I had a really interesting conversation with a client the other day after we had spent some time doing the core values exercise.

She wanted to know what the best way was to apply the information that we had uncovered to improve the quality of her life.

That sounds like a really obvious question, but it’s one I seldom get asked and it had me wondering if other clients thought the same thing but didn’t like to ask.

The client in question seemed to think that knowing her core values was merely useful in retrospect.  That she could look back on an event such as an internal meeting at work and realize after the fact why it didn’t go as well as she’d liked by studying her values.

And that’s true, she could do that because most disagreements will come down to values if you dig deep enough.

For example it wasn’t difficult for me to figure out why I didn’t really care for the guy that was fitting my glasses a couple of years ago. His rant about Muslims cut straight through the heart of one of my core values, that of tolerance.

In that instance it was apparent to me immediately why I didn’t like the guy and nothing gave me greater pleasure than to say to him:

“I’m not sure I get what you’re saying because my brother-in-law is a Muslim and he seems like a really nice guy and I’m almost positive he’s never built a bomb”

Cue lots of stammering and the lamest of all lame apologizes when he responded by saying:

“Well obviously not every Muslim is a bad person.”

However I’d like to think I’m more aware of value conflicts than most people as I talk about them almost every day, and as such I should be able to spot them fairly quickly or get a new job.

And anyway, that was a blatantly obvious in-my-face conflict. Some are far more subtle and may only be spotted after the event as my client quite rightly suggested.

But there are lots more ways to use your values to improve the quality of your life and raise your happiness levels than merely to analyze something that didn’t go as planned.

Sometimes you use them pro-actively, sometimes they are ingrained and happen naturally and other times like in the example above you can use them retrospectively.

And therein lies the beauty and the importance of understanding your values because they are constantly effecting everything you do and say whether it’s by auto-pilot or because you’re in control.

I’m going to run through 4 of my top 8 values in no particular order and explain what the words mean to me (you could have very different meanings and that’s fine)  and how I use them to my benefit and in what context.

The Value Of Peace

When I refer to peace I am always meaning peace of mind. World peace is nice and I’m all for it, but at this stage in our evolutionary development it’s probably not a reality outside of Miss South Carolina’s head.

However, peace of mind can always be a reality no matter what the external circumstances. If that is you work at it and really persevere, and then work and really persevere some more.

There’s several reasons I meditate, but none more important than trying to cultivate equanimity.

People sometimes confuse equanimity with apathy when they are in no way connected. Equanimity allows you to retain your own personal power because you decide to react with calm no matter how trying the circumstances.

It doesn’t mean you’ll never be sad or that you’ll be in a permanent state of bliss, it just means you won’t spend your entire life mindlessly reacting to situations, many of which aren’t even within your control

Ingrained or needs work?

For me it most definitely requires a lot of work and it’s work that will never end. I definitely have a tendency to become defensive and grumpy if things aren’t going my way, but meditation is helping me improve that aspect of my personality.

How can I use this to be happier?

Apart from the fact that meditation has been proven to increase happiness levels amongst other benefits, the sheer fact that I’m less likely to get down under certain circumstances by default means I’m living a happier life.

The Value Of Integrity

Probably the single biggest reason I left sales was because I was regularly asked to do things that, in my opinion, lacked integrity.

As a Life Coach if I don’t act with integrity then I’m dead in the water because (hopefully) nobody in their right mind would hire a Coach who lacks integrity.

When I offered almost $1,000 worth of free coaching to somebody if I failed to go the month of November without alcohol, it would have been easy for me to have lied and not admitted to crumbling in the face of a very sexy bottle of Pinot Noir on Thanksgiving.

That would indeed have saved me some time and nobody would have ever known. Except that is, me, and I would have been extremely pissed off at myself.

Ingrained or needs work?

For me, thanks to my dad, this is largely ingrained. I’m not saying I never have to take a step back and remind myself, but it’s not something that I am actively working on like peace of mind.

How can I use this to be happier?

If integrity is important to you and you constantly act in ways that breach that value you will over time give your self esteem a good kicking.

It may seem weird and woo-woo, but I feel lighter and more at ease when I know I’m acting with integrity. It didn’t bother me to give the free Life Coaching away because the alternative was much worse.

The Value Of Freedom

Freedom is probably the value I have to be most careful with when working with clients. And the reason is it has so many definitions and I really need to make sure I fully understand what the client means when they say freedom.

For me it’s really about freedom to do what I want, when I want. Now I do understand that’s not always possible, but by and large and finances notwithstanding I have pretty much nailed this aspect since becoming a Life Coach.

Ingrained or needs work?

I think this is largely ingrained for me. If I get a request for coaching midweek at 10.00am I automatically say no because that’s when I take my dogs out and nobody messes with my dog walking!

I also get to decide when I take time off, which clients I say yes to and when I want to post a blog. Unfortunately, I don’t get to decide on whether I empty  the dishwasher or what to watch on TV, so not totally there yet.

How can I use this to be happier?

The two biggest stressors in peoples lives are lack of choice and lack of autonomy. My definition of freedom gives me choice the vast majority of the time and I working for myself I always have complete autonomy.

Therefore, as stress and happiness are almost mutually exclusive it increases my likelihood of being happier.

The Value Of Tolerance

There’s nothing that bugs me more than intolerant people, which is possibly hypercritical because that means I’m intolerant of intolerance!

If you’re reading my blog I don’t give a crap if your a Muslim or a Jew, if you’re black or white, gay or straight, Republican or Democrat, Crip or Blood because you’re obviously trying to work on yourself and improve your lot in life.

Life aint easy and I respect anybody that is trying to become a better person, even if I’m unsure what being better really means.

Ingrained or needs work?

Yikes, this definitely needs work because as I already said I can be brutally intolerant toward people, organizations, religions and cultures that persecute and ostracize people because they’re different and bad drivers!

How can I use this to be happier?

This is more abstract and has less impact on my happiness levels than the other values listed.

However, whenever I can demonstrate tolerance (and also compassion) in the face of adversity I do feel better about myself and anyway giving the finger to another driver never achieved anything positive.

Conclusion

Values are incredibly complex and even though I mention them a lot I hesitate to blog about them too often for fear of only painting part of the picture and leaving you more confused than enlightened.

I really only scratched the surface with this post, but I hope I have given you a taster of why understanding your own core values is so crucially important to the quality of your life.

If you know your values, I hope you now have a clearer idea of how you can use them to feel happier.

And remember, happiness arises in large part from doing what you consider to be the right things which always means being in alignment with your values.

Should you have a value that is important to you and don’t know how to utilize that information, drop me a blog comment and I’ll do my best to explain.

If you don’t know your own values or would simply would like to dig deeper you can check out my book on the topic and as a sweetener I’ll even give you 40% of if you use the word kaito at checkout. I will be changing that password on Sunday however, so don’t dick about! ;-)