am always prepared to say I’m sorry if I have aggravated a situation, or caused it all together. I try to pre-program myself to be that guy who gives the two handed “my bad” for being the bonehead in traffic, or hosing up something for someone else.
Great post Tim!!!
@ nudgeme – I’ve noticed the driving thing a lot more in the US than the UK. Hardly anybody ever acknowledges you over here. Seriously almost never.
Where I pull out of my subdivision it is a 2 lane highway. I have NEVER had anybody pull into the outside lane so I can pull out. I also regularly get people in the inside lane turn in at the last minute without indicating whereas if they had done I could have got out.
I think it’s just the way people are taught to drive. It took me 6 months to learn in the UK and road courtesy was a major part of it. Over here my driving test took less than 5 minutes and I never left the parking lot, and no, I’m not joking although I thought the examiner was!
Having said all that, people seem a lot more tolerant of bad driving here, I can’t remember seeing anybody give me the finger!
Just wrote a whole comment, pressed send and got an error page …… but won’t turn it into a crisis!? Brilliant post Tim and particularly your point about never taking things personally. The old use of ‘reframing’ (if you can just count to 10 long enough to do it …) also really works. Driving is a good example: when you pull over to let someone pass and they don’t thank you – one of my bug bears – but these days I just think they don’t know me from a bar of soap and are probably in a world of their own trying to get to work or an appointment or whatever. Also setting things in a bigger context of ‘this too will pass’ and if it’s not ‘death,warm or famine’ why get het up about it can help to diffuse most situations too. I guess it’s just harder when it feels like a personal attack and well done you on keeping quiet with your client ….. great lessons in this post for us all – and, as always, the humour makes for an enjoyable read!
Going to tweet this now …..
All the best
Tamsin/nudgeme
@ Rhonda – Actually it was Idi Amin that loved puppies, he had two for breakfast every day
@ Laurie – Try not to read this blog under water next time.
@ Rachel – Now I think about it, I think it was you, you bastard!
@ Sherryayn – Quick tweet about it then and tell everybody in the whole world.
Is 3 Cheers the maximum, or does it go up to 5 or even 10?
Awesome post Tim. Thanks for it!! I used the listening part as much as possible the last couple of days. Not defending myself when in conflict but asking more questions to uncover their true objective. It only ended up flustering the other person. This wasn’t the intention but it worked great. And I looked like someone who wanted more information and didn’t just jump to conclusions.
3 cheers!
I am the person who would probably be swearing at you beind the abulance not thinking that I might not know why you were there. oops. . . I will take a very deep breath, forgive myself and smile :)
Sorry I missed breath Tim. I was getting dizzy from holding mine!
:) No subplot about how “Hitler loved puppies.” Nor “Idi Amin’s secret passion for floral embroidery.” :)
Although some zealots out there might not see the diff. Actually, it’s kind of a Red State/Blue State thing.
@ Laurie – Breath is in there!
@ JJ – But that picture of you on Twitter looks so laid back ;-)
@ Janet – The key like anything is to practice when not under pressure. Get your brain used to reacting like you want it to.
You wouldn’t learn how to drive on snow and ice, so don’t try this stuff when you are under a full frontal assault because it probably wont work.
@ Vicki – Thanks a lot and glad I finally got something right on Twitter!
@ Mark – Yep
@ Rhonda – I have to confess I stole that from a very funny adult comic in the UK called Viz! That sounds interesting. So will you be having things like “Hitler really loved his mom and was kind to animals’?
@ Mike – Always available for life coaching, weddings and parties!
This was a great post. Peopple (and I included) could learn alot from you. To be honest, I would have exploded. I think I could use your help… :)
Profanisaurus! I love it! I am SO stealing that. :)
I’ve Stumbled this post. Apparently, I wasn’t the first to do so. Your recommendations here are so handy in a world where people really need to rant and vent. The target (us) may really just be in the wrong place at the right time.
