The Reason So Many People Are Unhappy
In a recent newsletter I asked any readers who were in serious financial trouble to e-mail me if they would like a free copy of How To Be Rich and Happy.
The purpose of the book is to help people help themselves and as we are going to launch the PDF version free to students next month, I thought it would a cool way to start the process.
8 people e-mailed me and requested a copy of the book and I sent one to each person, even the guy who just said, “yeh, I’d like a copy” with no please or thanks in the e-mail.
How many do you think responded with an e-mail of thanks?
Six, seven, maybe all of them?
Not exactly.
Two.
And one of those two people was an 11 year-old girl who had explained that it wasn’t a financial issue, just that her parents didn’t allow her to buy anything online.
If Only It Were A One-off
I was telling this story to my friend, Bob Poole the other day and expected him to be amazed.
But he just chuckled, then sighed, then said, “I’m not surprised, something similar happened to me recently”
He went on to tell me that he made the decision to offload a chunk of his private book collection as he was running out of room and digitizing the books he really wanted to refer back to.
So he offered the books, mainly on sales and marketing, to his blog and newsletter readers for free. Not only were they free, but he offered to pay the shipping.
I doubt that generous offer cost him much less than $100, yet he did slightly worse than me.
He also got 2 notes of thanks but that only equates to a tad less than 7% of the people.
Neither I nor Bob did this because we wanted people lying prostrate at our feet rapt in awe and gratitude. Our motivation was purely and simply because we both like helping people.
And helping other people is usually a win/win situation with the payback for the giver being the feeling that they’re making a difference.
But for those 6 people, I genuinely don’t feel like I have made a difference and I’m not sure the book will help. It may I guess, but I doubt it.
Happiness Springs From Gratitude
And the reason that I don’t think I’ve helped them is because to be genuinely happy you have to be a grateful person.
Seriously, I don’t think this has ever crossed my mind before, but the more I have thought about it, the more I have become convinced that without gratitude you’re never going to be truly happy.
Think about it for a moment. Think about the times when you’re feeling really happy and I bet every single time there was an element of gratitude tied in with that happiness.
I’m incredibly grateful for being able to be a Life Coach. I’m grateful for my wife, my home, my dogs, my health (even though it sometimes sucks!) and that you’re taking the time out of your day to read this post.
This last week I got hammered by Google because my SEO guy was doing some stuff that he shouldn’t have been doing and I’d taken my eye off the ball.
I could sit and sulk that I have gone from page 1 to 4 and let it ruin my weekend.
Or I could be grateful I have some cool friends notably Tony Teegarden, Matt Fox and Tim Gary that helped bail me out with some excellent advice.
I’m also incredibly grateful that Google didn’t deindex me because that would have been way worse.
I’m not trying to hold myself up as some bastion of virtue, because quite frankly I’m not, I can be a dick sometimes, as can we all.
Do You Think You’re Unlucky?
However, I do know which side my bread is buttered on and I do know that I have it better than 99% of the worlds population.
The people who failed to send a an email of thanks to me or something similar to Bob, probably think they’re unlucky, never win anything and that the Universe is conspiring against them.
It’s not, the Universe doesn’t give a shit about them, they’re conspiring against themselves by refusing to exercise their gratitude muscles.
Jeez I can’t believe I just wrote ‘gratitude muscles’ that sounds so cheesy.
But sometimes cheesy is true and even though gratitude is done to death in self development circles, that’s because it’s possibly the most powerful positive emotion.
- Try and be angry and grateful – you can’t.
- Try and be jealous and grateful – you can’t
- Try and be vindictive and grateful – you can’t
- Try and be miserable and grateful – you can’t
Gratitude kicks the ass of all of those negative emotions and then comes back for more.
If more people could appreciate what they have rather than dwelling on what they don’t have, the world would have a lot more happy people.
Tell me one thing (or many if you like) you’re grateful for in the comments and I bet you feel better for doing so.
Calling Life Coaches
In my previous post I offered two spaces for Life Coaches on a pilot scheme I’m running. One of the people that originally booked a place has pulled out saying she just has a gut feeling that the timing isn’t right for her.
As a coach that talks so much about listening to gut instincts, how could I argue with that?
So if you’re a coach and want help in growing your business, check out the post.
I’m also still looking for specialist coaches and in particular, career coaches, financial coaches, retirement coach, executive coaches and any coach or therapist that specializes in anger management issues.
if that’s you or you know a great coach that fits into that group and would like some increased exposure please let me know.
Very good post Tim (I only just realized you don’t post blog updates to FB anymore – I’ve been missing out!)!
