Does Waterboarding Get You More Love?
The following is a guest post from Christine Rich Hanson.
You’re minding your business you were handed at birth, aka your life.
All is well.
It’s a normal day.
No S.W.A.T. guys rappelling down your building telling you there’s a terrorist on the 5th floor and to go with them out the window from your 20th floor.
Just a regular day of getting by, mixed with the usual subconscious desires to be understood and loved by other fellow souls in human form.
Then, from nowhere…
Incoming Attack!
Your eyes bulge forward and you feel the searing pain of the gut punch, as you read a horrific, angst-provoking, off-base attack message delivered by electronic form.
Text, email—because nobody actually says these things in 2015 with their vocal cords when they have the option to blast from a keyboard—and you find yourself reeling backwards in your chair.
You’ve assumed the waterboarding position.
The waves from the rush of fear and mind-scrambling, “How could they say that? That was so mean! What were they thinking? I’m not like that!” washes and flows over you so rapidly you feel gasping…for air and for the reason for this missile of hate.
You pace, you cover your mouth so the gasps of what you want to say don’t come out, your mind seeks permission to begin the sequence launch for the retaliation fighter jets to destroy the author of the message.
But wait.
The message was from your significant other.
Your finger(s) hover over the keyboard.
A few strokes and you could take them out…AND TEACH THEM A LESSON NOT TO EVER, EVER, IN THE NEXT 10 DECADES, WILL THEY EVER DO THAT TO YOU AGAIN!
*shoving a table over mentally for emphasis*
*and kicking through a window mentally because the table wasn’t enough*
*and isn’t that a cat you spot who needs kicking too?*
Note: No cats were harmed during the writing of this post, and cat kicking is not condoned.
A little voice within says “Calm down; you are creating attachment to chaotic mind thoughts, and meditating would help”.
Uh, yeah, NOT NOW!
It’s easier, not fruitful, but easier to focus on a quick round of some “How dare they?” hi-fives with the Righteous Union sitting outside your heart and some “
Why ME?” slap-on-the-backs from the Pity Brigade—also sitting on the curb outside of your heart.
Outside of the Heart
Yep, that’s where you can roll around in the distraction mud of stinky yuck and the suction of your indignation while you figure out how you will retaliate.
Sort of feels good like eating your way through the county fair with wild abandon until you puke on the Ferris wheel.
You faintly hear: “you could do something new and healing” but all you know is the old comfortable way where not changing fits just fine.
The conditioned-by-society retaliation response is a lot, lot, less challenging.
New, evolved tool such as loving your fellow human?
Makes you just want to hit someone with a suggestion like that.
Retaliation’s the hell-on-Earth warhead that society markets with enough social proof that Google would have to take notice.
But before I get all philosophical and helpful…
What The Hell Just Happened?
[I’ll use a woman being triggered, but these events are equal opportunity.]
Lisa was minding her business she was handed at birth, aka her life.
All was well.
It was a normal day.
She was looking forward to the weekend’s societally appointed minor-holiday, Fourth of July, with you, at the family picnic.
Back at your office, you found out that your guy friends scored an extra ticket to your favorite band of all time—the one you’ve loved since high school—and, unbelievable, but Bryan has access to a private jet to get there.
You are so in.
You can’t believe your luck.
You dash off a quick text to your girl and let her know the exciting news.
A few minutes later…you get her response…and you’re thinking waterboarding would hurt less.
Lisa got your text and instead of resonating with your feelings of joy, her survive-at-all costs conditioning from society kicks in with quantum light speed annihilation that you, sir, are a cad.
It does not matter, right then and there, that you were her dream guy two seconds ago.
That was then.
Listen to Tolle, be present now and right now is not good Mister-who-wants-to-go-see-his-stupid band.
The Retaliation Laws RULE.
You will receive a scathing email because you have disappointed her conditioning.
Not her…she loves you, it’s just that right now, Retaliation rays from them out there conditioning are burning you up.
The email conveys in no uncertain terms that you PROMISED you’d be at the family picnic.
Followed by DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY.
Followed by YOU DON’T LOVE ME.
