
The Power Of Forgiveness
It took me about 5 seconds to approve this excellent guest post from Sonia Voldseth.
It’s a valuable lesson and a great follow on to my last post, ‘A Beginners Guide To Meditation’. —–
You know that old saying often wrongly attributed to The Buddha, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die?”
It’s so true.
Most people know they need to forgive in order to move forward.
But we’ve received so many mixed messages about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t that sometimes drinking the poison seems like the best option we have.
Have you ever rushed to forgive someone but found it didn’t really work?
Like you forgave them (you thought) but you still felt really crappy and hurt and angry every time you thought about the situation?
And then maybe felt annoyed that the whole forgiveness thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and wondered what was wrong with you?
We All Struggle To Forgive To Begin With
I struggled with this for quite some time.
I thought forgiveness meant hugging the person that hurt you and loving them unconditionally forever.
I thought forgiveness meant letting go of pride.
I thought forgiveness meant laughing about the whole thing over a glass of wine.
It doesn’t.
Or it can. But it doesn’t have to.
Ideally, yes. But it’s a hell of a big ask to do all of those things, especially at once.
Also, the other person involved may not even like wine. Or hugging. Or they might have a lot of pride to deal with too.
You Can’t Rush Forgiveness
Sometimes we try to rush forgiveness without looking at the other stuff that’s mixed up in it, and that doesn’t really work.
We try to rush into it for a variety of reasons.
Because we think we are supposed to.
Because we think it might feel better.
Because that’s what nice girls (or boys) do.
None of these are very good reasons, except for the middle one. But we think that’s selfish.
Don’t get me wrong. I want us all to play nicely. As children and adults.
As a spiritual principle, I am a huge fan of forgiveness.
Forgiveness Is A Gift To Yourself
Forgiveness is the best thing we can do for ourselves, and for the other person, as long as it is real and meaningful.
But I worry that we have gotten awfully confused about how to do it, which makes it ineffective for both parties.
If we think we are just forgiving to make ourselves feel better and that is selfish, that’s not going to work.
True forgiveness however is not selfish. It’s demonstrating a love of yourself, and that has to be present in the equation.
There has to be an understanding that it is okay at first to forgive in order to make yourself feel better. So that you can let go and move on.
That’s the whole poison drinking part. If you don’t let go, you suffer – and by the way, the other person is often blissfully unaware and not suffering at all.
It’s okay to let go so that you don’t feel bad.
There has to be some acknowledgement of HOW and WHAT you really feel, rather than a denial of what you really feel.
But it’s not as easy as just waving the magic wand. You can’t just go through the motions.
You have to go through the corresponding E-motions.
It’s Ok To Be Angry For A Short Time
Sometimes, in order to forgive someone, we have to own up to the fact that we were really, really angry at them.
And that’s not easy – in large part because we think that nice girls and boys don’t get angry.
Nice girls and boys get plenty angry. They just may not want to admit it.
Anger has become the poster child for all bad things.
When it’s bottled up and the lid DOES come off, anger results in rage, assaults and other bad behavior.
Conversely, sometimes people are so good at keeping the lid on that anger has to find something else to do. That often equals depression.
Anger in and of itself is not the problem. It is the suppression of anger and then the resulting explosion or implosion that is the problem.
Tims Note: That was an excellent point. It was widely believed that people who bottled up anger and occasionally let it all go in one mad rush were mentally healthier. This has now been proven to be incorrect and they are the kind of people you hear about on the news going postal. Expressing controlled anger for a short time and then letting it go, is far better for your mental health than any other option. Bottling up without resolution or having occasional uncontrolled outbursts can lead to a great many issues.
From a spiritual perspective, we have lots of insight into this, but it has been interpreted or filtered in a way that would suggest that if we get angry (especially as women), we are bad.
What Would Jesus (or The Buddha) Do?
Jesus never said don’t get angry. Or at least I don’t think he did.
And the Buddha got angry on a number of occasions when he saw the poor treatment of others.
For example, Jesus threw stuff around the temple at the tax collectors and yelled.
That would suggest to me that he did get angry, and therefore it would seem a bit hypocritical for him to say Never Get Angry.
I think what Jesus said is that anger is never JUSTIFIED. (A Course in Miracles)
That’s a very big difference.