In his excellent book “Your Money or Your Life” Joe Dominguez touches very nicely on this subject – gratitude is key to knowing when you have enough – being grateful for what you have can prevent the excesses and grasping that lead to so many people being unhappy…
I do mate??? Not sure why you’re not seeing them. Maybe it’s because I post them to my A Daring Adventure page and not my personal page?
http://www.facebook.com/adaringadventure
There are so many things I have to be grateful for, but if I had to pick just one then it’d have to be my wife. She has directly made me a better person in several ways. And even when she hasn’t directly helped me to improve, she’s provided the support, love and space for me to become a better person under my own steam. Thank you, sweetheart!
I’m really interested in the psychology behind gratitude. My wife and I know for certain just how powerful gratitude is. Every night just before sleep, we play the “3 Things, 1 Thing” game. This is where we have to tell each other 3 good things that happened to us today, plus 1 good thing we’re looking forward to tomorrow. It’s a great habit to get into because it re-enforces a positive outlook.
Recently when I was trying to help a friend to be more positive (she was worried about sliding into depression again), I suggested that she practiced gratitude. I was somewhat surprised when she replied that she was already practicing gratitude. Now, this lady is one of the most habitually negative people I know, with very low daily Moodscope scores. It fascinates me that people can THINK they’re being positive when in fact the majority of the time they’ve got a very negative outlook. I guess it’s because no-one wants to admit to themselves that they’re a negative person. It’s probably something to do with cognitive dissonace. But then if people can’t see that they have a problem, they’re unlikely to do much to change. Frustrating!
I think that the best approach is for everyone, no matter how positive we think we are already, to practice more gratitude. And make it habitual, i.e. practice it several times per day until it starts becoming routine/automatic.
Often it’s only when we look back with hindsight that we realise that we were actually a lot more negative than we thought we were. And there’s always room for improvement!
This is a brilliant habit, and I’m stealing it!
Tim,
I appreciate the mention and am happy to help. I appreciate our banter online and via skype. If you need anymore just shoot me an email.
I look forward to our continued friendship.
Me too!
In this world, people are trying to find happiness in some other way whether in relationship, power, beauty, wealth, prestige or whatsoever. But the fact is nothing in this world that can really satisfy us. We should understand that we are not matter, we are spiritual in nature and since that we are not matter, material things cannot really satisfied us; nothing in this world can really makes us happy. We may taste some pleasure but wont last forever; its all passing and temporary.
We are just like a fish outside the water whose trying to find happiness in the land, but the land is not his natural habitat, he wont be happy nor satisfied no matter what and later on he will die. Similarly we are not belong to this place and having a human form of life is very rare so we should be smart enough and responsible for our action— its out duty to find how we can be out in this world and go back to home.
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” – Teilhard de Chardin
I’m grateful that a great guy named Tim Brownson wrote a wonderful post on gratitude!
Often in my journal (when I remember to write in it, that is), I write down 5 things I am grateful for that day. It’s not always big things. A lot of times it might be a simple event that happened or someone who is in my life. But I find that doing this helps me keep a positive focus on life.
On my own blog, I try to thank those who comment (or at least the ones that I approve) for the comment and/or for visiting my site. It doesn’t take long, and I think it goes a long way to helping develop positive relationships.
Thanks for the great post!
Thanks Grady!
There has been some research lately that intimates that adopting a gratitude journal can reduce the likelihood of depression. What a great reason to adopt it that is.
Tim, this is one of the more informative and practical posts I’ve read.
You have given key ingredients to a grateful heart.
Keep up the good work,
Tina Walker
http://essentiallc.com/
Thanks Tina!
Hoo boy. What a great post. Sadly, it’s a trend. When I was little we had to write our thank you notes before we could play with new toys received for birthdays, Christmas, etc. Did some serious gratitude muscle flexing and it has stuck. (I make our son do the same.) But I read an interesting exchange online and have experienced a situation where extremely generous gifts for showers and weddings go un-thank you noted — not even a verbal acknowledgement. Seems in those cases the recipients feel it is their due and no thanks should be necessary. I’m pretty appalled at that way of thinking. But your point about moving to a place a gratitude comes in handy here. Instead of seething at their gross sense of entitlement (though clearly I did for awhile) it feels better to move on and focus on the good stuff. Things I must be grateful for could fill a book — and leave no room to be angry.
I had to do that too when I was a kid. I hated it at the time, but now I’m grateful. And very coincidentally, I got a card yesterday from my niece thanking myself and my wife for putting her up for two weeks.
She’s 27 and to send a hand written card via real mail rather than saying nothing or just shooting off an e-mail definitely made a huge difference.
I also think many have a sense of entitlement – they believe they should be rewarded for just “showing up.” But I’m of the mind that showing up isn’t enough. If you want to win you have to play hard, play smart and see things through to the end.
I am grateful for some degree of financial security in an unpredictable economy and job market; the gorgeous spring weather; the hot cup of coffee which I’ll pour as soon as I submit this comment; and my beautiful boys (husband and son) who always greet with me with smiles at the end of a long work-day.