Followed by IF YOU GO TO THAT CONCERT, THEN…
You feel:
- Misunderstood,
- Accused of lacking values,
- Guilt tripped
- Threatened
Now, if you’ve never seen the Declaration of Retaliation Law hanging in The Societal Museum of Control, it clearly states that man or woman, under this societal duress may invoke Commandment #1:
Rally friends to see if they agree that the other person is not only wrong, but possibly the incarnation of Dick Dastardly himself, without cute Mutley.
For you, you got away with only a label of cad; be grateful that Dr. Phil hasn’t heard about your wrong doings.
In a follow-up digital communication you will hear that EVERYONE (that is to be taken as the world, but a Facebook status update will suffice as sufficient evidence) agrees with Lisa.
True, you did not get to speak at your own trial because the Retaliation Law does not provide for that.
At this point there’s typically 3 ways to proceed:
1. Talk It Out – Maybe To Death
Both of you get into really heated angry, dialogue, duking it out with verbal one-upmanship until you can’t quite remember what you’re talking about, then exhausted, sleep, and go at it again in the morning.
Eventually the family picnic and band eruption will cool, feathers will un-ruffle and back to normal life.
Until the next trigger episode.
2. Society’s Method… It’s Your Way or the Highway
With this one, each of you get revved up on righteous indignation and go for the jugular.
Put your focus on dramatic displays (huffing, puffing, slamming doors, cold shoulders, glaring, etc.) requiring psychic interpretation for the You-Mate-Had-Better-Figure-Out-Why-I’m-So-Mad Spectrum.
For Lisa: Keep up the blame and the thought that he doesn’t love you in your head.
Dwell on the cruelty of his attack, throw in a dose of he must be a liar, and obsess on different ways to punish the cad now and forever until the rage brewing inside subsides because he came to you begging for mercy in a repentant apologetic and groveling state.
For The Cad: Reread the above paragraph and change the pronouns. Do the exact same thing.
3. Take the High Road (with all of that forgiveness and love and spiritual stuff)
Since you both are mirroring each other’s mindset, energy, and have been subject to the same old crappy societal conditioning, try this:
- Realize you both saw “harsh” words from the other—interpreted by your mind.
- This led to intense upset in each of you instantaneously.
- This led to wanting to inflict enough hurt to cause them to writhe in more pain than you.
Why a need to inflict the pain?
Weird, but humanly true: To punish them into loving you again, because you think they aren’t loving you right now.
This is the only time we care about an Eckhart “now”—when we want to feel loved by them this second because otherwise we feel we can’t carry on.
Next, realize that punishing someone into loving you probably did not make Mother Theresa’s Top 10,000 Ways to Love Another.
Know, that the other person feels the exact same way as you—and you are not more entitled to feeling upset over the other.
You are not the King/Queen of Entitlement.
And last, if we are here on this Earth and we want love, what if we understood that the other person is just like us, and wants our love, our understanding, our compassion and retaliation only serves to shut down love in us and them…maybe for days or months.
Can we find enough courage to not stay trapped inside with the retaliation terrorist in our conditioned mind and instead go with the SWAT team out the window and drop to the safety of love for us and compassion for them?
Hon, that’s so great you can go see the band. I feel excited with you. I felt bummed out at first, but then I focused on the opportunity for you and that has nothing to do with your feelings of love for me.
Ahh, the power of love.
AUTHOR BIO
Christine Rich Hanson is a certified relationship and family coach. She’s gently, but boldly, helping women find love, or, feel loved inside the most painful I-don’t-know-what-to-do-anymore situations.
Find her at: www.ChristineRichHanson.com and download the free Cheat Sheet for Dealing with Men.
Image One Courtesy of Jim Pennucci
Image Two Courtesy of Michael Oliani
@Complete Essay… thank you very much. I hope it was beneficial.
Greats and interesting articles it is nice info in this post.
@Andrew…Yes, indeed, that is true. Just stopping to get all of the facts first…and rationally…will certainly make us more open to choosing a loving approach. Thanks for the great comment!
Best, Christine
Very true and helpful.
Thank you for sharing your deep thoughts about it.
We all know that as adults in many situations and during hard times.
It’ s easy also to forget it in moments of stress or when you don’ t quickly see a way out ( or you simply miss extra additional infos about a topic or a issue ).
