Happiness Isn’t Just A Choice
Have you ever read on a Life Coaching blog or heard some motivational speaker or self development guru tell you that happiness is a choice?
I seem to come across this on a regular basis and it frustrates the hell out of me, because it’s crass, glib and to a large extent, inaccurate.
Not to mention it’s incredibly disingenuous to the millions of people that then presume they’re doing something wrong because no matter how hard they try they can’t seem to simply up their happiness levels at will.
The bad news is, the latest research suggests that about 50% of your happiness levels are predetermined by your genetics.
Therefore, if you are genetically predisposed to be a worrier and a fretter, it’s going to take a lot more work reversing that trend because that will always be the easiest route for your unconscious to take.
The good news however, is that it can be done and there is enough wiggle room in the 50% that you can influence to make you as happy as a dog with two bones, a pigs ear and a pair of stolen socks. However, to achieve that, it takes perseverance, commitment and a belief that you can change.
And the last part, belief, as is often the case, is probably the key.
Some people believe so strongly that their map of the world is the map of the world that they never try and change because they think change is impossible, and so to try would be a waste of time.
But let’s presume that you aren’t one of those people and that you’d really like some more happiness in your life and believe it’s possible. What can you do?
The starting point is diligently monitoring and screening everything that enters your body, and I really do mean everything.
Let me be honest, I am without doubt one of those people that has a predisposition to being grumpy and seeing the down side of things. I really have to work hard at not letting that get the better of me and I do it by trying to remove as much toxicity as possible from my life.
Toxic People
I actually dislike this phrase because I honestly don’t believe there are toxic people. I happen to think ‘toxic’ people are struggling with their own lives and are dealing with their own circumstances and insecurities in the only way they know how.
Alas, their way of dealing with things often manifests as a desire to undermine others in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
For the most part, and presuming you cannot help them, it’s best to slowly phase these people out of your life.
Unfortunately, sometimes the people that fit into this category are family or close friends and they’re not easy to remove from our lives, even if we wanted to. The only advice I can offer if you’re trapped in such a relationship is to take control of the way you view it.
Be curious and empathetic as to why they are how they are rather than being judgmental about their behaviors and actions. Be thankful you’re not like that and learn to reframe any of the crap that comes your way.
Toxic Food
When I said monitor what you put in to your body, I did say I meant everything. Your body is not designed to take vast quantities of alcohol (trust me on this one I tried it!), ingest toxic fumes from smoking or be swallowing pills by the bucket load.
Not only that, but it isn’t designed to eat highly refined foods loaded with additives and preservatives. The last half a century has seen an explosion in new medical conditions that science is struggling to explain other than via environmental factors.
I must confess, until I started researching the Paleo Diet I didn’t appreciate the negative effect on our mood eating poorly can have. I feel naive now, because when you think about it, it’s obvious.
If you put diesel into a car designed to run on gasoline it’s going to massively under-perform.
Yet millions of people every day do something similar with their bodies and the results are no more than to be expected.
We are the first generation that is sicker than the previous and even though our quality of life has supposedly improved, there are more people on medication for depression and anti-anxiety than ever before. And that number is spiraling out of control.
Toxic News
About 10 years ago I, to all intents and purposes, quit watching TV news, especially local news. It never failed to bring me down and often just before I was going to bed because TV news deals in fear.
It wants to scare and intimidate you into watching and hopes you’ll cling on to the belief that you need to watch be well informed.
My friend Bob Poole recently sent me some articles on political stuff that was happening both where he lived in Pennsylvania and also back in the UK and asked for my opinion. Bob is a great guy and I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for him, but I couldn’t finish the articles.
I could feel myself getting dragged down as I read and knew that the only outcome was me feeling pissed off about something that was completely and utterly out of my control.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be well informed. But if you want to up your happiness levels, I doubt a diet loaded with news (and I include news/gossip magazine type programs like TMZ in this category) in any of its guises will help you do so.
Toxic Thoughts
These are tricky suckers to spot and almost a decade into my own self development journey I still catch myself thinking toxic thoughts from time to time.
The specifics will vary from person to person, but any repetitive thoughts you have that put you down are toxic and need to be expunged forthwith if you are going to maximize on your happiness levels.
It’s a cliche I know, but you shouldn’t be saying anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a loved one.
