Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones
I’m sure that you remember the phrase ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never harm me” from childhood, I know I certainly do.
But is it true?
Or is it one of those pieces of old-time nonsense that appears to be wise at first glance, but when you dig a bit deeper possess all the wisdom of a Paris Hilton led think tank on Quantum Mechanics.
I got into a lively debate recently with somebody who had posted, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can also hurt me” when I ventured to disagree.
I even went as far as to post it to my ‘Terrible Quotes On Pinterest’ board.
The woman in question told me I was wrong because she had been hurt by words in the past. In fact worse than that, she’d been the victim of terrible verbal abuse as a child.
It’s difficult to argue about something so personal and awful, especially as I have never had to deal with such things in my life.
But she was still wrong even if it sounds insensitive to say so.
It wasn’t actually the words that hurt her growing up, it was her interpretation of what the words meant.
Imagine going to see your friends new baby. When you get there she’s all wrinkly with screwed up eyes, pasty skin and a head that looks too big for her body.
She’s definitely not going to win any beauty contests, even for new born babies.
The mom asks you to hold her as she goes to the bathroom and while she is out of the room you decide to tell the baby the cold hard truth, that she looks like a warthog licking urine off a nettle.
Do you think she’ll be offended?
Do you think she’ll burst into tears or give you a piece of her mind?
Of course not because she cannot understand language and those words will bounce off her more easily than reason off Bill O’Reilly.
This example is extreme, as my examples often are. I know you would never act in such an insensitive manner, but it demonstrates that words in and of themselves cannot hurt anybody.
What hurts people is their interpretation of the words coming their way.
If you were to leave a comment saying;
“You’re a Queen-loving Limey bastard who should fuck off back to England”
As one women did 4 or 5 years ago, do you know what I’d do, and what I did when it happened.
I’d laugh my ass off!
I’d wonder what was going on in your life to say such a random thing. I’d question how much you even know about me as I’m not even a fan of the Royal Family.
And I’d probably tacitly thank you for livening up my day.
I wouldn’t feel hurt or offended and I certainly wouldn’t be searching for my passport and checking flight times so I could beat a hasty retreat back to Blighty.
You may say that it’s easy for me to laugh at such things and not take them seriously, but it’s an entirely different matter with kids. And you’d be right.
Whereas I understand that words only have the power that I give them, young kids do not.
They quite understandably think that when they get bullied or abused there is something wrong with them, rather than is the case, the person attacking them.
And if that person is a parent or close family member, then sadly it can be almost impossible for them not to be seriously and negatively effected.
Fortunately though, such parents are in the minority which means there are millions of adults who can help kids to be bomb proof from verbal attacks, and maybe you’re one of them?
if that is the case, you can demonstrate that it’s ok to ignore the words of others when they are calculated to hurt, by not buckling yourself and also refusing to perpetuate the myth that words are harmful.
As an intelligent adult you can make the decision not to allow people to influence your happiness levels just because of some random noises spewing from their mouth.
The alternative is to be at the mercy of others and there will always be people looking to exploit that vulnerability for their own ends.
Yes I agree that you can make the decision to not allow the harsh words of others affect you and your happiness, but I also know that sometimes this is difficult. It is important to have a support group and not let your confidence in yourself waiver.
Hi, we all know that some people are sensitive when it comes to what others will say about them but that should not be the case, whether you are good or bad, you still cannot please everybody, so why bother listening, it is just a waste of time. Just do what you have to do to make yourself happy and successful. After all, it is your life ! Thanks for a good article.
ROB: If so, than I’m unaware of it. Maybe you are, and maybe you are right.
I guess that words are very powerful. They can help and they can hurt. They are connected with your mind and consciousness and the way you express your thoughts can influence your life and deeds. It is important to be accurate in what you say.
Do you mean me being accurate Maria?
I think that you, Zbyszek, underestimate Tim.
If so, it is unintentionally. You know, I am unaware of it. Maybe – you are.
ROB:
If so, it is unintentionally. You know, I am unaware of it. Maybe – you are.
I think that you Tim, takes a communication in too narrow or restricted view. In that view, there are word, and there is impact of these words in our inside. Between these words and our inside feelings, is a layer of our “mind”. So in the end, it is our mind which creates feelings and can hurt us or not.
It is true. It is our reaction what hurt us, not words of someone else. But. It is true to some extent.
