
Why You Shouldn’t Save For Your Kids College (and what you should do instead)
Did you know that there is zero proof to suggest that, generally speaking, people who have kids are happier than those who don’t?
In fact, there is evidence to suggest to the contrary
Psychology Professor at the University of California, Sonya Lyubomirskiy, cited research in her book ‘The How Of Happiness’ (al) that clearly demonstrated that most parents happiness levels do not increase no matter how much they wanted children.
But when was the last time you heard a parent admit they weren’t as happy since the arrival of their newborn?
Probably never because it’s so utterly taboo.
Not only is it taboo to say that, it’s taboo to even think it. It’s the kind of thought that if we start to be aware of we immediately banish to the corners of our mind.
But think about it for a moment.
Of course there are amazing moments of joy for (hopefully) all parents, but there are also plenty of sleep deprived nights when they are young or sick.
Similarly, there can often be financial concerns for the family with an extra mouth or mouths to feed and compromises often have to be made with personal goals often being put on ice.
My best friend felt he had to quit playing drums in a band and be around more often when his daughter was born and that was really tough for him.
It’s normal for parents to be anxious about how well their kids will do at school, whether they will fall in with the wrong crowd, whether they will remain healthy and a multitude of other things.
I’m not looking to make the argument that people shouldn’t have kids if they want to be happier, that’s patently ridiculous and there will be plenty of exceptions – such as every parent reading this post!
Meaning Doesn’t Necessarily Equal Happiness
Kids bring other benefits that don’t necessarily mean greater happiness levels and I’m not just talking about tax breaks.
There’s meaning to bringing kids into the world that is hard to attain anywhere else.
There’s also the comfort and satisfaction of having a loving and supportive family – even if you do want to kill each other on occasions.
And if the bumper stickers on half the SUV’s I see around Orlando proclaiming the drivers kids are on the school honor roll, there’s also pride.
Whereas meaning, satisfaction and pride can lead to happiness, they don’t have to.
If you have an important meeting at 7am and it’s 3.30am and you have spent the last few hours trying to get a sick two-year-old off to sleep it’s highly unlikely you can tap into any state other than anxiety and maybe exhaustion.
Similarly, if you get a call from the cops because your eldest son has just rear ended a car at a stop light after having a couple of beers, you won’t be skipping to your car high on life and humming Louis Armstrong’s ‘What a wonderful world’.
And whereas the happy moments tend to be relative fleeting, the stressful ones can stick around for a lot longer and become part of a parents psyche.
There is one thing that a lot of parents worry about that can be eradicated altogether though, and that’s school fees.
About six years ago I was working with a lady who was a single parent with a 10-year-old son. The child’s father was long gone and alimony was not forthcoming.
Fortunately, she was something of a high flier and earned great money.
But, unfortunately it was never enough and she was always pushing, pushing, pushing. Working all the hours she could so she’d continue to climb even higher on the corporate ladder.
She had come to me because her stress levels were through the roof and it was effecting her sleeping, and her overall health and fitness had declined sharply in recent years.
I was curious to know what was driving the need to earn ever more money and it didn’t take much uncovering.
The Cost of Education
She had a desire to build up a huge college fund for her 10-year-old son.
She thought that with the way education costs were rising she’d need a bare minimum of a quarter of a million dollars to be sure he had enough.
I looked at her slack jawed for a moment as I tried to gather my thoughts.
I then asked her whether she’d been through college, and when she said she had I followed up by saying, ‘Did you want your parents to run themselves into the ground and probably an early grave so you got free tuition?’
‘Of course not’ She replied, somewhat incredulously.
‘Well what on earth makes you think your son will want that in ten years?’
Before she had chance to answer, because I didn’t want that at this stage, I followed up with:
‘And let me ask you this. Which kids do you think come out of college mentally stronger and more able to deal with their finances Those who sat around the dorm room all day playing video games, eating pizza and smoking weed. Or the ones who worked 3 jobs and paid their way through school?’
‘I guess the latter group’
‘Okay, so here’s where we’re at. You’re making yourself ill trying to earn money for your son, that firstly we don’t know he’ll even need. He may not want to go to University.
And secondly, you agree will probably diminish his ability to manage his finances and set him up with an attitude that you don’t have to work for things of value. Is that wise?’
And here’s what happened.
She fired me.
Not then and not in so many words, but she cancelled our next session with little notice and when I followed up, she never responded.
I suppose there may have been any number of reasons, but I tend to think that the thought of not working to help her son years down the road felt ‘wrong’ to her. As such she couldn’t shake the belief that he should have it easier than she had.
And that’s the thing. Parents somehow believe that the goal in bringing up kids is to make life as easy as possible for them, but should that really be the case?
Isn’t it facing and dealing with adversity that forges spirit, desire and commitment?
An Alternative Path
Not saving for your kids may make you feel uncomfortable, so let me offer a solution.
I understand with rising tuition costs that it’s not as easy to earn enough money to pay as you go, but it is possible to make a big dent in the costs and there is nothing stopping you helping out with the repayments after they graduate if they don’t get a job that pays well enough.