Toxic Lethargy
Exercise is probably the best mood enhancer known to mankind that isn’t going to cost you a fortune and get you locked away. Exercise doesn’t just help you get fit, look good and keep the weight down, it also floods your body with beta-endorphins that raise you mood and self esteem.
If you really can’t be arsed to exercise you could try meditation (or better still, double the benefits and do both!). Whereas you wont develop a 6-pack, meditation can supply similar mood enhancing effects as well as lowering stress levels which leads to an improvement in health and thus happiness.
And finally…
We know know that helping other people lights up the same part of the brain that taking stimulant drugs like amphetamines and cocaine does, so why not increase your happiness levels by giving back. You could even go and buy a copy of How To Be Rich and Happy right now, thus getting a great book (one of only about 20 of the original print run left) and also help about 15 less well off people get their own free copy. Just sayin’ ;-)
I’d love to hear your tips on happiness. Have you done any of the above? Or maybe something completely different that I missed off? Please let me know in the comments.
Hi Tim,
I can’t stress enough how big an impact proper nutrition has. Case in point:
I’m starting paleo diet proper next week, but been eating quite low carb fare already this week and as a result my body started to get rid of excess fluids. I have researched this stuff for a long time so I knew to expect it, and knew that I’d need some additional supplementation in the beginning to offset the loss of calcium, magnesium, and potassium until the fluids are in balance again.
However, as it happens the supplements I ordered had not arrived yet. The result: an exhausted and unbelievably cranky boy who was driving his girlfriend nuts for a couple days.
Luckily I knew the cause and rushed to a pharmacy to get some magnesium and potassium supplements, and the next day was happy as ever.
I think here’s a powerful lesson: Even if you eat a sub-optimal diet, make sure that you get enough of the vital nutrients (According to Dr. Eades’ Protein Power Lifeplan, the ones most important with modern diet are Magnesium, Alpha-Lipoic Acid, Vitamin E, Vitamin C, and CoQ10 but it doesn’t harm to also get a good multivitamin supplement). They do make a huge difference.
//sami
Really intrigued to hear that Sami, as I have no abandoned the Paleo for a while as I saw a huge drop off in energy levels even though I was taking all the supplements you mention and eating really high quality Paleo stuff.
No idea what it was/is, but something really, really didn’t agree with me unless I was stuck in ‘carb flu’ for 3 months.
Let us know how you get on.
@Tim, one possible explanation is that you simply ate too little. I did some calculations couple days ago, and realized that just getting closer to 2000kcal/day would require me to eat a protein shake with coconut cream for breakfast, about 500g of meat, and some 6 eggs every day.
If you replace carbs with just vegetables you are quite likely dropping your daily caloric intake by some 600-1000 calories. Quite a significant amount, and likely to result in drop off energy as your body goes into “starvation mode” and starts conserving energy.
When I first went low-carb I ate beans, lentils or quinoa daily which quickly negates the caloric deficit while still keeping your insulin levels way more steady than if you’d eat potatoes, pasta, bread etc. When doing this I experienced a boost in energy, not a drop.
If you’re interested, I wrote more here about my experience with low-carb – although at the time it wasn’t as close to paleo as what I’m aiming at now: http://www.samipaju.com/blog/the-how-and-why-of-weight-loss.html
//sami
That was a theory a couple of other people put to me Sami and it definitely wasn’t that, I eat like a very large, very hungry horse.
I’m still playing about with all this and I think I’ll get it right eventually!
Hmm… The way I see it, short of a chemical imbalance that ought to be corrected with medication, happyness is a choice. It’s not so much a choice to BE happy instead of sad, but a choice to pursue happiness and find ways to think differently and view the world from a different perspective. It is possible to be more naturally happy than someone (I spent 20+ years dealing with depression and on medication for 3 of those years). However, in order to come out of sadness, one must decide they want to AND decide to take the necessary steps to make it happen.
Its like saying being overweight isn’t a choice. Yes, there are extenuating circumstances and not all cases are the same; however, the majority of individuals DO have that choice. They must first make the decision to NOT be overweight and then they must make the decision to pursue a healthy weight by learning about and taking action to make the necessary changes.
I do, however, agree that it is completely wreckless to make a sweeping statement without backing it with the how. How does one choose to be happy instead of sad? How does one choose to be positive? How does one make the Law of Attraction work? Without the how, an individual may very likely end up more harmed than helped.
I agree up to a point. Yes a person has to want o, but if they don’t believe they can, they’ll never get to that stage.