He didn’t say deny it, suppress it, or stuff it down.
He simply said don’t bother hanging onto it or justifying it because it won’t serve you or anyone else dude. That’s paraphrased, obviously.
Buddhism tells us the very same thing.
It points to anger as one of the three poisons in our lives, but it also clearly acknowledges that everyone gets angry – even monks that have been meditating for years and years and years.
It teaches us to observe the emotion, whatever it is, and to fully acknowledge it.
Honesty Is The Key
You must be honest with yourself about what you are feeling if you can ever hope to deal with it effectively and fully.
You have to say, “I AM ANGRY”, at least in your head, before you can let go of the anger.
Emotions are just like kids. You ignore them and they’ll come back to haunt you.
They’ll pour purple toilet cleaner all into your bathroom drawers while you’re not looking, draw on the walls with a sharpie and feed the dog filet mignon from the fridge, and then tell you it was Mr Nobody.
Anger doesn’t deal well with being ignored, and it doesn’t deal well with being bottled up minus an antidote.
The answer seems pretty clear. Observe it and then let it go.
You can run it out, scream it out, throw rocks, beat pillows, whack a swimming noodle in the garage (Tims Note: Fuck knows what a swimming noodle is!), or do whatever else you need to do so that it’s not hurting you or anyone else and you are controlled in your anger.
For goodness sake, just LET IT OUT.
Once you get better at observing it, you won’t even have to do those things. You just acknowledge it and just let it go.
This is a wonderful concept. I’d love to say I do this all the time. I don’t.
Husbands have a very special method of button pushing that teaches us to learn ever more about observing and letting go.
Just Breathe
The point is, whether you can breathe right through it, or whether you need to leave the situation, once you let anger go, the Universe can take care of it. You don’t have to deal with it anymore.
THEN you can take a good, hard, real look at forgiveness.
THEN you might be able to see the other person’s point of view, or thank them, or at the very least come to terms with what lesson you were supposed to learn, however difficult that might seem.
THEN you can put the good energy of forgiveness to its full and real and meaningful context and put the poison down.
Hallelujah.
Love and Blessings, Sonia
Author Bio
Sonia Voldseth is a certified life coach, blogger, speaker, and mother to two amazing and relentless spiritual teachers. She loves helping people remember their own innate wisdom.
She cries during movies and loves diesel trucks. She lives in Queenstown, New Zealand, and works locally and globally. Find her at Revolutionary Life Coaching
Let Sonia and myself know what you think about forgiveness in the comments.
I know a lot of people get the principle but still find it so hard, whereas others have gone as far as forgiving people who have murdered family members.
Where do you stand?
Oh man… every time I come here to print out my doses of joy, it never ever fails that I see something I HAD to read, even if I didn’t want to own up to the fact that I needed to hear it. I’ve been struggling to forgive someone who I realize is just going to continue to abuse and be a horrid person simply because she has 3 mental disorders and one health disorder, so she’s not happy to begin with. It’s not easy on the best of days, and trying to forgive someone who’s looking for the next spiteful thing to do is a tall order, but everything written here is all too true. I’m glad I came, as always.
It sounds like she needs a shit load of compassion with all that going on!
Sara, thanks for reading. Those are the hardest ones, aren’t they? What I can tell you is that 1)it is okay to get angry. Get it out. Get it over. Make sure it’s not hurting you. I’m sure you already know that. 2)I can’t say enough about the positive energy of forgiveness. When you can finally forgive, in whatever way that needs to look like for you, you extend that positive energy (love in one of its many forms) to yourself and to the other person. I’ve seen behaviour transform and relationships transform for both people in the most improbable circumstances. At the very least – you get to move on unimpeded by the ball and chain. Good luck. :-)
Okay, so now both comments are showing up. Technology. :-)
They were there all the time. One was in moderation for some bizarre reason, so you would have seen it but nobody else until I approved it.
What are the best ways for someone who was sexually abused as a child to forgive their abuser?
That’s as tough as it gets Ellouise and I’m not really sure I’m equipped to answer that question.
All I can say (and it sounds almost crass, but it really isn’t), it that will have been suffering too.
People who aren’t suffering, who’s lives aren’t desperate, don’t do such a thing.
