
Why You Still Want To Kick Someone’s Butt Even Though You Meditate (And Why It’s Okay)
Even though I’m back off a super vacation, we still have friends staying and I’m chillin to da bone for another day or so.
So in the meantime please enjoy this rather excellent guest post from Lynn Hauka
You’ve been meditating for a while and you’re sure annnnnnny minute your inner peace is gonna kick in.
Yet you’re jittering in your seat like a squirrel on Red Bull.
I mean, c’mon, you haven’t got all day! Gimme peace and give it to me now, dammit!
You take a deep breath.
And another.
Finally…FINALLY your tension melts away.
When some jerk outside jacks up his stereo, nearly catapulting you out of your chair. Fireworks explode in your brain.
And all you want to do is roar out the door and kick someone’s butt.
Whoa. What the hell? You’re not supposed to feel this way, right?
Your stomach knots. You’re sure you’re the worst meditator ever.
Then you figure meditation has got to be some stupid New Age scam. Yeah, that’s it!
Screw Deepak and Oprah.
Busting A Myth About Meditation
You’ve been lied to.
You’ve been told meditation will turn you into a sweetly smiling saint; endlessly kind, patient, and positive.
But that’s a crock.
You’re not an android. You’re built to have feelings. Meditation won’t erase them. And that’s good! Because without emotions your life would be as flat as a gravestone.
The Only Thing You Need To Do About Your Feelings
Accept your emotions. All of them. The whole shebang: happiness, frustration, joy, anger, delight, and fear. Welcome them until accepting them becomes second nature.
That’s it.
Feels scary, right? Feelings are messy. They’re embarrassing. If you admit to them isn’t that like flying your freak flag for everyone to see?
But here’s the thing: you absolutely don’t have to share them with anyone else. This isn’t the confessional and you don’t have to do penance.
Just don’t deny them.
Hey, we’ve all been taught to cover up how we feel. You’ve been chided to always be positive and warned that you’ll attract negativity if you admit to feeling negative.
What a load of sanctimonious blame-the-victim bullshit!
Pretending to feel different than you do is to deny the core of your humanity.
And denial is dangerous to your well-being.
Why Denying Your Emotions Enslaves You To Them
When you deny your emotions it’s like sweeping dirt under the rug. The floor looks clean but the dirty pile continues to grow until it trips you. So too do your unaccepted feelings pile up and become your dark side.
And when your dark side gets dark enough it owns you as completely as The Godfather would if you defaulted on your loan.
You know that friend you have who regularly makes destructive life choices even though they know better?
Usually it’s because their dark side is in the driver’s seat as they spin out of control like a Maserati on black ice.
Be kinder than that to yourself.
There’s no need to beat yourself up about how you feel. No more struggling to pretend something negative is positive. No more fear that you’re ruining your life because you’re attracting bad juju to yourself.
While you meditate, welcome your emotions into the light. Then their power over you will diminish.
Your Faith In Meditation Will Be Tested
Awhile back someone I’d welcomed into my family suddenly turned on me like a crazed wolverine.
She was in a lot of pain; lashing out; hurting people I love.
Even though I understood what was going on, one evening I felt so angry I wanted to punch her out in the bathroom at Chuck E. Cheese while we were at a two-year-old’s birthday party.
Seriously.
Understand, I’m 58 years old, a grandma, and a long-time meditator who’s spent a fair amount of time in deep meditation retreat. People often say to me something like “I look at you and I see peace”. And a lot of the time I really do feel peaceful.
Yet there I stood imagining how good it would feel to bury my fist in her face. I even figured it’d be easy to clean up the blood – just hose down the tiles. It sure wasn’t peace anyone looking at me would have seen right then.
I was appalled by the rage’s stark power. I had a moment of, “Shit, even after all the damn meditation?”
Then the confidence developed through meditation kicked in, whispering its reassurance. “Feelings are just feelings. They come and go. Always changing. Nothing to get bent out of shape about.”
