After the lunacy surrounding my last two (almost) political posts it’s back to the relative normalcy of self-development and in particular ‘Ask the Life Coach’ today. Yes ‘tis true, I have had not one, not two, but a massive three questions drop in my in-box.

Before I get to the one I chose to answer. I wanted to offer a massive thank you to those of you that offered words of encouragement. As well as the comments left after the posts, I got several e-mails all of which were supportive and all of which reiterated my right to post on whatever subject I saw fit. It means a lot to me, especially as a dozen or so were from people that I don’t know and don’t usually comment.

Now we’ve broken the ice I really hope to see you all leave a comment from time to time. The comments field is there for you to open up the debate and I welcome people that disagree with anything I say as much as those that agree. Some of the comment conversations that have developed have been better than the actual post and that’s the way it should be, so keep ‘em coming people!

A word of warning though. The encouragement may have just gone to my head because I feel future controversial posts brewing away inside me ;-)

I received the following question a week or so ago. I’m not sure whether I should keep the persons identity anonymous, so I’ll do that now and if she feels the need to leave a comment that’s cool.

I am having a very hard time curbing my negativity. My boyfriend has pretty much skated through life unscathed, and rarely gets upset or worked up over anything. He also has never really struggled through anything, especially financially. He has a great job and gets all the hours he wants.

I find myself being very jealous of his attitude, his good fortune, and not to mention the fact that he hasn’t seen all the things I’ve seen. I also feel like I’m bringing him down, you know, being a bad influence. I feel like I am taking too much without giving enough. Of course, when you’re emotionally and financially drained, I suppose you don’t really have much to offer anyway, do you?

If you’re in a really bad mood because of something that has happened at work and you’re sat at home with your partner/parents/imaginary large white rabbit (delete where applicable), and they try and strike up a jovial conversation and tell you what a fun day they  had, what’s likely to happen?

Do you suppose you’re going to be all sweetness and light and put your terrible day behind you, like the mature human being that you are? Or are you more likely to look more miserable than Mick The Monkey after being told the poop flinging competition that he’s been training three years for, has been canceled due to a global epidemic of Simian diarrhea?

For most people it’s the latter. It looks (and often even feels) like the most irrational and ridiculous way to behave, but we do it anyway. I know that I have been involved in situations like that as the instigator (usually with my wife) and been screaming inside my own head “You’re being an ASSHOLE, just shut up.” Invariably though I’d ignore my rational self (and still do on occasions) and bat on regardless.

You know that to be jealous of your boyfriend is irrational and serves little purpose other than to maybe put a strain on your relationship, so let’s do something about it.

The fact that you want to change and recognize that it would be wisest to change is THE single biggest obstacle to overcome. The next biggest obstacle is having t he belief that you CAN change. If you have that, great, but if you don’t e-mail me and we’ll do a part deux. For the time being though I’m going to presume that you know you can change, because you most definitely can.

You’ve learned over the years to be negative because you weren’t born like that. You didn’t pop out of your womb, call the doctor a lucky bastard for having such a great job, declare the world a crap place before giving the nurse the finger and trying to climb back in again.

All negativity starts with your thoughts and just as importantly the language you’re using to interpret those thoughts. Unfortunately those thoughts often go on unchecked in the background and build upon each other.

If you’ve learned something that doesn’t serve you, you can unlearn it or learn something better or more empowering. The bad news is this approach takes a bit of work and you’ll need to maintain it for the rest of your life. The good news is it can be done if you want it badly enough.

It’s imperative that you don’t give yourself a hard time during this, ok? Start with observing your thoughts without judgment and with a sense of curiosity. Don’t just do it every now and then, but take the time to check in several times per day and in various moods. Listen to how you speak to yourself when you’re in a good mood compared to a bad one.

After you’ve done this for a few days (and it would be good to write some of this stuff in a journal to monitor it more closely) start to make some small changes. When you say something negative or aggressive, simply reply internally with “Thanks for that, but I actually prefer to think this….” And then you replace what you said with something more supportive, encouraging and empowering.

The ‘thanks for that’ bit is weird I know, but it’s also important. Taking the time to acknowledge your unconscious mind is crucial. If you just try and ride roughshod over a way of thinking that has worked for you for many years, you’re unconscious will rebel and not give up without a fight.

Keep doing that for as long as it takes. As I said, it will feel weird, maybe even very weird to start with, but each time it will seem a little easier. It’s like asking somebody that suffers from very low self-esteem to stand in front of the mirror and say to the mirror “I love you” I’ve known people that would rather have gone on a magical mystery tour organized by Blind Bob the bus driver than done that. Personally I can’t see the problem, I hang around all day in front of reflective surfaces telling me how wonderful I am.

I’m guessing that when you said, “ he hasn’t seen all the things I’ve seen “you meant bad things, right?

Ok, I get that, but I’m also tempted to say “So what?” (In a nice way of course). Lots of people have seen and been involved with horrific stuff, that’s just the way of the world. Some people deal with it and move on, others fail to deal with it and stay mired in their situation. Quite simply put, it’s a choice. It often doesn’t feel like it is and I know some people will say that’s a massive over-simplification, but in the final analysis, it’s still true.

The fact that you’ve seen things he hasn’t can be seen as a negative, but it can also be seen as a positive. You can reframe negative experiences as learning experiences. You can use them to remind you not to make the same mistakes or to show you how not to do something if it was behavior by another person.

I’m a bit in the dark here because I don’t actually know anything specific of what you had to go through. Having said that I do know that ANYTHING can be reframed. Check this post out for more info.

The only person that can answer the question of whether you’re bringing your boyfriend down and taking too much is your boyfriend. I suspect it’s not true, otherwise he’d probably not be with you. There are other things you can bring to a relationship other than money and if he feels comfortable with what you have to offer, then in my opinion, so should you.