So by all means start a fund for them, but don’t let it sit there for if/when they make it to university. Let them figure that out for themselves.
Instead use that money to get them out of the United States, or better still North America, for two or three weeks per year. More if possible.
Immerse them in new cultures and have them meet as many people as possible who share a different worldview.
Encourage them to be curious about life, people and this planet we live on because the more they see and experience the more they will want to see and experience.
It’s not a coincidence that people who have travelled extensively, and I’m not talking 5 star travel when the only local you meet is the one delivering your laundry back to your room, tend to be more open minded, empathetic and tolerant.
There’s a division in our Society at the moment the like of which we have never seen before, at least not in my lifetime.
That division is born out of ignorance and fear of the unknown.
And sadly it is being encouraged and exploited by a President who couldn’t give a flying fuck about anybody who isn’t like him and doesn’t support him.
You can do your part to heal the divide by bringing up kids who understand that the unknown isn’t to be feared, but embraced and it’s doubtful university will teach them that.
I applaud you for this article. As parents we generally want to do all we can to give our children a better life. But I especially like your argument which questions whether as parents are role is to make things easier for our children. As I consider that our children will grow by facing the difficult experiences in life and finding their own ways to deal with their problems and developing resourcefulness and resilience..
Hi Tim, just wanted to leave a comment to thank you for really opening up my eyes with this post.
“Meaning Doesn’t Necessarily Equal Happiness”
This is profound. I’ve always had a strong belief that being purposeful is the only way to be successful and success can bring happiness – which inherently brings meaningful to life.
And, yes, I completely agree with your point on rising tuition fees. One day, parents will start doing proper NPV analysis on a college/uni degree as school fees become too ridiculous.
Loving this Article! Raising kids is not easy..but having makes life more fulfilling.
An excellent post, Tim – and some really good responses. My wife and I were married for five years before my first-born greeted the light of this world. Those first years were truly happy years for me and my wife. With the arrival of my son – and then the second one five years later – our happiness didn’t decrease, but we had to learn to cope with new situations that created stresses we didn’t encounter before. I just have to think of the occasion when my wife was wondering about the silence of the younger toddler. When she went to investigate, she found him sharing a box wine with our Bullmastiff! In a little state of panic, she phoned our doctor who – after listening to the whole story and the potential amount of wine consumed – reassured her that there was nothing to be concerned about. (I was at work at the time). But yes, there were more instances like that – breaking bones, bee allergies etc. Now both sons are 29 and 23 respectively, the one working as a Senior Technical IT Network Administrator and the other one being a Statistical Data Analyst with the New Zealand government. Both went to study, taking up loans themselves. And my and my wife’s lives are still happy after many decades together (maybe a little happier now that we don’t have these extra stresses assailing us very often anymore), but having the boys certainly makes life more fulfilling, and thereby perhaps, happier for us.
I couldn’t agree with you more Tim! This is a well thought out post. My parents helped me so much but not rescuing me financially and allowing me to pay for college, I bought my first car, got a part time job and then they let me travel at 15 where I was an exchange student. I have lived in Australia, Japan for an extensive period of time and now the US and travelled all over the world and can’t imagine me life without international travel in it. certainly feel like my life has been an adventure full of rich experiences and I feel like I’ve seen the world through different eyes and can appreciate the global differences there are and I’ve met the most interesting and compassionate people. And I feel more empathetic and more tolerant myself having had these diverse experiences.
I just had my first child and she’s 14 months old. I definitely feel a different sort of love for her that is amazing. However, this type of love also comes at a cost. I feel a lot of innate stress as well that I didn’t have before. I do have an education savings account for her. However, I want her to learn about the world the way I did pay for school and get a part time job too, have some skin in the game and appreciate the hard work and effort that comes with this responsibility. I want her to travel and see the world and have a deeper appreciation of it. I’ve been reading some infant self development books as I want her to become who she is meant to be and not someone that I think she should be and forcing my desires on her. It’s certainly a balancing act and I’m going to do my best.
In my finance career I’ve seen many parents rescue their children and bail them out of many situations and never let them learn their lesson and they keep taking advantage of their parents. At what point are you enabling them or helping them?
Good post Tim!
Cheers
Susie
I couldn’t agree with you more Tim! This is a well thought out post. My parents helped me so much but not rescuing me financially and allowing me to pay for college, I bought my first car, got a part time job and then they let me travel at 15 where I was an exchange student. I have lived in Australia, Japan for an extensive period of time and now the US and travelled all over the world and can’t imagine me life without international travel in it. certainly feel like my life has been an adventure full of rich experiences and I feel like I’ve seen the world through different eyes and can appreciate the global differences there are and I’ve met the most interesting and compassionate people. And I feel more empathetic and more tolerant myself having had these diverse experiences.