As for chemical imbalances, well what causes them? I have asked a couple of psychiatrist if depression has ever been observed in babies and neither knew. IOW, do the thoughts cause the imbalances or vice versa.
Let’s not go down the LoA road, I think you know my opinion on that!
I agree with you on the idea that there really are no toxic ppl. Some ppl are just stuck on negativity, but hey noone’s happy all the time – we all experience problems at some point in our lives. What if we’re the ones that’s depressed and sad? Are we not “toxic people” then according to the popular definition? It’s hypocritical to call other negative ppl toxic, and not yourself when you find yourself complaining.
That’s pretty much what I said, I don’t believe there are toxic people, although we almost all act in that way at least on occasions.
I’m kind of sitting on the fence with this topic. I DO believe that being happy is a choice or maybe it’s being content that’s a choice. I guess happy would be relative. I am naturally happy and seem to attract those that aren’t always so happy. I’m not sure if that is about their curiosity or their hope to have me rub off on them. I work hard to stay be happy/content and I am big on tracking how I spend my energy. I am aware not only of what comes into my life but what I put into others lives. I am THAT person…
I really believe that every day that you are blessed with the opportunity to live again, you are also blessed with the accountability of how your going to live that day. I think that there has to be a level of consciousness that says today, no matter what, I will be… I will not… I will not allow… and I will be an asset to to world by… Now those don’t have to be big things! If you can look back at each day and see progress,you’re moving in the right direction.
Last but not least I think a huge part of being happy is displaying a level of Mental, verbal, and physical gratitude for where we are, who we are, and what we have.
I think the reality is Dara, that there are simply a lot more people out there that are either unhappy or unsatisfied with their lives and as such the law of average suggests you are going to meet more of them!
And I agree, that it’s pretty much impossible to be in a state of gratitude and be unhappy at the same time. Gratitude is one of the single most powerful positive states to be in.
I’m very excited to be working with Tim on our forthcoming project. If you’re a life coach and you want to do a better job of attracting and then landing clients through your website, this will be perfect for you. Anyone interested in being a guinea pig in exchange for a steep discount is welcome to contact me with hopes/expectations/questions/gifts of chocolate chip cookies, etc.
As someone who struggles with non-clinical depression (in that I haven’t had anything medically diagnosed or treated) I can relate to what you’re saying here, Tim. It’s true we can’t just “decide” to “be happier”. And being happy (or worse, pretending to be) all the time isn’t good for us, anyway. There is no up without the down, and sometimes when I feel down I just let it be and feel down for a while. It won’t last that long. Maybe I just need to sleep in a little or escape with a book or movie for a bit. There’s nothing WRONG with me, it’s just life, ya know?
Having said that, I do know that action can definitely short-circuit and alter your emotions. One thing I do when I feel on the verge of feeling down (and not wanting to) is I get up and clean house (and hoo, man it needs it!). I’m not “choosing to be happy”, I’m choosing to not allow depression to best me.
I think people are just screwed in the head about happiness, anyway. Happiness is not meaning. Happiness is not love. Happiness is not a goal—it’s a side effect of other things we do. Happiness is not produced by a formula. Sometimes giving to others makes you feel happy, sometimes it makes you feel used. Sometimes drugs & alcohol make you feel happy, sometimes they make you feel ill (or slow). This whole notion of the “pursuit of happiness” is a huge lie. And, ironically, we’d probably be truly happier if we could let it go! :)
Yikes, sorry mate I left you hanging in my pending folder. Worry not I have given myself a damn good thrashing for my negligence.
I certainly agree with the sentiment behind this:
This whole notion of the “pursuit of happiness” is a huge lie. And, ironically, we’d probably be truly happier if we could let it go! :)
I had the audacity in my first book to say I thought the founding fathers got it hopelessly wrong with the whole pursuit of happiness thing. I’m still awaiting extradition ;-)
The time travel police will come for you, mark my words!
They’ll have to form an orderly line behind the music police, fashion police and mid-life crisis police.
BTW: Love the perfect gas mask graphic.
Well thought out and written post Tim. There are toxic elements everywhere: The lastest attacks on teachers, people with disabilities and unions has made me unable to sleep. My son’s life has taken a downspin. Then I spent a day with my mother and wanted to jump off a bridge (believe me when I assure you there ARE toxic people).