In my pre-meditation days I would have been horrified with myself, burying the rage under a thick layer of fake cheerfulness. And I would have paid the predictable price of strengthening anger’s dark grip on me, leaving it even more in control.
Instead, I took a deep shuddering breath and my entire being relaxed into acceptance. “Okay, yep. There’s rage. Wow.”
Are You Ready To Keep Meditating Despite Still Wanting To Kick Someone’s Ass?
Stop trash talking yourself just because you still get mad enough to whack someone upside the head.
You’re human. You’re built to have all kinds of emotions.
Use the quiet of your meditation sessions to accept your feelings just as they are. Then practice accepting them as they come up during the rest of your day.
Even if you’re able to welcome them for only a moment, you’ve still made progress. All it takes is that one moment to start building your confidence, and you’re on your way!
Embrace every single one of your emotions. Welcome them as a reminder of your essential humanity. And be ready to discover how completely juicy and rewarding life will be.
Author bio:
Lynn Hauka teaches meditation to people who want to let go of life’s craziness. Get a free 10-minute guided meditation when you sign up with her at QuitTheCrazy.com.
Want To Learn How To Meditate For Free?
Then I have written a monster post called A Beginners Guide To Meditation, especially for you!
Your post on meditation was ridiculously funny. So glad to see so many reactions to the humor in our god-awful human emotions and impulses. I should dictate a post while driving around Fort Lauderdale – the motto for these drivers is “stupid is as stupid does.” Again, marvelous post. If we took ourselves a lot less seriously, we’d all smile quite a bit more. Thanks! And thanks to Jon Morrow for pointing me to your post!
Hi Christy,
What a great insight about drivers! For so many of us, being on the road – especially in traffic – is so challenging!
I have a suggestion: next time you’re driving, set yourself a challenge to go five minutes without saying anything about the other drivers out loud. Just notice how you feel. I betcha it’ll be very interesting!
I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
LOL hi Claire, you made me laugh too, thank you!
It’s great that you’ve made such a clear connection between the quality of your sleep and your meditation and tai chi practice. Sometimes we forget that it’s entirely possible to bring self awareness to our sleep too; improving its quality definitely helps with that. Also, watch your dreams. Do you notice a difference when you sleep better?
Thanks for making time to read and comment!
Hi Lynn,
Holy crapola I love this post.
I could totally relate to “I even figured it’d be easy to clean up the blood – just hose down the tiles.” Made me laugh!
I have been meditating and practicing tai chi on and off for years; more consistently in the last few as I have found if I don’t practice several times a week, I don’t sleep well at all.
Here I was looking for inner peace and found a good night’s sleep…somehow all related…and best of all, keeps me from having to hose down the tiles.
Cheers,
Claire
Hi Lynn,
That was an amazing post.
And I do love it when people freely use the word bullshit too ;)
I have been practicing self-awareness techniques and meditation for a while now and although they sure come in handy – and have taught me the value of being an observer of my life as I participate in it…like you, there are times when I’d love nothing more than to punch someone (kinda like the person blasting off fireworks right outside my window well after midnight last night).
You’re so right about the fact that our unobserved emotions run our lives. Staying present enough to actually welcome them in and communicate with us is tough, but necessary. It takes time, a lifetime actually…but unless we do, they pile up.
Before we know it, they own us.
Hi Dana,
Thank you for your kind comment. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
Yes, people’s actions will still bug us. And y’know, we can actually be grateful for feeling annoyed or angry because our personal growth potential when we feel that way is so much richer and deeper. As long as we bring awareness and lightness to our feelings!
Thanks for making time to read and comment :-)
Hey Lynn,
I just found your post through Jon Morrow’s blog. I really have to agree with you on this. Yes the goal of meditation is to bring you piece, and I have seen a couple of videos of how it unites the conscious with the subconscious, but the key is the “conscious”. Although you’re at piece you’re still aware that you are human as you pointed out and it would help to much to bury all the negative feelings you have since it’s the human nature that we all have them.
