I was out on my bike this weekend when I rode past a garage sale and decided to take a peek at what was up for grabs.

A wild white haired guy with bulging eyes, wearing a white coat seemed to be orchestrating things, shuffling back and forth between the browsers explaining what some of the more bizarre items were.

I spotted a small brown box with ‘Handle with Caution’ written on the side and this piqued my curiosity.

I lay my bike down and walked over to the box to take a peek inside.

Immediately the owner went to block my way, stuttering and stammering that it was a mistake and that box wasn’t part of the sale.

“Well what is it here for then?” I asked the now obviously nervous man.

“It was a mistake Marty” he said.

As Mad As A March Hare

“Well tough, I know my rights and I’m going to take a look anyway. And who the fuck is Marty you total loon?”

His mouth opened and closed with nothing coming out and his arms gesticulated in a manner I took to mean he had no idea what he was talking about.

He sighed heavily, dropped his arms and muttered, “Ok then, if you must take a look, be my guest”

The box was a lighter than I expected as I picked it up, so I leaned my right knee against the garage wall and used it to balance it on as I opened the top.

There was a metal object that looked not unlike a very small car alternator inside with a metal label and the words ‘flux capacitor’ written on it riveted to one side.

“Fuck me! Is this what I think it is?” I asked.

The man looked sheepish. “It may be, not really sure what you mean” and started whistling quietly to himself.

“It is, isn’t it?”

He shuffled awkwardly and looked at his feet, “Yeh, but I want at least 10 bucks for it”

“10 bucks? You must be mad, I could get one on Craigs List for $5 tops”

“Alright, alright, five bucks  it is then, but don’t go making a time machine and fucking about with the space time continuum”

I’m Making A Time Machine

“Bollocks to that old man, I have some changes to make in history” and I immediately started to attach it to my cross bar with some tape that was lying on the floor.

“You do realize that to go back in time you will have to cycle at 23mph and no way will that shitty mountain bike of yours go that fast with your puny legs powering it”

“It will if I take it to the top of a hill”

“This is Florida you ass clown, there are no hills round here!” he declared looking triumphant.

“Well what about that one?” I said and pointed to a massive great hill behind him that admittedly hadn’t been there 5 minutes ago.

“Oh that’s fucking cheating! You made that hill didn’t you? You total bastard” he said pointing a bony accusatory finger at me.

I smirked knowingly, “Well yeh, maybe I did. But who cares it’s there now and I’m off to the top.”

“Before you go, you need to know one thing young man”

Now I knew he was barking mad as I hadn’t been called ‘young man’ by anybody with 20-20 vision since George Bush Snr was President.

‘To travel back in time you have to be infinitely small and infinitely dense. In other words you’ll be crushed to death if you attempt it. I read it on Wikipedia or in some Stephen Hawking book or somewhere like that”

My Time Machine Suit

I laughed, “But don’t you see? I have a time traveling suit made out a donkey jacket, some MC Hammer pants and a pair of welly-bobs”

“A jacket made from donkey!” he screamed, that’s outrageous! And what the fuck are welly-bobs?”

“Not real donkey you idiot. It’s a workers coat. And welly-bobs are Wellington boots, named after the Duke of Wellington. The man that is. not the Pub of the same name”

“He slapped his forehead with his palm. “Of course, why didn’t I think of that? That would work. As long as the MC Hammer pants are tucked into the boots”

“Duh” I said “I’m not stupid”

I handed him his $5 and set off up the hill ready to head back in time and make just one change.

I really don’t want to make any major changes, he has a point with the space time continuum malarkey.

What Would You Do?

I could kill Hitler, but who knows what that repercussions that would have on the world.

The same goes for Stalin, or Pol Pot.

It is tempting to kill the bastard who designed pop up ads or the Hummer or even Hot Pockets, but again I don’t want to trigger some weird cause and effect.

So I think I’ll just opt for taking up meditation a decade before I did and leave it at that.

Even this is risky, as I may make myself so chilled I never leave sales and become a Life Coach, but I’m willing to take that tiny risk.

You may be thinking that all that was a dream I had on Saturday night after eating too much cheese.

But you’d be wrong, I really have a time machine and you can borrow it.

You just have to tell me in the comments, what is the one thing you will change if I’m generous to lend it you for an hour.

Image Courtesy of Noah (ax0n)