I just had my first child and she’s 14 months old. I definitely feel a different sort of love for her that is amazing. However, this type of love also comes at a cost. I feel a lot of innate stress as well that I didn’t have before. I do have an education savings account for her. However, I want her to learn about the world the way I did pay for school and get a part time job too, have some skin in the game and appreciate the hard work and effort that comes with this responsibility. I want her to travel and see the world and have a deeper appreciation of it. I’ve been reading some infant self development books as I want her to become who she is meant to be and not someone that I think she should be and forcing my desires on her. It’s certainly a balancing act and I’m going to do my best.
In my finance career I’ve seen many parents rescue their children and bail them out of many situations and never let them learn their lesson and they keep taking advantage of their parents. At what point are you enabling them or helping them?
Good post Tim!
Susie
Hi Tim, I happen to agree with all your points. I’m a parent a somewhat reluctant one at that. Children do bring some joy and lots of challenges, luckily I tend to be fairly stoic and see challenges as something that normally helps me grow.
Growing up in unusual circumstances taught me to be reasonably self reliant. I tend to see life as one huge theatre of learning and exploration.
Since I can’t see the future, I’m pretty relaxed about what my children wish to do. School fees, college or university is something they can decide on but I’m not paying for it. Yes, I will attempt or suggest ways for them to explore what’s out there but I’m not going to have a fight about it.
Ultimately why should I interfere with their opportunity to learn and strive.
Cheers
Steve
I so agree with you! My one son had no choice but to work hard in order to get into University and posted excellent results working autonomously. My other son had to go to work immediately after school. As a single mom I was barely able to pay their school education but definitely not able to pay for tertiary education. They have shown incredible grit and determination, both have savings accounts and my eldest has just bought his own car (with a little help from me). Both give surf lessons in their free time to earn extra cash. I really think we should be careful in trying to cushion our children too much. I witness the “helicopter parenting” phenomenon every day, in my own family, in my job as a teacher. It is becoming scary how much parents want to protect their children nowadays. I did insist on one thing for them though: I sent them overseas to experience other cultures and to broaden their minds. It has worked, me thinks.
I agree with Vijayita – I don’t think education will be delivered in the same way when your ex clients child goes to uni (or doesn’t go)… Online learning will be normal unless there’s a reason why you need to be at uni (labs or something). I don’t disagree with her wanting to put away money for her childs education (I wish my parents had) so he doesn’t have to go through life with such a massive education loan, but surely investing it wisely and adding a small percentage to the fund would be enough (and yep, take him travelling!). Also support that kids don’t necessarily make you happier, in fact they can cause the opposite effect – I’m living proof!
Meaning ALWAYS leads to happiness.
Might be not immediately but down the road
And leading meaningless life always leads to unhappiness. Even if it’s free of stress and seems to be high on positive emotions
Might be not immediately but down the road
Those psychological researches are shortsighted as they measure only immediate satisfaction. I prefer Viktor Frankl approach (clinically proven by the way) to most modern New Age books on happiness and positivity.
From Frankl approach your advice to this lady was not good imho. You don’t understand that she is happy by having meaning in her life. So you decided to make her unhappy, and she quit, because she did not want to loose meaning.
If you as a coach want to take a meaning from somebody’s life – then offer him first another meaning.
And BTW – do you know that one of the most regrets that Americans have in life is that they didn’t get enough good education (according to researches)?
Er…no it doesn’t.
You can have meaning in your life and have your family wiped out by the Black Death and you won’t be happy. You will probably keep going and it will be better than not having meaning, but you won’t be happy.
Plus there are millions of people that have no real meaning in life but are happy as clams.
As for Frankl, well he developed an entire arm of therapy in terms of logotherapy, but if you think he was saying meaning will always make you happy you need to go back to the book and read it again, especially the second part.
I didn’t take meaning off my client, I have no power to do that, she was working herself into an early grave.
And finally, I have read research that suggests people’s biggest regrets are not spending enough time with loved ones, working too much, not traveling more and worrying too much, but I have never fucking read or heard anything suggesting people on their deathbed wished they’d got a better education. What a load of bollocks.
Love your insights on this. Having raised four daughters who decided that university was not for them, are thriving very well in what they are doing.
I have believed that the purpose of a parent was to make sure your kids survived to they graduated. After that, it was pretty much that they were going to do what they wanted to do anyway.
Now survived meant being resilient, competent in what they were doing, being reliable individuals which also meant being accountable and finally sociable individuals who got a long with others and made friends.
We also followed as you suggested, provided a variety of experiences, traveled and showed them that there is a bigger world out there.
They are all in their 30’s now raising their children and from what I have observed following the same guidelines.
Cheers
Good work fella!
Hi Tim – this article is absolutely spot on. I will be physically shoving my kids out of the door to experience the world as soon as they are old enough.
Cheers Rachel
Yes indeed. If that’s the Rachel I think it is, I know damn well you will! See you in April.
Think that might be you best post yet Tim, you getting good at this!
I’m getting the hang of it after 12 years ;)
super duper agree
i am also always wondering that how we can create predictions of how much money the kid is going to need. for all you know in 10 years the business model of education could have been completely toppled
And I think it will be Vijayita. Online education and learning is driving everything down, it’s only a matter of time before organizations rise up to challenge the schools and kick their ass on price.