I just started meditating a couple of months ago, and I can feel the difference. But there are times you want to be blunt and hurt some feelings when people push certain buttons. I figure we’re all selfish and this is also a part of human nature, and it’s fulfilling to bring some people back down a couple of notches before they go overboard.
Thanks for sharing Lynn! Happy New Years!
Hi Sherman,
How great that you notice a difference from your meditation practice.
And more good news: as you continue, there won’t be as many buttons for people to push. Some things that used to really bug you will flow right past you and you’ll just kinda raise your eyebrow and smile.
Yet you’ll still be human with all the negative feelings, you just won’t get caught in them for as long. Yeah!
Thanks so much for making time to read and comment.
Love this post of wit and wisdom all roiled into one. Loved that you acknowledged seeing/knowing the lady wolverine in question was in a lot of pain. Yet, that awareness did not stop the rage, gwad I know this one well.
Myself in similar age to you and meditation company; generally patience is my closet friend, that’s when I like me. But… then one sibling, who I have secretly nicknamed “trigger” brings out a freaked out person I barely know – and I’m learning to like her too. Meditation helps me to gently see human learning is life long. Thank you!
Hi Susan,
You’re so right that awareness doesn’t stop the pain. Far from it! But it sure does lessen it in the long run. Great insight.
Thanks for making time to comment.
Great post Lynn! I love the humour in this piece. I spend a lot of my life these days wanting to kick butts but meditation not so much. I suppose I have always felt that meditation depended on a desire for the sort of serene introspection that I would rather not commit to on a daily basis. Having read this I get the feeling that I probably should give it a go. Your 10 minute guided meditation download looks like a good place to start!
Hi Martin,
LOL what a refreshing observation, not necessarily wanting the serene introspection. Sometimes, yeah, for sure. But holy crap is it sure to be frustrating if that’s the *goal* instead of simply seeing what comes up while you meditate.
Let me know how you like the meditation. Thanks for joining the list.
Great post Lynn. I never understood why people faked their happiness. Just deal with it, feelings are a part of life. Besides, faking them doesn’t make them real, probably just makes you angrier.
I always acknowledge my feelings and use meditation to pull everything all together.
~Lea
Hi Lea,
Yes, you’re right! Faking happiness just boomerangs the anger back on us. Thanks for your insight!
Lynn, So much wisdom and great advice. Thanks for letting me know that to mediate is wise and to be angry is just human and the two are not incompatible!
Hi Carol, for sure, the two are completely compatible and utterly normal to still feel angry. I think of it as Nature’s way of remind you you’re still alive :-D along with joy and happiness too of course!
Thanks for taking time to comment, I really appreciate it.
You nailed it! We have to experience all emotions instead of suppressing them.
I like what Blaine had to say-“When I speak my mind, I’m an ass. When I bite my tongue, I’m a puss. And when I teeter in-between, I feel fake.”
Great post!
Hi Ann, yes you’ve got it, no suppression. Like Ashley said too, if we do the emotions just pop up in other ways. Thanks for taking time to comment!
Some great points here. Meditation isn’t a solution to your problems, it’s a tool to help you with them. Knowing that can really help you use meditation correctly.
Jordan, what a great way to put it: meditation isn’t a solution it’s a tool. Exactly! Thanks so much for your insight.
Yeh, I really like that to. Thanks Jordan.
Great post Lynn, mindfulness in action, all we need to do is be present with what is arising. The above article sums it up beautifully!
Thank you, and what a valuable point about mindfulness in action. You’re so right! We just need practice to develop the ability to be mindful throughout our day.
Thanks for taking time to comment.
Lynn….
