A Simple Technique For Reducing Conflict And Being Liked
Since launching my Life Coaching At The Speed of Sound, I have been really busy working with clients on their values.
Normally I’ll probably only do this one or twice per week, but for the last week or so it’s been a daily and sometimes twice daily experience.
During this time one specific anti-value, that of ‘Conflict’, has reared its ugly head time and time again. I wasn’t sure whether this was just a fluke, or whether it is a trend I’ve simply never noticed before.
So I dug out some old clients files and did some checking. Indeed ‘Conflict’ appeared a lot more frequently than I would have guessed. People (or at least my clients) do genuinely seem to want to avoid being in situations that cause conflict.
Today I wanted to give you one very simple trick to avoid conflict, or rather, to help suppress it before it even arises. And the trick is very simple:
Stop Whyning!
If you can drop the word ‘Why’ from your vocabulary in most instances I guarantee you will see a reduction in conflict in your life. Not only that, but you will also become more popular and if you manage people (including managing your clients), you will become far better at it.
Not a bad deal for such a simple change, eh?
So let me explain in more detail why this works (and yes that is an acceptable use of the word!).
Attack – Defend
Whenever you start a sentence with ‘Why’ you are almost always going to send the person you are talking to (including yourself, if it’s an idle thought) inside their/your own mind to look for a reason to offer that will defend their behavior or position.
As a human being you are hard-wired to hate being wrong.
It’s not your fault, it’s just how it is. Feeling like you are wrong causes a dopamine crash and can also trigger your fight or flight response and all the shit feelings that arise from that.
Therefore, when somebody asks you a question beginning Why’ there is a high probability you will feel under threat and rush to defend yourself from that threat.*
- Why isn’t your bedroom tidy?
- Why wasn’t that report in on time?
- Why are you late for this meeting?
- Why am I such a loser?
All those questions are accusatory and will seldom help solve the solution. Not only are they accusatory, but they are problem focused, which is the second issue with the “Why’ word.
Problem Focusing
Look at the above questions again and you can see that every one of them focuses on the problem and doesn’t seek a solution. It looks for the reason something happened in the first place, rather than for a way to prevent it reoccurring, which is the desirable outcome.
You have no ability to alter the past so trying to find the reason for something is seldom (outside of scientific research) that useful. The only reason to ever look for the cause of why something went wrong or didn’t pan out as you would have liked, is to make sure next time is different.
But what if you could do that without pissing people off? Or without getting into the “It wasn’t my fault’ type of conversation that often deteriorates into a heated argument and and an entrenching of positions?
Solution focused questions are much easier to construct and use than you think. If that is, the will is there and you really want to lower your levels of conflict.
Let’s reconstruct the above questions so you can see what I mean:
What would have to happen for your bedroom to be tidy next time I ask you?
This throws the child (or husband) into the future to think about what they could do differently next time, or what would motivate them to clean up. They are not looking to put blame elsewhere because there is no blame and therefore no threat.
Was there something else I could have done to have helped you get that report in on time?
This defuses any situation by the questioner taking on responsibility. Again there is almost zero chance that a question like that delivered genuinely can escalate a situation into an argument.
Do I need to give you more notice of meetings in future?
This is a clever question because it does a couple of things. As in the above example, it takes responsibility and therefore avoids firing off the fight or flight response in the other person.
Presuming they don’t need more time (if they do then that is a whole different conversation) then by default they have taken responsibility for being late and will flip into a solution mindset without fear of reprisal.
What can I do differently to feel better about myself?
So many people ask themselves, “Why am I such a loser’ (or any other of the dozens of variations on that particular theme) on an all too regular basis and it’s about the suckiest question in the known Universe.
To begin with, it states the information like it’s a fact and that’s just how it is; “I’m a loser PERIOD”
Secondly, it forces the unconscious to go sifting for information to support the validity of the statement, and trust me, it will always find it.
Every time somebody asks themselves that question it reinforces the belief and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Asking “What can I do differently to feel better about myself?” reverses both those things.
It presupposes that change is possible and therefore shifts the belief system. It also requires an answer that is focused on a positive solution and not the reinforcement of a crap negative belief.
I know I have posted on this stuff before, but I do so again because it’s really important. I do write some flippant and link bait-type headlines, but this isn’t one of them. I am deadly serious that if you can make this change you will see numerous positive effects in your life and you’ll be involved in a lot less conflict.
So what do you think? Agree, disagree?
* For some people the fight or flight response can be replaced by an even more basic response, that of shutting down completely.
I like what you’re saying, however, if someone said any of the three alternate second person questions to me, I would immediately still feel defensive and assume that they were just trying to look good while getting the same point across. I am probably a negative person, though. I wonder if anyone else has this same reaction to others. Do you have any suggestions to change my thinking?
