The Hardest Question I’ve Ever Been Asked
Some while ago I had a guy contact me who was suffering from incredibly high stress levels, to the point where he felt physically ill a lot of the time. He wanted to hire me to to give him some tips and tricks to help him cope with his stress more effectively.
If you come to me for Life Coaching and just want to work on stress, that’s fine. However, I’m still going to insist I get a grip on the bigger picture and treat the issue holistically.
No way will we kick off our time together by pitching straight into stress management techniques because that’s just treating the symptoms and not understanding the cause.
Sure, that approach can be very useful for people that come under occasional heavy stress levels, but for chronic stress that cuts across all aspects of somebody’s life, a different approach is called for.
I had just finished working through the values exercise with this particular client and it was glaringly obvious he was in the wrong job.
His values were so out of alignment with his occupation that nothing I, nor anybody else could have done this side of witchcraft, that would have eased his misery. And the look on his face told me he knew it.
The values exercise can often lead to an epiphany for clients.
In fact, on several occasions after working through the process my job has been done, because it’s highlighted exactly the reason or reasons the person is stuck. At that point they sometimes no longer need me.
By the end of the session the client had decided he wanted to work out a plan that allowed him to quit his high paying job and change careers.
He was incredibly relieved to finally understand that he’d spent over 10 years trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole, and that there wasn’t simply ‘something wrong with him’.
A week later we reconvened to talk about the path forward and he hit me with the worst case scenario.
He’d gone home to discuss what the results with his wife, and she’s responded by saying if he left his job without having another equally well paid one lined up, she’d leave him. He then said to me:
“What should I do?”
My heart sank.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “Let her leave you! If money is more important to her than your health, she’s not worth it” because I know I was.
However, it would have been incredibly unprofessional of me to have offered my opinion in such circumstances. Apart from the fact I only had one side of the story, it’s also not my job to tell people what to do and I had to respond by asking the rather lame:
“What do you think you should do?”
I read a lot of self development writers and bloggers advising that we all dump the negative and non-supportive people in our lives because they’re toxic.
I actually don’t like the word toxic in that context, because there can be 101 different (and even legitimate) reasons why some people act the way they do (fear being right up there at the top), but it does make a point.
Unfortunately, what most of the books and blogs fail to tell you is how you do that when it’s a close family member, and there is a good reason they don’t tell you.
It’s because they don’t know. And neither do I.
It was literally the hardest question I’d ever been asked as a Life Coach.
The client in question had kids, he had a mortgage, he had in-laws that he liked and he had a wife that he thought he loved.
Few people will walk away from that on the basis of stress, no matter what the long-term implications for their health and happiness.
I’d love to tell you there was some magic compromise that lead to a happy ending, but there wasn’t. As far as I know he’s still at the same job and with the same wife and on occasions like that I feel pretty helpless.
If you have family members in your life that are holding you back or making you miserable, then only you can decide what’s for the best, not your friends, nor your family, nor even a Life Coach.
That sucks I know, but nobody else full understands your situation like you do.
The only advise I can offer is to be brutally honest with yourself, don’t let things continue because you’re scared of the short-term pain and always realize you have options, even if doesn’t seem that way.
By the way, I’m interested to know what you would have said in my situation. Would you have kept quiet or offered an opinion?
Photo: ‘Fork in the Road’ Courtesy of Tetsuya Yamamoto
I believe that I heard this from T Harv Eker. He asked an audience if anyone felt that their spouse was not supportive enough. Many hands went up. He then said, “Here is how to get more support from your spouse. Give them more support!”
Often, what we don’t get from the people around us, (1) we don’t give to them and (2) we don’t give it to ourselves.
I would ask the client if this was making any sense to him. I would also suggest that he have a conversation with his wife to create a plan that is acceptable to both of them to create the changes that he wanted to make.
On the one hand, I don’t think he should just quit his job. On the other hand, he should not suffer indefinitely either.
Yep that sure sounds very T Harv Ekerish.
and I agree in large part. As I said above Shaya I left a lot of info out for confidentiality purposes, but you make some excellent points nevertheless, thanks!