I’m in no way shape or form condoning such despicable behavior, but I am saying it was probably fairly predictable if you looked at their genes and life circumstances.
A high percentage of abusers go on to abuse. It’s nothing like the 90% that was often thought, but it’s a lot. In their case it maybe genetic, learned behavior or a bit of both.
I had a friend who was I knew had been abused as a child who turned out to be one of the most giving, caring, selfless people I knew. And I’m 100% serious about that.
He guest posted on my blog a number of times and I’d speak with him weekly where for most of the time he was helping me with my marketing and not charging me a penny.
His life was a testimony to somebody had broken the cycle.
Until he got arrested by the FBI for watching child pornography.
To say I was stunned is a massive understatement – I honestly couldn’t believe it and neither could many others – he was universally liked.
He recently got sentenced to between 15 and 30 years. He didn’t make the films or coerce the boys into them, but he did buy them.
After he serves his time he will be deported back to Israel.
I’m not sure what my point is other than to say, try.
Try and understand they were seriously ill, in the same way somebody with cancer is.
I know it’s not the same and I’m not expecting you to look at them in the same way, but here’s the rub.
Their brain is wired up out of whack, as are a surprisingly large amount of peoples, in a myriad of ways.
Some people even have smaller areas of parts of the brain required for empathy and understanding.
Psychopaths (in the true sense, not the Hollywood sense supposedly make up a staggering 20% of senior execs in Fortune 500 companies.
The reason?
Because they don’t care about other peoples feelings and will do whatever necessary to get what they want.
We’re all weird and we’re all fucked up – just in different ways.
I know this hasn’t answered your question, and that’s because I can’t.
I can empathize and wish you the best (and I do), but the reality is I find it hard to step into your (if it is you, and not a friend, loved one etc) shoes.
My advice would be, do your best and adopt a lovingkindness meditation practice.
I hope that helps a tiny bit.
Ellouise, That’s such a tough one. But I know it can be done. I have had several clients who HAVE done it and I am humbled by every one of them. For me, I look at everything in a bigger picture Universal perspective. I believe that our souls are on a journey and we will learn what we need to in this lifetime. I used to cry every time I watched the news. I used to physically hurt for all the people that were being hurt. I used to make myself feel worse so that i would be in line with other people that were feeling worse. This didn’t work. It made me miserable and I couldn’t help others effectively. The only way I could make sense of any of the stuff that goes in this world is that we are all here to learn a series of lessons – to make us better human beings and bring us more in line with our Best and Higher Self. That NEVER makes sexual abuse okay. Let me be super clear on that point. Never ever never is that okay. But it could mean that you are here to learn to forgive, or you are here to learn be discerning about trust (and let me also be clear here that children do not know how to be discerning and it is NEVER the child’s fault) , or how to stand up for yourself (again as an adult), or how to deal with shame and help others, or a variety of other reasons I would have no idea about. I couldn’t possibly guess. As for your abuser, he or she will be here to learn their own series of lessons too, whatever that might be. Figuring this out can be so helpful and really, really healing. I congratulate you for being brave enough to put the question out there – that’s not easy. Go well. You will get there.
Ellouise, I left you a very long and involved comment but then it didn’t show up for some reason. Anyway, in the meantime I saw you pop up on my Twitter account (and thanks for re-tweeting by the way!) and so I was coming back to reply anyway. I saw from that you are looking for case studies and so the question didn’t necessarily apply directly to you which is how I had worded it previously.
Anyway, I deal with this perhaps a bit differently than Tim. I’m not sure. I look at things in a very Universal and spiritual way. I.e. that we are all here to learn a series of lessons – both the abuser and the abused. Let me be super clear that this NEVER means that sexual abuse is okay. This also doesn’t mean that it is easy to forgive. It also doesn’t mean that the abuser does not serve time for what they’ve done. It never ever means that what happened should be condoned. What it does mean is that people find some sense in what has happened. I have had clients forgive their abusers and to re-frame what it meant for them and how are they going to move forward in a positive and empowered way.
I couldn’t give you a cookie cutter process because everyone is so different and everyone has a different set of filters, concepts, world views and experiences.
But it can be done and I have been humbled by every single person I’ve seen do it.