Being conscious of it and then just doing it.
Most responses are automatic, so we have to work hard at changing the automatic default reaction, and you can only do that by staying conscious of your thoughts.
And yeh, I’m sure there are lots of people like that, you’re definitely not alone!
Hmmm… I’ve seen this ad TV about the benefits of WHY and it got people to all the great developments, finding answers about life and all that. But it’s true, when it comes to dealing with people, the WHY becomes a source of conflict.
In my humble opinion, we could WHY within ourselves but put the WHAT forward with words. Like instead of asking a client “Why did that happen to you in the first place?” and make that person even feel more of a loser, try asking “What do you think should be done to get out of that situation?”
The WHYs we give often returns half-baked reasons, even all out lies and curbing around truths that we need. In the end, nothing is resolved fast and full because of the WHYs that only antagonize.
But still, I love how WHY led society to great discoveries. And they didn’t even SPEAK the WHYs. They had that in mind and heart and then sought answers. Maybe if we did the same, and verbalized other forms of question, it would lead to a positive end.
This post sure does elicit a lot of deeper thinking into holding back some words and putting in brighter light the results we want. Instead of that WHY that says, “Let’s get ready to rummmmmmble!” Sorry, couldn’t help it. Just watched a great boxing match over the weekend. :)
~Arina~
I think any question can be asked equally well without using why, but if you have an example that contradicts that, I’d LOVE to hear it ;-)
Thanks for sharing this Tim,
Do you happen to use any DISC or similar assessments with clients? We use them to help understand our client’s values and motivations. When we know what drives the people we work with, we can help share “why” people have conflict and then work on a solution for creating connections.
It’s a really great experience to see two people who have conflict, finally come to an understanding and move forward as friends.
Nope I don’t like stuff like that at all.
I do a lot of work round individual values, but I hate any testing that pigeon holes people such as Myers-Briggs.
Totally agreed, pigeon holing is awful. I know you are very successful already so keep it up.
Just was curious since the topic of conflict comes up a lot with our business clients. Figured you might have used some of the same tools since what you spoke about sounds just like what we teach our clients.
Keep up the good work. If you want to see how pigeon holed our assessments are we’d love to send you a link ;)
I love the way you turned those situations around by changing why into what or how. I’m not sure it always works. Replacing “Why did this enormous fellow smash me in the face with his ham sized fist?” With “What did I do or say to cause this enormous fellow to smash me in the face with his ham sized fist.” doesn’t change the situation. Perhaps “What would it take to get you to not hit me in the face again with your ham sized fist?” would help. But I suspect the real question would be “Shoud I pick up my teeth and run away or retaliate and hope death will come swiftly?”
None of the language changes the situation, but asking What did I do or say to cause this enormous fellow to smash me in the face with his ham sized fist” is more likely to come up with a solution to not getting getting punched in the face the next time.
I use the “How can I help you succeed next time?” with my kids a lot. It seems far more effective than “What were you thinking?” I wish I could say it comes naturally but it doesn’t, my first reaction is usually the latter. Maybe with practice and an internal question of “What can I do to make me succeed next time…”
I actually like “What were you thinking?” if it’s delivered properly and not rhetorically as a replacement for why did you do that?
Tim, you mention values. One perspective I use to related values to the higher level needs we all have. The challenge,of course, is that everyone has different values/higher level needs and their strategies to meet these vary accordingly.
If you accept that ALL behaviour is derived from unmet needs, seeking understand what need is missing for someone, rather than focusing on their behaviour, identifying the need and then helping them to meet the need without creating collateral damage will go a long way to reducing conflict.
I like it Charley.
“Do I need to give you more notice of meetings in future?”
That would not work for me and I would likely want to punch you straight between the eyes for being such a patronising turd.
Phrased that way I’d feel you were trying to belittle me. There may be a damn good reason why I’m late, I’d love you to know what that is before you start getting all judgmental on me you tosspot.
Same with Was there something else I could have done to have helped you get that report in on time?. I’d see that as some new-age management bullshit similar to that used by David Brent or Michael Scott.
When we ask ‘why’ I think we’re actually saying, your conduct has pissed me off and you need to know about it! So perhaps it’s easier to express that frustration directly? Or simply not express it at all?
Sometimes people need to be held to account, and sometimes it’s better to be direct rather than fannying around on the periphery.
In terms of self-talk though, I accept your point that it’s better to focus on the solution, but again, surely sometimes it’s appropriate to tell yourself off and kick your own arse back into line?
What do you think? :-)
Dave, is there something I can help you with? You seem in pain, should I channel your Guardian Angel for you and find out what the route of all this hostility is?
Or should I just knee you in the bollocks?