There is always a better way if you use first of all ” rationality”…loving is indeed the higher way ,as soon as you are capable to switch!
Hi Terrence Ellis, All I can say is thank you for your generous and kind words and taking the time to comment.
It feels really nice that it resonated with you.
Big hugs, Christine
Hi S A, and thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to share.
Yes, I imagine all of us would be millionaires many times over if we were paid when we seek retaliation over love. And I suppose that’s a wonderful example of a financially well off person living in miserable hell on earth!
We all each day try to undo the conditioning the best we can.
Many hugs to you, Christine
Hi Mary S, Thank you kindly for commenting. I’ll share that the retaliation game does have the boomerang effect of, once busted, supplying self-hate and shame, making the choice of retaliation a vicious circle. But it’s so trained into us by society! Yikes!
That’s why if we can have the courage to choose love, we are encircled with more love. Counter-intuitive to the conditioning of society, eh?
Hugs, Christine
@Mary…No need to feel ashamed for doing the retaliation game! It’s trained into you and you’re doing the best you can. Now you can experiment with a new choice and see how that feels. Hugs, Christine
Thank you Christine for your insightful and caring article….it’s so wonderful to hear what can be complicated put simply yet thought provoking……you have a true gift that makes me feel right at home….Thank You
Wow, Christine, this is so well written. I agree 200% with everyone who commented here and am very grateful that you posted this blog. If I had a penny for every time I did that I swear I would be at least a millionair by now lol. Thanks again and keep posting more of these insightful posts.
Oh, how I hate myself for the times I did that. Like you mention. We should know better, but there is that human side of us that just cannot go of the “ego” or ‘shame’. Great illustration! tks
@Tim Brownson Thank you so much for the opportunity. Your generosity towards a guest blogger to contribute is exceptional. You lay out what you want, follow through, and are exceptionally gracious in the process. No wonder you help so many people. Much appreciated, Tim!
How true. I have done that so many times I am ashamed. The funny things is that we know what is right to do, but somehow just can’t… Tks!
@ Elliot…First, thanks for the comment!
Secondly, to your question about how does one not get angry with the change of plans from an SO after the expectation that they would be there…
My take is, and this is a challenge for sure, but to do a big love combo of realizing that, in life, plans are rarely concrete, it’s okay to feel disappointed but not cross over into attack because that pushes the SO away and brings us more pain than the disappointment of them changing plans with us (aka starts a fight–maybe even a long one) and there will probably be some wow-it-turned-out-okay-even-great with the change in plans and to train yourself to look for that golden surprise. Choosing the loving way always, always serves us in the long run. We just have to get past our short term angst and conditioned desire to punish and blame them because we feel so hurt.
Oh, and we definitely have to let go of worrying about others thinking anything negative about our SO not attending an event with us. People are usually thinking of their own issues.
Hope all of this helps. Experiment with choosing a love way the next time and see if it feels better. :)
Thanks a lot to Christine for an excellent post!
Hilarious, but oh-so-accurate. My cat appreciates the included note, by the way. I think this is something that everyone deals with at some point, and am honestly so, so guilty of passive aggressively guilt-tripping my significant other, even though I recognize that there are probably better ways to handle it. How do you pull yourself out of the state of feeling not only sorry for yourself, but also angry? It’s like I can recognize that I’m upset and rationally I know that my SO isn’t meaning to hurt me and is really just excited about the opportunity he’s been presented with… but I feel like I can’t stop myself from acting on the emotions of betrayal and just general frustration, especially when I had already planned our date out or told others at the event to expect both of us!
Hi Barry, Thanks for the generous comment. Yes, sometimes a little humor goes a long way to defuse tense situations and remind us that the other person is just doing the best that they can at any given moment. Thanks for taking the time to weigh in.
It’s rare that you can enjoy hearing about your insecurities, goof-ups etc and actually enjoy it.
T The approach was very effective tough love and seemed to strike a chord of “we’ve all been there” and therefore easier to take in and dig into further
Hey John, Thanks for the comment! Yes, it’s fun to have another option for those sticky situations, as you said, other than the options that just bring us more pain.
Great thoughts about a sticky situation we have all experienced.