Why Should I Care What You Think?
I have had people (usually clients or other bloggers) say to be on many occasions something along the lines of:
“I wish I could do what you do with your writing and say what I think without giving a shit or worrying about offending people.”
It’s a nice, almost backhanded compliment.
I sad backhanded because usually, being told you don’t give a shit means you’re selfish and self absorbed, but I think (at least I hope!) in these cases it meant being authentic.
But it’s not true.
I do give a shit.
Upsetting People Is Not Fun
I really don’t like upsetting people and the thought of people taking my tongue-in-cheek humor at face value and thinking I’m arrogant and cocky makes me feel uneasy.
If it didn’t I wouldn’t have added ‘at least I hope’ in brackets above. That’s my way of saying, “I’m not being arrogant here and saying, look at me, aren’t I great?’
When I got fired by a client a few weeks ago I hardly slept that night.
I know (and tell other coaches I’m training) at an intellectual level that if we’re not getting fired from time to time then we’re probably not truly pushing our clients hard enough.
As it’s only ever happened to me twice in 10 years.
So maybe I have backed off on occasions because I didn’t want a client to think I was being a dick or dislike me?
If you asked me how good I think I am as a Life Coach, I would reply, ‘I don’t know anybody who is better’
If I didn’t care about what other people think I’d stop right there.
But I do, so I feel compelled to go on and explain what I mean because you may think I’m claiming to be the greatest Life Coach in the world.
I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t seen that many coaches work, other than newbies on Coach The Life Coach, as such, I genuinely dont know a better coach.
I’m so fucking passionate about what I do that I’m never ‘off’’.
I’m always learning, always reading, always listening to other view points and always open to new ideas to make me a better Life Coach.
And the reason is because if I didn’t think I was excellent, then I shouldn’t be doing it.
I have to think that.
Otherwise I’d be referring potential clients on as I do when anybody comes to me with help on time management or productivity issues. I suck at both.
Performance Arrogance versus Social Arrogance
That is something called performance arrogance – and it’s often a good thing.
James Altucher is performance arrogant.
His last book doesn’t hold back on telling you about all his massive achievement and he isn’t shy about saying most people have it wrong when it comes to wealth creation and success.
He’s also a (seemingly) shy, self-effacing, honest and genuinely nice and sincere guy. Or at least that what comes through from his writing.
In other words, his performance arrogance doesn’t transfer into social arrogance. He’s not an arrogant person per se.
I dropped my brand new copy of his latest book in the bath literally 5 minutes after starting to read it.
The worst part is I did it as I was getting out so it didn’t even realize for a minute or so. It didn’t get a bit wet, it got soaked and there was ink in the bath water!
I tweeted about my fate and included a picture of the very sad looking book and James immediately responded to say he’d personally send a new copy – which he has.
How awesome is that?
When peoples arrogance doesn’t have boundaries they don’t usually don’t do things like that, because they don’t really care what others think of them.
Caring what others think of us can be a good thing in small doses and when it is reserved for people who actually know and care for us, and most importantly, when it isn’t causing you emotional harm.
When Caring Can Be A Bad Thing
It becomes a bad thing when we reluctantly go to Medical School because we worry our parents will be upset if we chose culinary school.
Or when we don’t start our own venture because we don’t want to let the super nice company down we work for and who’s business we could easily take.
Or even when we stay in a draining relationship because we don’t want the family of our partner hating us for causing a split up.
Even minor things like refusing to go to the Mall without make-up on, in case, heaven forbid, you see somebody you know.
Not offering a contrary opinion when you feel strongly about something because you think people will be irritated.
Or ordering the second cheapest bottle of wine on the list so that the waiter doesn’t think you’re cheap, are all examples of letting other peoples opinions dictate your actions.
Caring too much and too often what others think about you can cripple you.
It can stop you reaching your potential, it can cause mental anguish and it can lead to low self-esteem and the constant need for external validation.
The other day I was getting ready to go to the gym and was putting my kit on.
As I went to take my beige socks off to put some white ones on to match my sneakers, I thought, “What am I doing?”
I’m about to change my socks that are functioning perfectly well and doing all their socks good stuff because I think others may look at me and judge me as a sad-sack middle aged dude who no doubt wears socks with his sandals and has his belt buckled round his navel.
“Fuck it”, I thought and left then on.
Oh My God, Look At The Old Dude!!!
I didn’t notice people staring aghast at my socks.
I didn’t see people rolling on the floor in hysterics, texting their friends to come and look and I wasn’t arrested on leaving for crimes against fashion and good taste.
It felt kind of good.
Even though ‘fuck’ is one of my favorite words and I use it in most blog posts, it’s never to offend.
It’s because I write very stream of consciously (which is why my grammar sucks!) and it’s usually to highlight a point or for comedic effect. In the same way I would if I were talking to you as a friend over a beer or coffee.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t care if somebody gets offended when they land on my blog not expecting a Life Coach to be so in their face and unorthodox.
It just means I’ve pushed through that caring so that I can be a bit more me than I would be if I were constantly censoring myself.