Sonia great post, and concur totally Tim with your penultimate comment, always wise to forgive. I was just about to make a point on the link between justice and forgiveness, and then saw the word justice in your last comment Tim, that the parents said they were glad justice was done, but they forgave the perpetrator of their son’s crime. In their case, they got what they perceived as justice. Other times, and I’m not talking murders, people can feel that if they forgive, then justice hasn’t been served, so they hold on to non forgiveness for the other person in the mistaken belief that they’ll get justice. Of course they don’t – the other person is blissfully unaware and continuing on with their life, whilst they continue to be eaten up inside. I heard a story about Oprah describing this in some training recently, and made perfect sense. This also links to your other comment Tim above that people will go through their own hell, even if we don’t always see it, i.e. karma, what goes around comes around, call it what you will does get served, we just don’t normally see it or control that.
Thanks Tam! I agreed with Tim as well – I just hadn’t written my comment very clearly, see above. :-) What I had meant it is not always wise to forget – as in sometimes we are not able to extend our trust towards that other person as it is not safe to do so. The justice thing is interesting. I have such admiration for those who can forgive heinous crimes. I am a huge believer in the energy of forgiveness (and energy in general) and yes I am woo-woo on this point and very proud of it. That could be my next guest post submission to Tim! :-) But I digress. The energy of forgiveness is hugely powerful – not only for the person to whom the crime was done but also for the person who committed it. When we can find love in our hearts for someone that harmed us (whatever that love looks like and no it doesn’t need to be hugging) it is a very powerful antidote to hate. Nelson Mandela is perhaps our greatest model of this in recent times. I love this quote also by MLK Jr. “You have very little morally persuasive power with those who can feel your underlying contempt.” I take that to mean the energy of love and forgiveness. If you hang onto hatred, anger, resentment, etc you will carry that energy with you. It will radiate out and others will feel it. It’s a lose/lose scenario.
Re: karma – huge believer. I think we have a huge misunderstanding of karma in Western culture and generally view it as an eye for an eye. It’s not. It’s in a much bigger Universal perspective that we probably have no idea about.
Anyway, I got a little off point there sorry. Glad you liked the post and thanks for commenting. :-)
LOL, we had a whole debate here on Karma a few months back after me getting so pissed off at people using a Western view, and thus misrepresenting it, that I got a Buddhist teacher to write a post!
The reason why I am unsure about forgetting, is that is something that is not as much in our control as forgiving. It will depend on so many external factors and circumstances that to ‘need’ it to move on is slippery indeed.
I think we are on a similar track however.
Exactly, even though I have to be careful to avoid looking like a bleeding heart liberal, these people for the most parts have lead horrible lives full of suffering.
To ease their suffering they often impose it on others. It sucks, it’s very wrong but as tCovey said in ‘The 7 Habits’ – Seek first to understand and then be understood.
Of course I always have to add the caveat that I am looking at this at a purely intellectual, almost disassociated level and what is best for our own peace of mind from a psychological mental well-being perspective.
Of course it’s a whole different story when it happens to us and none of know truly how we would react.
Great post – with or without Tim’s little “F-Bomb”!
I have to THINK a lot, before being able to forgive. And it depends on what it is that you are supposed to forgive – how grievous was the harm done to you… I “don’t sweat the small stuff” and such is easy to forgive. If, however, a close family member defrauds you and brings you to the brink of bankruptcy, then I would truly battle with forgiveness. Hence I would have to think about it…a lot. Rationalise, intellectualise – seek reasons, accepting that their action comes from their “level of existence”. Sounds a little condescending, but it is an attempt to look at the offending party from their perspective – however warped.
I see forgiveness – as in the more serious example quoted above – very much as an intellectual exercise: See and understand where the offending person is coming from, their WHY – then forgive – and move on, otherwise you might just poison yourself, as described in this post. But I wouldn’t “radiate love” – and now we’re friends again. That’s only possible in less serious instances of hurt, for me at least. But seriously betray or hurt me and break the trust relationship…I’ll figure out your WHY for myself, I’ll forgive you (but not forget) and I’ll let go and I’ll choose to be happy going forward, and not to hang on and ruminate on the past. And I’ll forgive myself if a sudden anger surfaces again over the past hurt. It seems to work for me. I can choose to be happy.
