
4 Taboo Myths Of Self Development
The following is a guest post from Tara Schiller
We’re all familiar with the wise and simple phrase Know Thyself, but if you’ve ever tried to accomplish this feat, you understand it’s easier said than done.
In fact, it might feel like it would be easier to chisel the phrase out of stone with your bare hands and a toothpick.
Despite the challenge, there are definitely tools that can be used to help this process along.
One of these tools is becoming aware of beliefs and ideals you’ve grown blind to over time.
We all have understandings we’ve formed throughout our lives that are so familiar to us, we stop seeing them. And until someone or something points them out, we don’t realize they’re there.
These ideals can be different for everyone, especially as you go deeper and deeper into your self discovery, but here are 4 popular ones that are worth exploring right now.
Self Development Myth #1 – Just Be Happy
Being happy doesn’t seem like an ideal at first, because we all want to be happy, right?
But take a step back a minute. Is happy always a good thing?
We’ve been told that our feelings can be controlled if we just think the “right” way, so if we are angry, hurt, bitter, or depressed, we are led to believe we’ve failed at overcoming our negative emotions.
We weren’t able to forgive or work it out, so we are now “negative people”, which brings shame.
But negative emotions are part of being human.
We all have them, and their very existence is what brings interest and excitement to the positive emotions inside of us. In fact, some negative emotions can even be enjoyable to experience if we allow it.
If we think of emotions each carrying a unique color, we can then see that only carrying one end of the spectrum (positive) would be a much less interesting picture than experiencing all of the colors.
Taking away the stigma that we should “just be happy”, will allow us to acknowledge when we really feel negative about something, further exposing our hearts to our minds.
Self Development Myth #2 – Easy is Better
So often we are told to find the easiest path. To look forward to retirement, or the day we’re all rich.
After all, wouldn’t it be great if no one had to work and we could all just lounge around on a beach all day?
Let me tell you, just as negative emotions bring excitement to positive emotions, hard work brings contrast to relaxation. So seeking out the easiest path isn’t always best, and can steal our ability to see what’s going on RIGHT NOW.
There have been times when I’ve caught myself anxiously striving towards the day when I’m financially free and can just have fun all day, and then I realize I love how hard I’m working right now.
It actually doesn’t bother me at all, because there’s a deep satisfaction I get from overcoming a challenge.
But because I’m told again and again to strive for the beach, I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do, so I become unhappy with where I am.
It’s okay to want to work hard, and it’s okay to want to lounge on a beach.
But be aware that this is a stigma, so that when you’re trying to find out what you really want in the moment, you know to find your own answer.
Self Development Myth #3 – Divorce is a Failure
This is a hard one. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve coached who feel like they have failed in life because they have yet to live “happily ever after” with another person.
But when I dig a little deeper, most people are happy they left their spouses. In fact, many times it was the very thing that pushed them to implement great changes in their lives.
I’ve also found that while the relationship could have been wonderful for many years, the fact that it ended badly discredits the relationship as a whole.
It’s okay to say, “I had an amazing and great relationship, and then when we changed as people, our relationship didn’t work anymore, so we ended it.”
Not that divorce isn’t hurtful and ugly and hard, but being divorced is not a failure, it’s just the end of one thing and the beginning of another.
Allow yourself to view divorce as a growing experience that taught you more about who you are and what you don’t like, so you could be healthier and stronger now.
This doesn’t mean you have to start pretending it doesn’t hurt, or that you aren’t screwed up from it, but letting go of the idea that you can only have a successful life if you have a successful marriage, will allow you to acknowledge your life as valid right now.
Self Development Myth #4 – Blood is Thicker Than Water
Family bonds are deep and they carry great meaning and strength in our lives, but more often than not, family members aren’t the people you would have willingly chosen for yourself.
The differences between you could be something as little as liking different music, to as large as practicing different religions.
Here’s the thing: Who we surround ourselves with matters. Even family.
ESPECIALLY family.
Because we desire to be loved and accepted by our family more than anyone else, what they think about us is going to affect us more than a non family member would
The problem with this is that many times family has a hard time adjusting to who we become as an adult, especially if it’s something very different than the way we were raised.