Tough one. I have a wife and kids and know that those expectations feel very real and at times, heavy. It wouldn’t have made a difference if you offered an opinion because he wasn’t prepared to take action regardless of what you might have said. But this didn’t need to be an ultimatum about whether to stay in a lousy, unfulfilling job; or a lousy, unsupportive marriage. Sounds like he wasn’t ready to make that call. It could have been a discussion about how to change his relationship with his wife; or more likely—with himself.
I think the latter bit about the relationship with himself is the key Lach.
I read this and I came back to it again today.
My question is, at what point in something like this do you say there is a deeper problem and suggest counseling?
I am asking out of genuine curiosity because I am learning coaching (Adler Institute Method) and we had a whole day of the difference between coaching, counseling, mentoring….
In this case(although without me knowing enough about the whole case), to me it seems like marriage counseling would not be too bad of an idea. There are obviously other things at work here and other issues than just your client himself.
As I said in a couple of the other comments Susie, there is lots of info missing that I can’t share as it would identify the client. It was really just to make a point that stuff like this happens.
These days I almost never take clients on and then suggest counseling, because I have done enough digging on the consult to know whether that’s what they really need. I do however decline clients because I think they should be in therapy. In fact I turned down a guy last week and suggested he speak with his doctor first.
I really think the approach that you took was right on. I have to say that I love the idea of exploring values. I wish that everyone could or would take the time to have that session even before marriage. I mean in a perfect world, of course. Can you imagine how much time we’d save on broken relationships?
Keep up the good work!
Cheers!
Now there’s a niche market to aim for, just working through values with soon to be weds!
I may get a few unhappy parents though when the wedding is scrapped the day before because the Life Coach pointed out the bride and groom were incompatible!
Thanks for the Article Tim. Exploring “Values” with a client is exciting. If the client realises that ‘some things need to change’, you are right, they have the choice to change or not.
At the end of the day, it is their choice & it will come down to their committment or otherwise to make the ‘hard choices’. It’s not easy however it is life. The “lame question” still applies in my opinion however some clients will get so stuck that some sort of intervention may be necessary. I don’t see that there is a rule for all or an easy answer.
BestRegards
David
I agree and I think that’s what makes coaching so fascinating, there is no cookie-cutter approach, every client is different!
Wow. That’s a tough scenario. I can understand both sides. When I was in college, my wife was the breadwinner with her full time job. When it was literally “killing” her she quit straight up without another job lined up or anything that would come close to the income she was making.
It was hard to pay the bills we had acquired with her income in mind, and it led to me making a hasty decision on taking a job myself, but did it mean the end of the world?
No. We made less, but she was able to go back to a job she was passionate about and one that worked with her health instead of against it. I’m now in a job I enjoy and one that matches my values.
It was a tough time at the moment to go through that life change, but looking back if she had stayed it would have prolonged the inevitable and she may have reached a burnout that could have caused even worse results.
As far as the advice you offered. I think it was all you can really do as a third person. When it comes to your passions and work; personal feelings and significant others can hold trump cards that just are too much for a coach to overcome. Like you said, you can’t tell them what to do, they have to come to that for themselves. Whether they have the self control, outside influences, and circumstances to allow that is outside of a coaches control.
You did your job. You found the conflict in your client’s life and gave them the advice to resolve it.
Absolutely right, and as I said in the comments, I only had half the story, who knows what other factors were at work?
They don’t call high paying jobs golden handcuffs for nothing ;-)
My first thought was that she was really attached to the security that his high-paying job represented, and that she was trying to preserve that with the only leverage she had–ending the marriage.
Because every villain is the hero in their own story, I would try to imagine her reasons for that kind of dream-crushing response.(Encouraging the client’s insights, obv) It is possible it was about the money, and the shallow trappings of wealth are more important to her than fulfillment at a job — that’s a valid value system, and I’ve learnt that you can’t argue rightness on the basis of values.
What you’ve essentially done, though, is demonstrated (or not) the essential disconnect between his values and hers and left him to form his own conclusions about whether or not that gap can be bridged. It’s not the answer that he (or you) was looking for, but it was an exercise in empathy and rational thought in a place of despair, which is a valuable coping technique, I find.