Michael, I hear you completely on the more egregious offences. The level of love and hugs doesn’t always look the same for me either. It definitely depends on the level of trust that can be extended towards the other person. It is not always wise to forgive and forget but I find so many people think that’s what you have to do. Sometimes, it is very wise to remember so we don’t get burned again. ;-) Either way, as you said, we can let it go so it’s not poisoning us. Thanks for reading!
I’d disagree Sonia and say it’s always wise to forgive, there is zero value into holding onto grudges and hate. The forgetting part is a different matter entirely though.
Tim, Yes! We are actually in agreement. I just didn’t write the comment very clearly. I also believe it is ALWAYS wise to forgive, otherwise you are hanging onto resentment, bitterness, anger and poison. What I MEANT was that it is not always wise to FORGET – as in perhaps you have forgiven someone but it is not safe to extend a whole lot of trust toward them again for your own well-being. Sorry for being unclear. :-)
From a psychological welfare standpoint, it doesn’t matter what the crime is studies have shown that forgiveness is incredibly important. In fact the more heinous the crime the more it’s required.
I can remember seeing a couple on the local court steps being interviewed by TV reporters after their son’s killer had been sentenced to life. The first thing they said was they were glad justice was done, but they forgave him.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s ‘Outliers’ he talks about being involved with the parents of a murdered young girl and the father who’s daughters murder was the catalyst for the 3-strikes and your out rule after he lobbied ceaselessly for it .
20 years on, the couple were at peace whereas the father was still campaigning (even though by then the 3-strikes had been proven to actually raise crime) and was a hollowed wreck of a man. He never forgave.
I cannot imagine the emotional fortitude you need to forgive something like that, and not sure I could do it. But that isn’t the point, the point is we should if we don’t want to continue to torture ourselves.
Thanks to Sonia for such a high quality post.
I did a search when I got it and realized unbelievably I hadn’t blogged on this important topic in 7 years so it was timely!
Tara, thanks for reading! I love the anger letter too. It’s really powerful, eh? And trying to figure out WHY it happened and what lesson was there is always huge for me too. That’s the icing on the forgiveness cake!
The lessons thing is huge and classic reframing.
If we can se it as a lesson then we can learn from it and use it as a catalyst for change.
Patricia, yes thanks for clearing that up! A swimming noodle is the greatest anger tool I have ever found. Not to mention, it’s just so funny when I can say to my husband, “Look, just go and whack your noodle in the garage”. I use it, my kids use it, and I have one in my office for clients. I like your take on resentment too. It’s all kind of the same isn’t it? Resentment feeds anger and anger feeds resentment and both can be difficult to forgive. Best to observe them both and let them go. … Not always as easy said than done but possible. And if the other person isn’t here, well that’s a whole nother ball game. Sometimes harder, sometimes easier. All the best and thanks so much for reading.
Laughed so hard when Tim commented about the swimming noodle! Glad Patricia cleared that up. :)
Great post. I completely agree that it’s SO IMPORTANT to acknowledge your anger, walk through that emotion, and then let it go. Even doing things like writing the person you’re angry with a letter that you never send, just so you can feel heard and understood by yourself, can be hugely helpful. I look at forgiveness as healing yourself of the pain, and taking the power away from the perpetrator in your life. So important.
Thanks for sharing!
-Tara
Yeh good advice about writing a letter and not sending it. Or just putting the persons name on it and no address and dropping it in a mail box can be very cathartic.
Also, I wasn’t about to let get away without a fuck in post!
Shit that sounds a bit pervy!
I meant without the word ‘fuck’ being in one of my posts!
(Scuttles off red faced)
First of all, a swimming noodle is one of those noodle shaped thingies that kids use to beat the shit out of each other in pools when they’re not floating on them (the noodles, not the other kids).
Second, I’m trying very hard to channel that old saying, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Sometimes that other person IS dead. So I’m working on just letting it go. Easier some days than others, but I keep that quote in mind when I feel anger coming back at a past wrong and it does help.
Yeh that’s a lot trickier I agree.
The only advice I can offer is they probably suffered a lot more than you – even though it may not seem or have seemed like that.