Communication is more than words. More than tone of voice and gesture. Communication is a stream of emotion plus information. It is real (some kind of force). And negative emotions can hurt is, even if we decide not to accept it. Like positive emotions given to us, can elevate and nurture us.
Agree that there is more to communication than words, but the same applies to body language. Any communication that we run through our belief system means that we have ultimate control over it.
Words can have strong meanings and can have a huge effect on the person; if they are cruel words for instance it can affect your self esteem.
Only if you let them.
Ditto!
I’ve obviously had this post in my sub conscious today, as I’ve just got myself into an “interesting” debate with a much loved (and rather prone to taking things VERY personally) friend, about her 3 year old son dealing with name calling.
I think I’m going to go back and use Razwana’s remix of sticks and stones, see if it helps her understand where I’m coming from (and more importantly, lets us give the 3 year old a head start at managing his thoughts – maybe he can teach his mum…..?)
Yes he can! Or she can start using reframing and use it as a game so he can acquire the same skills.
OTOH if she is steadfast in her refusal to accept that she may have it wrong, then nothing you can say will make much difference unfortunately.
You could show her this post! ;-)
That’s the point of the phrase – to help kids to understand that the words of others won’t harm them *if they don’t allow it to happen*
So perhaps the phrase should be changed to ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me, because I won’t let them. They say more about you than they do about me, you miserable git’.
But that doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?
Brilliant! Thanks Razwana!
An excellent update Razwana!
I used to agree with you, Tim. I used to think that the recipient has ultimate control over how they interpret and react to external stimuli. Unfortunately, I now view this idea as naively optimistic.
Sure, we can lessen the impact of words, provided we take the time to cognitively work through them and lend them alternate meanings or explanations. But let’s be honest – who among us can reframe hurtful words every single time and not allow themselves to *ever* be hurt by them.
My guess is that it’s very few people, the Dalai Lama being one of them.
In my view this issue has more subtlety and nuance than the way you present it in this article.
With this post Rob I’m not actually offering an opinion, it’s an incontrovertible fact, without those words running through a belief system they have no power. My nephew has Fragile X and you could’t say anything to him that would knock the smile off his face.
Having said that I entirely agree that to actually implement this information is next to impossible for some people, but when they know it’s not impossible, that then becomes a good starting place.
Not knowing or believing you have no choice however, is a recipe for misery.
The reason I talked about kids was to show that I understand that sometimes it devilishly difficult to get them to understand there’s nothing wrong with them, especially if they have been mentally abused.
However, for them to realize that the perpetrator is trying to gain power over them and wants then to crumble, then that can be a catalyst for change.
I’m genuinely intrigued, mate. Perhaps I’ve been making excuses for myself when I allow myself to take things personally.
You’ve probably thought of this already, but perhaps you’ll be doing a follow-up post to this one which details the technique(s) people can use to be more like your nephew. I suspect I may have already have heard of the techniques but I’m just failing to implement and practice them.
I’ve had a couple of CBT sessions recently. One of the most powerful exercises for me personally was when you analyse your negative thoughts. In a nutshell, here’s the process:
1) Write down your negative thought and the impact it’s having on you (e.g. particular emotions).
2) Write down evidence which supports the negative thought as being true.
3) Write down alternative, more balanced thoughts.
4) Write down evidence which supports the more balanced thoughts.
5) Re-evaluate how you’re feeling now (e.g. particular emotions – are they less intense?)
I personally found the above process very cognitively demanding, but also very effective at nipping negative thoughts in the bud.
The CBT practitioner assured me that with enough practice, the above process becomes more-or-less automatic and can be done purely in our heads.
I’m guessing that when I reach that point, I won’t be too far off the ninja-level reframing skills which your nephew has.
Ninja indeed! I have more respect for CBT than any other widely used system, so glad you did it mate.
My nephews condition is not dissimilar to autism in its presentation, so I’m not sure they should be aiming for that!
I hadn’t thought about it, but it’s an idea now, cheers.
Words have the same potential to hurt as they do to encourage, inspire, educate, or entertain. The ultimate effect is definitely determined by the recipient, but the wordsmith is not entirely immune from responsibility or power.
I’d suggest that the fact that you write a blog is proof that you are aware of that power.
I’m not saying they are, but the power is given to them, not wrested away.