I think that pretty much sums it up Shanna.
It’s amazing the traps people set up for themselves. No relationship lasts forever, they all end. Be it death, divorce or simply growing apart. They have grown apart. Obviously those are words that are easy to write, but much more difficult to actually follow through. From my perspective you did what you could by acting as the unattached 3rd person.
A sobering thought bud!
Tim, man, oh man, I’ve been there. On both sides of the case, I might add. I’ve been the counselor/coach trying to help the person figure his life out when his spouse wasn’t on board. And I’ve been the guy trying to sort things out myself with a wife who needs security in the home. There’s nothing wrong with a need for security – it’s normal and part of what makes us human (especially when you have 3 small children and the cost of daycare doesn’t allow you the flexibility to bring in a second income).
Much like your story, I’m sure there were reasons his wife had for the upset over his delimma that you weren’t in on, sometimes life is just plain complicated.
I can say, having been THAT guy, that by not giving up on the vision of what I wanted, I was able to eventually turn things around. Again, with a family, it’s often more difficult. But it can be done. Thanks for sharing this, Tim. Breath of fresh air. Good to know we’re not alone.
That’s why I’m so grateful for having a super supportive wife. Watching me walk away from a six figure salary to become a coach must have been somewhat scary for her!
Maybe the fact we have no kids makes life a tad less complicated because as long as the dogs get their walks and pigs ear they don’t care what I do ;-)
Tough call indeed. I reckon I would have said the same as you Tim, but I would have also asked the client to picture himself in 5 years time, after taking each of the 2 decisions. Which picture looked more desirable? And also, which picture held his gut instinct?
Sometimes we have to ask ourselves hard questions, and be honest with ourselves about what we truly are. Only then will we see where our path will lead us.
As I say Stuart, there was a lot more back and forth than the post may lead you to believe, but I have to be honest and say we never found a successful compromise.
It happens sometimes I’m afraid.
I knew there was a good reason for reading your blog all the time. No one else mentions what to do to get your spouse (& #1 naysayer) on board with a plan. No one else even mentions it, except to say “Get rid of the toxic person.”
But what if they’re a dream with everything else, and this is the one thing you’re hoping to change? Very good ideas here. And I have to say your assessment is what I would suggest as well.
I also love the idea of a plan. Writing out, step by step, what’s going to change and how to get to where you really want to be. Once the other person sees you’re serious and have a solid plan, they should be more willing and receptive to any ideas. But you may just have to sell them on the plan. Especially if it involves any hardship on them.
I live with a master schemer. He knows I love him, so when he wants something new, he sells me on three things: safety, security, and health.
He wanted a new motorcycle. He sold me on how it’s going to help his health by reducing his stress. He told me it’s safer than his current bike because it’s larger and more stable. And then he told me that with a biker in the house, no one will ever dare to break in. How could I resist?
I think if someone is empathetic, emotional, and reasonable at the same time (an almost impossible task), then they can sell their plan to anyone.
OMG that’s genius, has he ever considered a career in coaching? ;-)
I went through this a few years ago. Long story short, I was miserable in Corporate America and longing to work independently. It took some work to get my husband on board, but once I did, I immediately began plotting my escape. This did two things: 1. It eliminated much of the risk. I was completely prepared in every way to make a seamless transition from one to the other. 2. It was like a form of therapy for getting through my remaining time at my job.
About a year into working independently, my husband lost his job. He panicked, thinking he had to take the first offer he received before we lost everything. I said absolutely not, no matter what it takes, it’s your turn to find professional happiness. And he did.
“Don’t let things continue because you’re scared of the short-term pain and always realize you have options, even if doesn’t seem that way.”
Good for you Erika! My wife was exactly the same, when I decided I wanted to walk away from a high paying job to train to become a Life Coach she didn’t bat an eye lid, just offered me all the support I needed.
We’re both very lucky.
I like your approach of not immediately throwing out the word toxic or condemning the wife.