Holy shit…
I. Love. This. Post.
I’ve been learning to control both the Dark Side and the Good Side for almost 42 years. And I’ve learned there are negative/unpleasant trade-offs for embracing one over the other…and also for trying to “balance” smack dab in the middle.
When I speak my mind, I’m an ass. When I bite my tongue, I’m a puss. And when I teeter in-between, I feel fake.
So I figure I’m shooting for a 60/40 ratio of Dark and Light. Just not sure which end goes where. :)
Thank you for reminding me that’s it’s okay to be human. That it’s okay to feel the powerful extremes of the emotional spectrum. And especially that it’s okay to NOT justify my feelings to anyone.
Thank you.
Hi Blaine,
You’re so welcome. We’re not usually taught how to exercise control as you describe. That’s why meditation is so key – it gives you the space and practice to discover how to control your mind/feelings. But also how to free your mind! Yes, it’s paradoxical, but true.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post, and thanks for your authenticity and vulnerability, I admire you sharing with us.
Acceptance. I love it! So many times when we push back against our feelings, they surface in other ways. Great to see a post encouraging us to embrace the rage, rather than fighting against it.
Thank you :-)
Hi Ashley, you are so very right, and what a great point. When we push back they absolutely surface in other ways. Passive aggression, anyone? Which permeates our culture nowadays. Wouldn’t it help if we just owned our feelings!
Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom.
Great article! As a long time meditator, (and a member of Quinn’s sangha!), I completely agree that mediation will not eliminate our emotions, in any way, shape, or form. Instead, it *will* help you to accept your emotions, and cope with them, more effectively. :)
Hi Alyssa,
You got it, and I’m stoked to hear from another long time meditator. You’re so right!
Thanks for stopping by to share your experience.
Thank you Lynn for that breath of fresh air. A pinch of authenticity is worth a truckload of platitudes. Thanks for cutting through the guff! Practical wisdom for the rest of us.
Hi John,
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and got value from it. Right with you on Xing out the platitudes!
Thanks for making time to comment.
What an awesome read! Made me believe that I could give meditation another try!
Hi Nicki,
Yes, give meditation another try! I’d love to hear how it goes for you. You can do it :-D
Thanks for commenting.
Refreshing post with some side-splitting one-liners – my fav is “Stop trash talking yourself just because you still get mad enough to whack someone upside the head” Ha! “Saintliness is exhausting – indeed! :-)
Hi Todd,
Great point, we all surely feel this way from time to time, just please no acting on it! Imagine how different our culture would be if we started off simply accepting how we feel :-)
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Thanks a lot Lynn, another masterpiece guest post from you!
Tim, it’s my pleasure. Thanks for having me!
Thank you, Quinn, you made my day! Now I’m laughing imagining you laughing :-D
I’m very, no strike that, *extremely* curious to hear about your sangha’s reaction. One person in mine cracked me up when he said he could totally identify with wanting to be “that holy meditator”! Me too until it dawned on me that saintliness is exhausting.
I really appreciate you taking time to read and leave a comment.
OMG! I’m laughing so hard I’m having trouble typing!!!
Oh, Lynn – I cannot WAIT to share this my sangha! Though I will wait for a couple of weeks as next week we have a visiting monk joining us for our practice and giving us a dharma lesson.
This is absolutely terrific – spot on about everything – with an inimitable means of expression!
I’m going to print it out and put it on my fridge and keep a copy in my purse!
This is going to make meditating very difficult for the next few days . . . possibly longer!
Excellent, excellent job!
Quinn
Hey Lynn – great post – I love the idea of kicking butt AND meditating! I’m not much good at either, but am inspired to try at least one now:)
Ha! Try, and let me know how it goes! Glad you’re inspired and thanks for the comment.
OMG Lynn, so many gems here. I need to read this again. I’ll be sharing – but I’m supposed to be writing right now! :P
LOL Leanne! Yes, write! And thanks not only for taking time out of your writing to read and comment, but TIA for sharing :-D