I’m writing a novel featuring controversial characters in a sympathetic light. I’d been dreading confrontation from the folks who might disagree with that portrayal. Having a plan for a response (straight out of Sunday morning political TV, actually) is a good idea. Thank you.
Absolutely. In my line of work I tend to be on the end of quite a bit of criticism. Not being defensive is so important.
Hi Tim,
I enjoyed this article. I especially enjoyed the title of your tweet! Excellent job of getting my attention and getting me to click on the link. I’ll be passing this one on for sure. Keep it coming!
Vicki
Profanisaurus! Love it.
I think your first two steps are both the simplest to remember and the hardest to actually do under pressure. And they’re key to allowing the other steps to happen. Silently repeating “profanisaurus, profanisaurus” may help. Think I’ll try that…
Hey. Cool post Tim!
I’m glad you tricked me into reading it by calling me a moron on Twitter.
The bit I find the hardest is the “listen” bit.
Due to my tendency to be a right smug bastard sometimes, I find the “STFU, Dissociate” bit pretty easy.
But then I tend to go into my mind and congratulate myself for not being way cooler than the guy that’s mad. And it’s hard to listen and care when you’re involved in a funny mental one-upmanship game by yourself!
This was a cool post for me. “Conflict” is right up there on my list…
Great ideas. I like how you made one step flow into the next. I think if I can get the “STFU” point, then I can make it the rest of the way through (except for maybe moving on….that’s a tough one) The only thing I might add to your list would be “breathe”. I wouldn’t want to pass out right there or have my head explode on the spot.
@Corey- yeah you took a couple of hits and I really don’t get it. BUT blow them off. They are obviously jealous that you have all the sex answers and they don’t.
@ Corey – What, you mean you are a marriage counselor and you’re not perfect?? Whatever next I ask myself ;-)
BTW, if anybody just got an e-mail denouncing my language, unfortunately is wasn’t legit. I know the culprit although a genuine attack on me would be very cool. Especially if I then went nuts at the person!
Hey Tim- this post is very timely for me at least. Just this week I’ve announced my desire to take my site and mold it into a business as well as a blog. This has been met with criticism and conflict, from some at least. Even as a counselor, where I know that most of the time it’s not personal, it’s hard to hear. Thanks for the pointers.
Incidentally, is it bad if I want to save the negative commenters contact info so I can write to them later after I am hugely and wildly successful? That’d feel really good, but probably would go counter to your post. Oh well.
@ Amy – It isn’t always easy, but then again neither is naked mud wrestling.
@ Cath – I went back and slid breathing in, thanks a lot for that!
I know that job is really tough because my sister and nephew do similar things (the latter was looking after Thompson of the Jamie Bulger case at one stage). I’m guessing a client calling you a whiny prick would be a breeze after that ;-)
@ David – You’re welcome and kudos that you did change. Some people end their life never having learned that.
An interesting and informative article. I wish I’d read it years ago… looking back on some previous criticism, I would have handled it very differently. The advice not to replay the criticism over and over is great – I made that mistake and ended up learning nothing from the criticism, now I see that some of it was justified.
Thanks for a great article!
Loved this post. It fits well with your post on handling stress, which included other tips like BREATHING.
I’ve heard it said that your personality is the strategy that you develop for getting out of childhood alive. Well the strategy that worked best for me was avoidance – leaving the arena both mentally and physically when conflict happened. And you’re so right that avoidance only reinforces the fear. Over the years, as I’ve been willing to face conflict head-on (I became a child protection social worker, go figure!), I’ve become less fearful of it, and given myself the evidence that I can deal with conflict. It still raises my heartbeat big-time though, and I have to remember to breath so I can access all the new strategies I’ve learned for dealing with conflict.
Oh, and another strategy I’d add, which you do so well, is HUMOUR. I find I deal with conflict much better when I’m not taking myself or the other person too seriously.
Cath
Love this post, Tim. Conflict isn’t something I’m terribly adept at dealing with. This seems like a great strategy to adopt!
Amy
xx