Reverse Engineering Your Brain
I must admit to being a bit of a zealot when it comes to the correct use of language in a Life Coaching environment.
I wrote an entire post, subtitled Stop Whyning, on the reasons the word ‘why ’as the first word in a question is almost never useful in a coaching environment, with the possible exception of discussing core values.
It’s also the reason I almost always point out when clients are using inappropriate language that removes choices and increase stress levels.
Words like should, must, need, should, have to, got to etc are, on the whole, a big no-no with me.
I often describe my approach to Life Coaching as being akin to reverse engineering. I cannot change your emotions and feelings, only you can do that.
But I can point out errors in language which, if acted upon, will then allow you to change the way you think and thus the associated emotions.
It’s one of the reasons working one-on-one with a Life Coach can be much more effective than simply reading a book on self development. Books cannot offer feedback, books cannot listen and books cannot interject no matter how much you or I love them.
You probably already know that I have been really getting into meditation these last few months and as such have been reading more on the subject to gain a greater understanding.
My all-time favorite audio on meditation is a brilliant 6 part series called The Inner Art of Meditation by Jack Kornfield (al)
It occurred to me the other day that I hadn’t listened to this in a couple of years so I decided to load it onto my phone and revisit it.
I was on my daily hound walk earlier this week and was listening to the part of the book where Kornfield starts to talk about the 8-fold path which in Buddhist tradition is:
- Right View
- Right Intention
- Right Speech
- Right Action
- Right Livelihood
- Right Effort
- Right Mindfulness
- Right Concentration
Mind Your Language
It was the Right Speech bit that caught my attention because it aligned so much with what I talk to clients about.
More than that though, it demonstrated the incredible power of language, a power that many people never even come close to realizing.
I want to tell you a story that Kornfield tells in the audio book that beautifully demonstrates the capacity of language to initiate change.
A Sufi Master arrives at a village to heal the sick child of a village elder. He says a few simple prayers at the boys beside and then stands up and announces to the watching crowd that the boy will be well.
One of the villagers watching was less convinced and said with contempt “What do you mean the boy will be well when all you have done is said a few words?”
The Master turns to him and says loudly and in front of all the village, “What do you mean to say that? You know nothing of this you are an absolute totally ignorant fool.”
The mans face turned crimson with rage and he started to shake violently he was so angry. He marched over to the Master and was about to strike him when the Master said:
See, if a word or two can turn you red and fill you with energy and anger. Why shouldn’t a few other words have the power to heal?”
No idea if the kid made it or was dead by lunch time, but you get the general gist.
Have also been reading Dr. Caroline Leaf who has published a couple of books about inner language and how it can program us for success or failure. “Right livelihood” is most definitely requiring my attention as I know I’m not working in the right place/role at the present time — pretty serious conflict of values. Very thankful for this job, though, as I’ve learned a ton of useful skills and it’s kept my bills paid :) As always … good stuff, Tim. Thanks.
And that’s it Debi, sometimes we have to push through a value conflict for practicalities sake. in those circumstances I would advise doing exactly what you are doing in terms of focusing on what you’re grateful for.
Well done you!
This is a great post Tim. It reminded me of how powerful language can be in terms of self-talk and what we say about ourselves internally. A few unwise words can end up causing us to feel bad about ourselves and the world. On the otherhand some carefully chosen words said to ourselves has the potential to transform our lives.
Agree 100% Hiten!
Powerful reminder.
Liked the humor at the end too. :-)
Thanks Susie!
Tim, Why….. oh never mind…
thanks for the reminder on the power of language and the explicit example from Jack’s book. Time to be more mindful!
The book is really great Mick. two just incredible examples of forgiveness in it that blew me away.
I vow my heads to people like you guys. Having to coach a personal development is not an easy job but you were awesome. It does only mean that you’re motivated compared to anybody else. You’re capability coaching someone’s life is a very big endeavor. Thanks to people like you
Er yeh, thanks dude!
Hi Tim,
On another angle, Words…..can hurt,can harm,can hinder, however can help and can be heroic. As we know, words are generally the verbalisation of our thoughts…..think “right”, speak “right”…..makes sense to me at least.
be good to yourself
David
Those Buddhist do tend to make a lot of such. Who’d have thought it, eh?
I have a sure-fire business proposition for you. It’s simple. All we need is a time machine. Then we can zip forward into the 23rd century, when we’ll have the ability to fit the entire knowledge & wisdom of the world’s best life coaches (Tim being the pinnacle, of course) onto a chip the size of half an atom. We can implant this chip in our heads and then it can be our own personal life coach / thought police, 24/7.
Because goddamn it, (I used a slightly stronger word at first, but toned it down for a family audience), when you are stuck in a cycle of sub-optimal thinking using some of these less-than-ideal language patterns, it is DAMN hard to detect it, never mind force yourself to do something out it. Please tell me that with practice it gets easier, because even now, over a year after I really started sorting out my thinking and language, I still sometimes got for days at a time where my mission in life seems to be to make myself miserable.
Good job I’m hiring you soon, isn’t it! :)
Yeh it get’s much easier. I rarely find myself slipping into using inappropriate language these days. Well not unintentionally anyway!
“No idea if the kid made it or was dead by lunch time, but you get the general gist”
Genius.
He probably only had a cold.
This does remind me of some case studies into the power of voodhoo curses. Or rather the power of a suggestable mind.
A guy in all seriousness the other day tried to tell me the St Louis Rams had a curse on them and he knew it was true because a very old black dude in a shop in New Orleans told him. Seriously, wtf???
I think creating awareness with our clients around the power and impact of language (both positive and negative) can bring really profound and deep realisations. And from there they can move towards change.
Another topic to add to your things that should be taught in school post!!!
I agree Ali, and I thought of another one the other day. How to eat! I never even realized until relatively recently that if we eat too quickly saliva cannot help digest our food properly and we can get stomach issues.