So sticking with family to the end, might not be the best option. If you want to grow and become more fully your true self, you may have to seek out friends who support your true person, and set boundaries against family that doesn’t.
These four stigmas are just a few of the issues keeping us from knowing who we really are, but there are countless cultural and environmental ideals that we’ve stored away in our minds that are blocking our way.
The best way to start sifting through and finding these barriers, is to start asking yourself the question, “How do I feel about x in this very moment?”
Not how you should feel or are supposed to feel, but how you really feel when something happens. Your truth only exists in the moment.
When theory is stripped away and you are forced to stare a lion in the face, only then will you know if you’ll run away screaming, or fight to the death.
So go ahead, start knowing thyself a little better, and get rid of those ideas that don’t really belong to you.
Author Bio
Tara Schiller spent the last 10 years of her life dedicated to the sole purpose of coming fully alive.
Now she uses her knowledge and experience to help others in the process by authoring the blog, Absolutely Tara, and writing E-Courses dedicated to the discovery of a person’s true self, and the process of taking that discovery and making it real.
Great Post Tara. Great reminder that sometimes we are blinded by the social, cultural, familial constructs we grew up with that clouds our way of being true to ourselves. And just by choosing to shift and see things from a different angle, certainly opens up the room to grow into being our authentic self.
Hey hey Tara, Tim! I am glad to see these posted, but I really want to see something else added to posts like these. There’s a good deal of malignant narcissists in the world, something like 1 in 20 people if I recall the stats correctly, and I have so far, met one personally and had the misfortune of interaction with her, and have known people who have been abused by one. The abuse keeps a person from being self aware and able to develop a sense of self that they really need to be healthy, and due to some really clever manipulative tactics by the narcissistic person, it usually goes unnoticed, and the person simply suffers in the relationship with them. It can be a co-worker, romantic partner, anyone … and they cause real pain. I don’t suppose anyone, guest poster or otherwise would be keen to tackle this thing head on?
I have no idea what a malignant narcissist is!!!
Excellent points, all of them! #1 especially resonated with me. I think the “positive thinking” movement has become so misguided. The times when we are NOT happy and when we are NOT thinking positively are the times when our mind has something to teach us about ourselves and our understanding. The most challenging times in life are also the times with the most potential for growth.
I love how you put it Bethany. I agree that I have learned so much about myself during times of pain or unrest. Including, a love for the negative side of me as well.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
This is a great post Tara! I can tell you are living by your truths. I agree that “divorce is a failure” is a myth. I think that the divorce myth gets some women depressed, when they shouldn’t feel that way. Divorce is an understanding that two people are not traveling in the same direction anymore. I believe there should be more amicable divorces, but even if that is not possible we have to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and move on, even if it is to another relationship. With that being said, I do believe that as couples we should support each other through good times and not so good times, but I think the thing that few people understand with divorce is that it is similar to a job, you can only not produce (love, understanding, kindness, family goals) for so long before your review comes up and your spouse decides if they want to move forward, put you on a performance improvement plan, or cut their losses.
Apologies Robyn, I just found your comment in the spam folder for some weird reason!
Tara,
This is such an insightful post. Thanks so much for this !
You’re welcome!
Thank you Naveen.
I will be the first to say that unnecessary negative emotions are unwelcome in my life. However, what I’m talking about is that the full range of emotions are completely natural, so while we can manipulate many of our surface level emotions by changing our perspective, there are times when a deeper more in-depth emotion needs to be acknowledged and processed, and that this process can actually be quite enjoyable and healing.
Tara, I agree with this 100%. However, this was not the point of my objections. My view is in my reply to Tim.
Don’t agree with the first 2 points. Being happy shall be always our goal.
If a person is angry and is unhappy because he is angry, this is exactly the emotion which shall be worked on. Instead of being unhappy, he may shift his attention to the state of being not angry, while praising himself on his achievement on the way. Yes, it’s not easy to “just be happy”, but this shall be our mindset, the first and the impost important goal of our life, and the criteria which we use to change our life.