I love the simple phrase that Robbins teaches: progress = happiness. This can give hope and relieve some of the stress simply by remaining in the job, but having a transition plan and working toward it a little each day. So I would encourage a multi-prong approach which involves:
1. Helping the husband to “coach” his wife. It is natural for her to have her motherly instincts and expect that the household will not suffer for his passions. I think honoring her for that and being sympathetic to that will go a long way to eventually having the wife support her husband and realizing it is not sustainable for his health or for the family to keep working up hill. He’s literally running out of gas.
If she has an ounce of good in her then I would have hope that eventually she’ll come around as she grows confident that he is not going to be irresponsible, that he is simply transitioning and will try and make it as painless as possible.
2. Meanwhile work on the new passion, get a plan in place that allows a transition. Once this plan is concrete and fleshed out, I think the wife may be more supportive in going a few months at a lower income, having hope that her newly inspired husband has even more financial upside over the long run, even if it takes 5-10 years, he should eventually be making more by using his talents and strengths.
3. Then eventually make the move being his own man. He should be sympathetic and reassuring to his wife but be a MAN at the same time. It is his job to be a breadwinner but NO ONE can tell him HOW except the law :).
STEP UP ! :)
In an ideal world that is pretty much what should have happened. unfortunately it didn’t pan out like that :-(
Hi Tim
Definitely a tough one…My first thought on reading your post was I’d have done the same as you in terms of encouraging him to say what he felt he’d like to do. Then, given your coaching had considerably helped him to see an alternative way, I might have suggested that his wife might also benefit from a session to repeat the values exercise with her too. As you say, it’s so often fear that drives people to react in the way the wife did, and it might not only have helped her to go through a similar process to her husband to perhaps undertand where he was coming for, but, more importantly, helped her to explore her own feelings around being in a well paid job etc. Not saying that would necessarily have changed the outcome, but pretty sure a session with you would have definitely given her food for thought!
All the best
Tamsin
I’m pretty sure she wasn’t open to coaching. In fact my suspicion is she’d like to have removed a piece of my anatomy with a blunt knife ;-)
I think you gave some excellent counsel, especially this:
“Don’t let things continue because you’re scared of the short-term pain and always realize you have options, even if doesn’t seem that way.”
Where do I send the invoice?
Wow. This is a very, very tough one. I think I’d have done what you did – ask what he thought was best. Though I might also have asked a few questions about why – e.g. why did it need to be an equally well-paying job? Was there some sort of compromise they could make?
I’ve seen people have to stick with jobs they dislike in order to support a family. I’m struck by the courage and guts and patience which that must take. I was able to quit my day job and start freelancing secure in the knowledge that if I screwed it up, I wouldn’t be dragging down anyone else with me.
I think it’s impossible to judge a situation like this without knowing the full story. It’s very sad when you can’t help. I’d maybe have tried to help him find some small way to make things more bearable at work – even if it was only a temporary solution – but maybe that really wasn’t an option.
Perhaps his wife will come round. Perhaps they’ll find a way forwards together. You did what you could – you gave him the clarity he needed – and it’s up to him now.
I could have added extra info Ali, but obviously for confidentiality reasons I have to be careful. It also happened a far while ago, although I’m not sure I would do anything different now.
I am the wife in this scenario – except I didn’t say I’d leave and the change of job did happen. It has been incredibly hard to have our lives turned upside down and I’d be lying if I said I was 100% supportive 100% of the time.
However, I believe in giving everyone the chance to live their true passions as a way to be truly alive.
Nevertheless, I feel for the breadwinners, those who need to support families and who find themselves in the above situation. I know several men, and some women, similarly stuck and it’s sad to see.
Even more reason to pass on the lesson to our children to gain self awareness and live their truth *before* they make major commitments.
I agree, even though I don’t have kids I think we’re all responsible in some way to do that.
BTW, it’s one thing to be hesitant and not being 100% supportive, it’s another to be prepared to see your husband work himself to death.
Also, wouldn’t it be the case in the situation you describe that he had a higher value of Family and anti values of Fear or Anger (his wife’s?)
Quite possibly although as I said above there’s a lot of info missing from that post for confidentiality reasons, so going from memory I’m not totally sure.