Don’t worry mate, I’m just peeved because I put in a cosmic order for parking space directly outside the front door of the supermarket and it didn’t appear. I had to walk 200 yards to buy my lotto ticket… and I wouldn’t be surprised if the jackpot isn’t delivered either. Bloody cosmos.
Did the jackpot turn up? You just reminded me of that grinning idiot that made a career (for a day or tow anyway) out of finding car parking spaces.
Was it you?
LOL
No on both counts.
I won naff all on the lottery = but I used to collect trolleys from car parks as a Saturday boy at Morrisons, is that close enough?
Stop Whyning! Absolutely love this. There’s profound wisdom behind this one phrase.
It also makes me think of being grateful for what I have. Hey, I might make that into a post. Mind if I steal the phrase for a title?
Thanks Tim, you always make me think and make new connections.
Use away Mary!
I agree with you about 80% of the way. I think it is true that a lot of people today get too caught up in the “Why?” We constantly need reasons for why things happen, and when that knowledge isn’t available to us we get stuck in our heads looking for answers. I know I’ve suffered this fate before.
However, there are also many practicalities that come with reflecting on past experiences and asking “Why?”
You say:
“Look at the above questions again and you can see that every one of them focuses on the problem and doesn’t seek a solution. It looks for the reason something happened in the first place, rather than for a way to prevent it reoccurring, which is the desirable outcome.”
Sometimes to prevent it from reoccuring we need to look back and assess the situation in greater detail or from a different perspective.
“You have no ability to alter the past so trying to find the reason for something is seldom (outside of scientific research) that useful. The only reason to ever look for the cause of why something went wrong or didn’t pan out as you would have liked, is to make sure next time is different.”
That is a very big only.
Overall however I think you are right that many people today are falling into the trap of too much “Why?” asking. It’s a useful technique in personal development, but it can also become an addiction.
I totally agree that looking back can be helpful, but that still doesn’t mean we need to say ‘Why?’
“Why did I act like such a jackass?”, could easily be reframed as “What caused me to act in that way?”
It’s not as big an ‘only’ as you might imagine, because a lot of people go looking in the past for reasons to beat themselves up why allows them to do that.
Is there something I can do to make you a Jags fan rather than a Rams fan?
Not with those hideous uniforms there isn’t. Maybe changing to blue and gold would do it.
When I work with parents, we do a lot of work on changing the natural response to ask “Why…?”
‘Why’implies there’s a justifiable answer for lying, not doing homework, ditching class, etc. Better to focus on changing the behaviors through clear and consistent rule-setting, supervision, and follow-through.
Also, ‘why’ just invites so much needless diaglogue.
That’s interesting and haven’t heard “Why am I such a loser?” I imagine the person is firstoff looking for a refutation (is that an actual word??)?
You have never had a client tell you they think they are a loser? Really?
I’ve had it a handful of times, but I think a lot more people think it about themselves than we care to imagine.
Agree, agree, agree, agree!!!!!!
We have to accept that when asking “why”, we are going to get “reasons”. These “reasons” though, are often false! Not because the person is hiding the truth, but because he/she genuinely does not know the answer; he/she quickly and UNCONSCIOUSLY constructs a reason with his/her mind to answer the “why” question effectively (we avoid saying “I don’t know” as well).
Thus, apart from accusing with our “whys”, we are also not going to get effective answers…
Great post!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!
I once told my husband if he asked ‘why’ one more time, he would be come ‘ex.’ That worked. ;-)
I do find that with my kids, I am more reasonable about using the approaches you describe but I get short-tempered with adults from whom I expect more. In those situations, I find it’s difficult to ask those questions without a sarcastic undertone. Deep breath and focus on what I’m trying to achieve, I suppose.
Adults are just kids that got older.
Seriously, if they grew up and were taught one way (albeit implicitly), what would make you think they’d do anything different once they slipped into adulthood?
Nice post, Tim. I’m a big fan of the “Do I need to give you more notice of meetings in future?”, having them take responsibility tactic you discussed.
Another tactic I use to avoid conflict, which I will admit is arguably manipulative, is approaching it like they would really be helping me out or doing me a favor if they could be on time, clean their room, get the project done, etc. It doesn’t work for everyone, but I’ve found it works well with people you have a strong rapport with and they really do desire to be helpful. And it’s not completely manipulative, because it really would be a help to my mental well-being if people did what they were responsible to do and I didn’t have to argue with or confront them directly.
Personally, I like conflict. I think how people deal with it is fascinating. I like it so much, I studied in grad school. So, I’m also (annoying) a smarty pants about the topic.
I don’t think that’s manipulative at all, at least not in a negative way.
I’ve posted about it before. Whether we like it or not we are hard wired to want to help each other so asking for that help will often work if, as you say, you’re in rapport.