I’m grateful for the coffee I’m drinking as I read your comment about being grateful for coffee you’re about to drink ;-)
Oh, and I’m grateful for your comment too, as I am all of them!
And I mustn’t forget the ability to spell check on the go with autocorrect. Without that my responses would be gibberish at best.
Hate to say it but I’m not surprised either. I was a district manager in direct sales for nearly a decade – meaning I was an employee of the company – and my district included roughly 1,000 representatives. Most were of the opinion my role in life was to be there for them 24/7 to make their lives easier. Heaven knows I tried, but in hindsight I have to say it was the most miserable, thankless job I’ve even had.
Hi Tim,
Funnily enough, I posted a brief ‘story’ on my Fb page & Twitter earlier this morn on “gratitude”…many fail to recognise it as a real strength …when it’s used(often). Keep up the great work…I’m grateful for what you do
be good to yourself
David
Yep, a huge strength.
One of my favorite assignments is to have people write down 8 things for which they are grateful. The first 3 or 4 are usually easy, family, work, house, etc… but beyond that, they are challenged to really dig deep. I also had a project going last year for the 90 days prior to Thanksgiving called the Gratitude Project. 90 days of posting something you are grateful for every day. I did it and it changed my life.
Wow, you’d think 10 would be a doddle really so I’m surprised people get stuck around 4. OTOH, after reading here maybe I’m not and maybe I’m just naive?
I’m grateful for this blog and your sense of humour. Thank-you Tim.
Thanks a lot Betty and I’m grateful that your grateful ;-)
I wholeheartedly agree with this post, and am also grateful for you and your blog, Tim!
I’m not always perfect at remembering to be grateful for what I have, by any means, but I do my best. I keep a book of gratitude lists and try really hard to remember to thank people for things they do for me. And whenever I can, I try to remember to look for the gift in any seemingly bad or irritating situation. These things don’t keep me living in bliss, but I sure think I’d be much worse off without them!
I can’t remember where I first read this, but it is by far the most powerful way I have for remembering to be grateful, and I pull it out when I’m truly struggling: “Picture everything and everyone you have in your life right now, and how you’d feel if it was all taken away from you. Then picture how you’d feel if you woke up the next morning and someone had given it all back.”
The overwhelming feeling of gratitude I feel when I do this never fails to at least put a dent in my pity party!
That is VERY powerful, I like it, thanks for sharing Lynn.
Hey Lynn. I really like that exercise, thanks. It reminds me of the Buddhist idea of facing up to death, rather than avoiding it. By doing so, we find we have a much greater appreciation for life and everything/one in it.
I wish I was surprised that only two thanked you. I’m not. I give people help, tips, and methods to stop smoking, lose weight, deal with stress, and all of my other faves at no charge. I enjoy helping people. I know some of them can afford my service, but it doesn’t bother me. What amazes me is how few of them are genuinely grateful. Now, gratitude is among the first lessons I teach anyone whether they pay or not. I consider Gratitude so important that I put a Moving Art video on my About Page urging any visitor to take away that one thing.
Good post, Tim! For that, and most of your others, I’m grateful today.
What the hell went wrong? I’m sure it hasn’t always been like this. Or maybe I’m turning into my dad and remembering what I want to remember.
I was taught by my mother to ALWAYS say thank you and have passed that seemingly obvious politeness on to my children. No one has ever been taken aback by my thanks; I find that odd in the extreme. Maybe its a culture thing. Thank yous are not rare in my experience either. It is not and should not be a big deal; unless, of course, it is missing. And here comes my main reason for commenting: Tim, how on earth do you maintain your positive upness, bearing in mind you are dealing with humans???
Ecstasy and jack Daniels!
Or maybe it’s just that I am talking to people about this kind of stuff every day. Eventually it becomes part of who you are and my reactions just change over time.
Make no mistake though, I can still get arsey and moody. It’s just that these days I’m happy to admit that and I snap myself out of it a lot quicker than 10 years ago when my moods could go on for days.
I am really grateful about so many things which I try to remind to myself every single day.I am grateful about my wonderful family,about my so great friends,about my country,about history,about love,about games,about knowledge,about my religion,about my heart that was broken but it works pretty damn well,about the people who used to be my friends but thanks to their horrible behavior they made me realize the meaning of friendship and find true friends and I am grateful about so many things that would make you read this post till the next day :D Also,I am grateful about you blogging and about the lovely purple sky after the sunset outside my window :D
Have a great day mate and really,thanks for all these posts that make my days brighter and make me wanna fight every day to make myself better and the world greater :D
I know what you mean about friends. Moving to another country is a great way to help you realize what friends you should be grateful for having and which, not so much!