I think that Tara wants to say that emotions shall not be supressed, and we shall not put on the air of happiness when we’re unhappy, but this another thing.
And everything good comes easy. If we like the job, we may be wotking 12h a day, but we like it, and it’s easy, and we’re happy.
Buddhist philosophy is all about life contains suffering.
We cannot be happy all the time and sometimes it’s ok not to be and to have negative emotions.
I wasn’t happy when my parents died.
Do you think the Dalai Lama was happy when the Chinese forced him into exile?
Do you think Nelson Mandella was happy to lose a quarter of his life on Robyn Island?
We can be positive and hopeful without having to be happy.
As for the second point I shall use the same examples.
The Dalai Lama has been campaigning to get Tibet back for over 50 years. I think we can agree that being given it back would be a good thing. Has it come easy?
Nelson Mandella worked tireless for a similar period to see the end of apartheid, Was that easy?
I think Tara nailed both points and you haven’t really thought this through mate!
:)
The philosophy which is all about life contains suffering is definitely not my philosophy. My philosophy is “life is challenge and development”.
Yes, we suffer in our life and it’s sometimes very difficult for us. But this is not because life contains suffering, but because we can’t handle it right. We’re learning to handle it, and gradually it’s becoming easier and more enjoyable. Step by step we expand our “happiness circle” by learning to live happily with those events and in those conditions which used to trigger our unhappiness. The very point that we’re still suffering shows that there is something for us to learn.
The same is true about the Dalai Lama. I don’t know if he was suffering and if it was not easy for him, but if yes – then he is also the life student, perhaps much more advanced but still student.
About the parents. It’s natural not be happy when our beloved die. But this feeling is the egoistical one, because we cry about ourselves, not about them. And we may be sad (for us) and at the same time happy (for them). It’s possible to be sad and happy at the same time.
Certainly, there is no sense of avoiding hard feelings. My point is that we shall always try to make it easier and be happy, move our emotions up.
Easier is always better, and just be happy! First achieve this state of consciousness than act from it. Difficult – yes, impossible – no!!
The Dalai Lama would be tje first to admit he’s a student.
We all are.
[It seems that LinkedIn doesn’t like some comments, if they are a tad longer – so here’s my full comment ]
It is a myth that you can and always will be happy. It is not how we and the world are made up. There are always ups and downs and accepting that fact, is another step – not so much towards “happiness” as it is always understood, but towards equanimity. Following the easiest path may be an option if the “easy” is defined as the most effective one. Then consider also the adage “Following the easiest path makes rivers and men crooked”. Family? Well – if not totally dysfunctional – can be a great way to develop Self, because they may know things about you that you subconsciously ignore or don’t know (Johari’s Window). And knowing yourself starts with realising that the world around you and how you perceive it and people, is totally subjective – it is how you, your brain, your MIND or EGO have made it as it is. ( “Knowing Self “ is a huge subject and authors better equipped to help you are people like Eckhart Tolle or Jamie Smart – see: The Power of Now, A New Earth and The Little Book of Clarity)
Jamie Smart is actually an acquaintance of mine, I did some NLP training with him. I hooked up with him for a coffee on my last but one trip home.
I have Clarity ready to go as my next audiobook, not sure why it’s taken me so long to get to it.
There are never solutions that work for everyone the same. Some people will get more from their family and some won’t. The idea is to realize what’s best for you alone. But sometimes we don’t see where we’ve blocked our emotions, because of the “supposed to’s” we’ve been operating under.
Thanks for your comment.
Great post Tara. Especially liked your point regarding negative emotions. I think the just be happy syndrome is to the detriment of many people who then end up stuffing “negative” emotions down which is ultimately unhelpful. Well done. :-)
Couldn’t agree more Sonia!
Thanks Sonia. There is definitely a suffocating happiness trend out there. And I get it, because I hate useless negativity, but it’s not always useless. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for featuring me Tim! It’s great to be on A Daring Adventure Blog.
-Tara
You’re welcome, it’s a fucking brilliant post that I would have been thrilled with if I’d written!