I also realize that taking offense is a personal choice and not something imposed upon you by others.
I pushed through caring what people thought about me when I wrote about gay rights. I did it again when I spoke of my concerns about patriotism/nationalism and the negative consequences.
And other times when I have admitted to being anxious, taking party drugs in my past, being broke and being bitten in my testicles by a doberman puppy.
None of those are very Life Coachey things to write about, are they?
But they are all part of me.
Don’t Stop Caring Entirely
I don’t want you to be self-centered and never give a shit about peoples feeling. The world wouldn’t be a better place if we were all like that.
However, sometimes you have to stop, close your eyes, think of what is best for you in your life – irrespective of what others think.
Then if it doesn’t cause harm to others or risk ruining your life, just fucking do it!
The people who care for you will still care for you, even if there is some initial turmoil. I have no idea what the other 7 billion will think.
However, I do know you will have more respect for yourself, more confidence that the world doesn’t stop revolving if you’re trying to please everybody and you will probably be far more successful and downright happy.
If this post with its bad language has offended you.
Go fuck yourself!
Not really.
I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change so just move right along.
Image Courtesy of Laughing Squid
Coming in at the tail end here: The reason someone like me comes back to your posts is exactly what another commenter (Diane) here said: The openness (vulnerabiltiy) without being cocky (really arrogant – socially arrogant), mingled with the controversional and at times blunt style just resonates with me. We are who we are, warts and all – and we should be able to own up to this reality – without having to be a Sir Anthony Hopkins.
In my professional role it might be important, what people think of me. And what they do think – sometimes someone will actually tell me – is actually exactly who I am: Weird at times, compassionate at times, a razor blade or Militarist when my patience or kindness is misconstrued as weakness or fear to confront. The “weird” label had me worried in my earlier years. But on reflection I suppose that label perhaps stemmed from the fact that I may say things that have a spiritual context, which I relate to a solution for a business problem. Whatever…I was told by a teacher that I was arrogant, when I was only 11 – and he asked me, whether I knew the meaning of the word and I said “of course I do”. And all that because my reading prowess even at such an early age had provided me with enough vocab (German) to challenge the teacher on an unfair treatment of a pupil. I know I can’t be liked by all, and even if I am tempted to say to some arrogant ass “oh, eff off” – I don’t. Not because I am afraid of not being liked, but simply because that would be unprofessional or it might actually put me on the same level as the “Irritant” in front of me. Still, however professional my response might be in such an occasion, the other will understand quite clearly ” this conversation is over ” OR “this is not negotiable”. But you have it nailed Tim, and I like trawling through your posts, because I always find something of interest – and most of the commentators here seem to be real people. Like attracts like. I am trying to butter you up? “This conversation is over”!
Awesome story about being asked if you knew what arrogant meant! :)
Tim? Seriously, “old dude” or not, I don’t care what you call yourself, you’re pretty much the most amazing man I’ve ever seen doing good for humanity on the internet. I’ve never posted here before, being content to be in the shadows lurking around your posts and applauding at your good works but too chicken to say anything to someone who is wiser than Mr. Miyagi. How in the hell are you supposed to sell yourself to a client and yet remain humble and not come off as arrogant? That’s a tough one, especially when they’re hiring you to help them become better versions of themselves if I understand ANY of this correctly. Don’t they want someone who is confident enough to say that there’s categorically nobody better at coaching than you are? Further, who gives a rats ass if they’re offended or think you’re something you’re not. You just went into great detail about why that doesn’t matter. There’s a picture floating around the endless internet… here’s one version: davidknappfisher.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/lions.jpg now… that could be taken as intentional arrogance, as well as intellectual superiority over the masses, which at no point in your venture here have you ever once portrayed. Those who do good works for nothing, whether they also do more on the side as their main job, aren’t by nature selfish and self-absorbed people with an arrogance issue. Look around you at all the selfie sticks (aka narcissism wands) and ask yourself who is the more culpable target of such crap as that really? It’s not you, it’s those who would judge you. Though I hate to hear you lost sleep over a client who ultimately didn’t feel capable of going the distance to better his/herself, it shows again how much you truly are passionate about what you do. My mother used to ask me to always remember, “what will people say about you when you’re gone, always think of that in everything you do.” And you know what? It was garbage advice likely handed down to her when society was still a nicer place to live and human kindness hadn’t gone by the wayside. It was only when I threw that out, and began to live genuinely for myself, and to simply be a good person, good to others, and to pay it forward anytime I saw an opportunity that my life became a better place. I got rid of many physical objects, that would keep me grounded to one place and traveled, became a minimalist person and a much happier person for it. I may still have my issues, but they’re completely mine and not the ghosts of something someone said, thought or judged me for. The best thing to take from this I think, since I’m well past the chicken zone now, and into rant mode, is that people are often needlessly cruel and unthinking, they are selfish to the point of being blind to the plight of others, and even people in relationships are stunned to find out that it’s not working out simply because they placed their reflected notions of romantic love onto their partner, without actually loving who that person was for their own merits in the first place. They let themselves down, but will blame the partner for not living up to their fairy tale. People expect too much, and seem to more and more have self-entitlement issues. The only way to get past it all is to rise above it and be the exception.