So amazing that you wrote this post today – I read it immediately after replying to one of my fellow COMENSA (the coaching body in South Africa) committee members about how demotivating it is to have only 5% of the members responding to our AGM notices. We do a great job, for nothing other than the love of coaching and the desire to connect with other coaches, and I expect more of them when it comes to pulling their weight when asked to participate or at the very least, reply.
That said, yesterday marks 9 months since my mom was killed, and my main source of confusion comes from being angry and grateful in very rapid cycles.. so much so that it seems simultaneous. I’m so angry that some loser could just rock our lives like that, and grateful for the grace surrounding us when she died (there are loads of things that gave us closure and really left me peaceful about her death), and even grateful to him for committing suicide a few days later and letting us avoid a lengthy trial, and angry that he couldn’t even give us some closure by facing us to tell us why.. It’s this very mix of emotions that I have found incredibly humbling – I never thought it was possible to be so angry and so grateful about the same situation, but it seems that it is (it’s also possible not to hate someone who killed your loved one). The result of having that gratitude is that I’ve been able to be gracious about the situation, and use it to have a positive impact on my environment – I shared my story. I think (or hope) I’ve made a slight difference to the way people look at things like this.
I’m sure you have Janet because people are bound to think “If she can act like that under such terrible circumstances, maybe I don’t need to be such an ass hat because a guy cut me up in traffic”
Hopefully anyway ;-)
Hey brother thanks for the acknowledgement. I’m glad I could be there to support you and smooth out the waters a bit. I acknowledge the good you’re attempting to do in the world and this is but a speed bump in life as I like to say ;-)
There’s no mistake we both wrote a post on gratitude on the same day LOL.
Rock on!
I agree it is a minor speed bump and I’m already planning on getting the pedal to the metal sooner rather than later.
Thanks again for your help.
I’m thankful for you Tim. You give us lots of ideas, thoughtful advice and you make us each feel important. That’s a gift.
I love your idea of learning to flex your “gratitude muscles.”
I actually cringed when I typed that, but hey, if it works, right?
Spot on Tim – one of your best blog entries. I suspect that exercising those gratitude muscles makes it easier and easier to access gratitude which really can help to fade out the negative voices. And when we are in a good mood, and more able to see clearly what there is to be grateful for, that’s a good time to build up that back-catalogue, ready to access the next time we’re down.
Yes, you nailed it mate!
BTW, Thursday aint the same without you ;-)
I’m always shocked after I read this blog. What kind of life coaching pyramid scheme are you running now?!?
Oh, never mind…pilot scheme. that sounds worse for some reason.
Also, was this whole post on gratitude an explanation of why you’re never going to offer a book free again? :)
I’m grateful for this blog, that I can still read it for free and you still regularly post (even though you threatened that you were just going to post whenver you felt like it)
That has proved really weird because I just happen to have been feeling like it more often. When the pressure was on to post it occasionally felt like a chore, but now I don’t have to, it doesn’t.
Aren’t we weird things, human beings?
Oh Tim I’m glad I sent you a thank you note recently! I’m grateful for love, family, learning, the freedom to experiment, sea salt dark chocolate, meditation, the Internet for so much, my dad for working so hard there is plenty of momey to take care of mom, the weirdness of dogs, art, books, tea, trees, the woods and the sun today, my friends, the chance to teach, writing, eye glasses, yoga, computers, my daughte singing , my gosh it’s kind of hard to quit! And you Tim!
And I’m extremely grateful for you commenting.
And yes I’m grateful fro weird dogs too as one rolls around on the floor beside me now and is making some very strange “I want to got for a walk noises”
I am grateful for my wonderful husband, my awesome step son, two beautiful dogs and a delicious Cat, amazing friends, my health, work I love, a home that is my sanctuary, the privilege of so much when others have so little, and for a life that keeps me learning, growing and loving it even more with every moment.
And yes! I feel better for saying so : )
And you can be grateful I’m going to have you as my relationship coach on my new page when I set it up!
And now I have even more to be grateful for!
Thank you, a million times thank you! I really appreciate the opportunity, and your support.
Let me a have a photo and short bio by the end of the week Rachael.
This is slightly off-topic but the act of thanking someone is so rare these days that when you take the trouble to do so, you stand out.
Thanking people is so simple, so meaningful and reaps dividends multiple times over. It completely befuddles me why more people don’t do it even when you consider it from a completely self-interested perspective. People love you forever if you just thank them.
It’s not off topic at all, it’s bang on topic and I agree 100%!
I agree Alison. In fact it has made me feel a little self conscious at times because I like to make sure my thanks are expressed and people often seem a little taken aback by it.
Having read Tim’s post on how it feels NOT to be thanked, I feel a lot better about giving my gratitude freely.
“However, I do know which side my bread is buttered on and I do know that I have it better than 99% of the worlds population.”-This is one statement that I always remember to keepp my focus. Otherwise I will lose it too.
You and me both mate!