My solutions are to pay closer attention to all the blessings my husband gives me. I also take a walk and listen to nature. I’ll read a good suspense romance that I know will have a happy ever after. And, I over-eat (which I know is also toxic, but it comforts out the other more toxic elements).
So, 1/4 ain’t too bad.:)
I would have believed you a few years ago. I think there are people that have toxic effects, but I don’t believe at the core anybody is toxic per se.
I think you’re right, I may have to take the pigs ear away to stop the dog exploding with delight.
“I need to have a bit more tolerance and compassion with the people. I tend to be very selfish and eliminate the “life-suckers” from my life completely.”
Yeh but do you want to? If you don’t, then maybe that’s ok. After all, you have to put your own sanity first.
Yay! I’m already tuned into each and everyone of the ‘toxics’ you mentioned above. Which doesn’t mean, I effortlessly make wise choices 100% of the time. I’m no Mary Poppins ranting about unicorns and rainbows, but being able to recognize the saboteur is half the battle. I’m a news junkie, but I know which news articles I absolutely can not click on (horrific animal abuse) and when to turn it off entirely. I know that when I am exhausted, the best thing to do is exercise.
I need to have a bit more tolerance and compassion with the people. I tend to be very selfish and eliminate the “life-suckers” from my life completely. Thanks for the perspective.
But have you set the bar too high? A “dog with two bones, a pigs ear and a pair of stolen socks”, as we both know, is a pretty fricken happy dog. I mean, thats like pure, white-light bliss, can anything with out 4 legs and fur be that happy or content ?
I really have to go with you on the Toxic Lethargy big time.
Change your physiology and you can change your psychology.
I know it’s a trite saying but practicing it has been really impactful for me by integrating this with other discovers of my own.
When I discovered the link from hypoglycemia to depression, I made a lot of changes by supplementing with b12 and vitamin d along with a different diet and at least mild to moderate exercise. My moods evened out drastically and I should say over time, consistently. Depression just wasn’t much of an issue anymore.
Not sure how many people are hypoglycemic and have no idea the impact it has on their psychology especially if the other area’s like you pointed out aren’t acknowledged and dealt with as well.
The woo woo of “happiness is a choice” I agree. Not to mention the fact is it really possible to be happy “all” the time? I think that’s a farce that everyone touts and I just feel it’s BS. Then we feel there’s something wrong with us if we’re “not” happy all the time. (Because of unfair comparison)
Life is a game of ups and downs and how well we work through them I feel is based on our healthy sense of self. Take care of that self in all the area’s you talked about in your post and I feel you’ll handle life as it comes to you.
We seem to be finding more and more things that are environmentally influenced that can lead to depression Tony. I have been doing a lot of research on adrenal fatigue and that can have a similar effect to hypoglycemia.
The real shame is that the public is woefully undereducated with this stuff and that needs to change imho.
What a great topic and point. I’m a happy guy, but even so I am tired of people waving around that phrase like it’s a magic wand that instantly grants happiness to those who “choose.”
I must have hitched a ride on your same train of thought because I’ve been writing about emotions the last couple days as well. We have a free upcoming webinar Emotional Intelligence: Secret Ingredient to Workplace Success coming up that may be of interest to readers of this subject. http://bit.ly/dKzYAg
Ooooo, I like secrets ;-)
Perhaps you don’t “choose” to switch on happiness like you choose to switch on a light. But you do indeed choose it none the less by your habits of thought. The operative word is habit. It’s like anything else in life, to get adept at it, requires practice. You need to choose happiness more frequently and constantly then you choose worry or judgement or frustration. That’s all. That choice is always available. It’s only easier to choose worry when you practice worry. Yes—circumstances and health can be conducive to one or the other; but if you can’t choose your thoughts I don’t like your chances of improving much else.
50% of your happiness is determined by genetics!? Care to cite that study? I must say I’m highly skeptical.
It’s only easier to choose worry when you practice worry
That simply isn’t true for a lot of people mate it’s an urban myth, but the explanation of why it isn’t true would take me longer to write than the post itself.
This post partially answers it.
Not that I disagree with everything you say by any means, and the methods I talked about are all about developing habits.
The happiness set point has been established for a while now and I have read about it from people like Harvard Professor of Psychology, Daniel Gilbert, world renowned expert om positive psychology, Barbara Fredrickson, the worlds leading coach, Michael Neill and I also ‘think’ it came up in Your Brain At Work by David Rock, but not 100% sure with the latter.