YOU are that exception, and I believe every single person you touch through your words, this site, even people like me who have been content to sit idly by and read, and be made to feel better in so many ways (though silent no more) are also made exceptions. It is only when the curtain is lifted from around the comfortable bubble of life that you can really see what lies beyond it. Until then, all that exists is all you know. I’d be damned proud to be you Tim.
Well mate, I don’t know what to say other than thanks very much.
My wife may howl at this as she called me a dick yesterday when I left her to clean up some errant dog poop!
I hope you comment some more, your opinion is just as valid as mine.
Tim
I actually look forward to seeing emails from you because you keep it REAL!
What you say not only speaks to me, I can relate on some level and I learn ad grow.
Thanks for being vulnerable not cocky…I appreciate your style. Granted some won’t so as you say…move on!
Diane
Thanks a lot Diane!
When you own who you are and present yourself confidently you can get away with almost anything. It’s the people-pleasers who get in the most trouble for what they say, because they’re trying to kiss everyone’s ass and it’s impossible to agree with everyone. When you worry less about offending others, people just accept the way you are or they avoid you. Makes life much simpler.
It sure as hell makes life simpler. I think there’s a balance needed to stop us not giving a fuck about anybody, but that’s about it.
Thanks for the great article.
I never heard about performance arrogance vs. social arrogance, but I love the idea. How do I seperate one from the other though? When I brag about my achievements won’t that automatically lead to people thinking of me being arrogant – in both ways?
– Jessica –
I don’t think it’s ever bragging for starters.
Taking James Altucher as an example, he is merely saying ‘look, I’ve done this, I have failed and I have succeeded, I know what works’
Bragging is more aimed at impressing whereas performance arrogance is more total confidence unlikely to be undermined by external opinions in what we do.
Thanks for writing this. I’ve been having things verging on panic attacks for the last week or so and I’m pretty sure it’s around something like this (it’s hard to be around performance arrogant people when you aren’t).
At the moment, I’m the opposite of performance arrogant: I can do really well when I’m working on a personal project or practising alone, but ask me to talk about my skills or perform something and you’d think that I was a piece of sea slime masquerading as a functional human being. For example, I used to play violin, but I haven’t practised much in a few years, because I never liked performing, because I felt so sorry for the people who would have to listen to me play.
I am assured by those close to me that I am in fact not sea slime, and that I shouldn’t feel bad about the things that I feel bad about.
Have you seen any resources about how to increase your ability to be more performance arrogant? It seems like a little bit of the advice from the Learned Optimism book, but maybe applied differently.
Well I can assure you you’re not sea slime!
Learned Optimism is great, but also reframing can help massively.
As could hiring a coach! ;)
https://adaringadventure.com/life-coaching/whats-reframing/
This seems to be a very pertinent issue right now for me. I really don’t change my personal thinking to please others (on a conscious level), but as I’m a blogger, I find myself really worrying about being attacked by commenters if I should WRITE something controversial or offending. The problem is, to get into the really good stuff, it’s going to offend somebody. I mean, in reality a picture of a fuzzy kitten could offend somebody. And even though I cuss freely in life, I feel overly worried about it in my writing, which is partially because I want to be considerate, and partly because I worry readers won’t like me. I hate that I fear the meanness of other people, because it definitely holds me back, which
I like a lot of the points you made here, and I love your candor. It’s one of the things that attracts me to your blog. It’s funny, entertaining, and without clutter. And that’s a refreshing thing to have in my inbox.
Thanks for sharing.
-Tara
As John Lennon said, “If you speak your truth, you won’t have as many friends, but you’ll have the right ones”
You have to polarize people to a certain extent.
Plus if you’re being yourself you almost never get a client you don’t work well with because they already get you.
Taped to one of my monitors at work:
No one else determines your worth.
No one else can dictate what you deserve.
Other people’s reactions, responses and feelings are not your responsibility.
Someone else’s opinion of you is not the Truth.
Your value does not come from how others perceive you.
What other people think of you is none of your business. Your business is between you and your Self and the Universe.
This is not easy but it makes sense. I read it every day to help keep myself on track. Repeat ad infinitum.
That’s very good, do you know the source?
No, I would have attributed it had I known the source. My gratitude to them regardless.
It seems it’s a French proverb!
Ha Ha. Brilliant ending :)
I think “It just means I’ve pushed through that caring so that I can be a bit more me than I would be if I were constantly censoring myself” captures it nicely. The fact is, we all care what others think to varying degrees, even in those moments where we are saying otherwise. It isn’t the caring or how much we care that matters in this context, it’s about how much of ourselves are we suppressing from caring too much. That’s the question to be asking ourselves
Unless you are a true psychopath Keith, they the truly don’t care and there is a believe they make up about 20% of seniry execs and power brokers in this country.
I’m not by they way.
Then again I would say that.