Who did the original research? I’m not sure although I have Marty Seligman in my mind for some reason. It shouldn’t take you too long to track down on Google.
“If you have a tendency to think negatively, you will need to expend more energy to break that pattern and think positively.”
Agreed. And sounds like the same sentiment to me. Different strokes for different folks, but I’ve certainly seen the truth of this in my own life; and others. Urban myth? A little dismissive, me thinks.
I wan’t dismissing you and I apologize if that’s the way it came across, my bad.
However, I am dismissing the idea because it has been proven without any doubt that it’s not true.
The thing is Lech, some interesting ideas get so ingrained in self development thinking (often because they are lovely to believe) that it’s almost impossible to break them. To some extent that’s a case in point.
Anybody that has a strong predisposition to being unhappy or suffering from severe depression is not served by being told to simply change their thinking. They can’t do it just like that!
It’s like telling a cancer patient to just get better. And no, I’m not exaggerating in many cases. So we need to explain in detail what they can do and why certain things will help and others wont.
Oh, no worries at all, Tim! I didn’t take it personally :) I totally agree with you that such trite little phrases are unhelpful when someone is really struggling. I feel the same way about advice to “take action” and “just do it”. It’s just cliched rhetoric that misses the point as to why people have trouble doing that. And I’m by no means saying that just changing your thinking is easy—it’s not at all. But it is necessary, IMO. And practicing makes it easier. Perhaps it’s not the right advice for everyone (it it ever?). But for some people it is effective (again, case in point) so I think there’s still value to that idea.
We can use our genetic pre-dispositions as an excuse, or we can decide we’re going to triumph in-spite of them. Just ask Nick Vujicic.
I’m scuttling off to Google Nick Vujicic now!
Hi Tim! I’m excited about your launch with Michael! I don’t know him very well, but he seems like a very cool & interesting fellow to work with.
As for my happiness, this goes with Toxic Thoughts: Toxic Expectations (Shoulds). This is something that you really helped me with during coaching, but I’m still a work in progress.
For example, I was feeling overly concerned that people understand the exact reasoning why I am putting all four of my small children in day camps/childcare this summer even though I work from home. You know, because I *should* want to be with them every second possible and I *should* be able to manage all of my children all of the time without going bonkers. Otherwise, why would I have them, no?
Which is actually kind of ridiculous because people tell me all of the time that they are impressed with how much I do with my children and expose them to and they are all generally well behaved. But, if I’m feeling tired or otherwise low, those expectations of what an ideal mother would be like weigh very heavily on me and I feel miserable. I think a lot of people struggle with this kind of thing.
The toxic lethary is huge. The less I do, the less I want to do and the harder it is to convince myself to take that first step.
I agree with you, just saying “Happiness is a choice” is far too glib and it ignores the very real challenges that individuals face. That’s actually something I’ve been thinking about; how I could use what I’ve learned in achieving happiness for myself to do something positive in my community to help children grow up to be empowered, happy people. I think people want to put a self-esteem band-aid on children and expect them to be able to sort things out for themselves.
Heh, better close before I go on a long, long rant on how we treat children in this country and then wonder why so many of them go bad.
I demand a rant about how we treat children in this country and then wonder why so many of them go bad!
I’d bet a years wages that you’re a great mom.
How big is your database? Heh.
Actually, over the past six months or so I’ve realized that I will find a way to use the skills I’ve learned over the past few years blogging/copywriting to do something to help children and parents. I’d like to start in my own community and then branch out into writing books that talk about what works and what doesn’t.
But everything on that list that’s toxic for adult happiness is probably twice as bad for children. We give our children the absolute worst crap to eat, many of them get less outdoor time than prisoners, we teach them to be scared and suspicious of everyone that crosses their path and to ONLY pay attention to negative intuition and not to the positive intuition to be social and curious, we over-schedule them and ignore their need for time to roam and daydream and putz around and find out what inspires them.
My dream is to find a way to get entire communities involved and excited about raising and teaching ALL of the children. The wonderful thing is, that the things that are good for children (lots of wide open public spaces, safe sidewalks, community centers, strong social services network) are good for all of us!
Wow, you should talk to my blog designer,she’s very ,much into what you’re talking about!
Check out @louisevarre omn Twitter if you haven’t already, she’s brilliant!
Thanks Tim! I’d love to have somebody to gab with. I’m in the Okay, I know I want to do something, but what? phase.