“But I’m her mother it’s my duty to worry about her”

‘Really? Was there a contract that you signed in blood or dare I say it amniotic fluid, whilst giving birth to her?”

Thus went a conversation I had with the mother of a client recently. I’d just made the fatal error of telling her there was no need to worry because her daughter was doing fine. Unsurprisingly she didn’t reply by saying “Well thank heavens for that, why didn’t you tell me before? What a fool I’ve been. I’ll stop worrying this instant and get on with my life with a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. Good day to you kind sir!”

No, what actually transpired was 5 minutes of her vehemently defending her right, to worry about anything she wished to worry about. I’m no expert on the US Constitution, but I was almost expecting her to announce there had been a 28th Amendment slipped in along with the financial rescue package recently that read:

“It is the right and the obligation of every parent to incessantly worry about the future of their children. They must always put their children first even when this harms both themselves and the development of the child concerned.

Worrying about a college education must start before the age of 4 years old and continue until all schooling has been completed. When not worrying about their education, parents must rotate worrying about their kid’s health, the suitability of their friends, the likelihood of Space Cows falling on their heads and whether or not they may be gay or have liberal tendencies, or heaven forbid, both!

Failure to carry out this amendment will result in nothing much at all other than some strange looks from other parents that have embraced this approach like a load of drunken lemmings signing up for base jumping classes.  However, success in carrying out this dictum to the letter will probably result in misery, sleepless nights, unhappiness, wasted opportunities and ill health.”

That lovable old rogue Wayne Dyer summed up worrying brilliantly when he said (and I paraphrase) “You can worry about things you can control and you can worry about things that are out of your control. If they are in your control, why worry about them, just do something. If you can’t influence them, why worry about them because nothing you do will have any effect?

Profound stuff I think you’ll agree and if you don’t agree, you’re wrong because Wayney knows his onions and I strongly suspect, his shallots, leeks and various types of garlic too.

Most people justify their chronic worrying be declaring it’s a call to action. Yet most of the time they don’t even heed that call when they get it. They just sit around fretting and thinking that any minute now they’ll get off their ass and do something. Alas their ass usually stays where it is and the cycle of worrying and negative thoughts continues unabated.

To date you have dealt with every minor and major issue that has arisen in your life. EVERY single one. That’s why you’re here reading this blog. You’re a survivor and have avoided every big fish that wanted to gobble you up, and as such, deserve a hearty pat on the back. Well done you! If you died whilst reading that last sentence, please accept my condolences. I apologize for my lack of tact and I hope you had a good innings.

Many people think that worrying is a necessary part of life, even an inherent part of life. Clients often say things to me like “I’m just a born worrier, I can’t help it” or “Sometimes I worry that I have forgotten what I should be worrying about (honestly I have heard that not once, but twice!).  Of course, the former is simply not true. NOBODY is a born worrier.  I accept some people may inherit more of a tendency to worry, but you can unlearn tendencies if you want to badly enough.

Whereas we don’t need to worry and make ourselves ill, we do need to show concern about certain situations and act accordingly. If you find a lump where there shouldn’t be a lump you have two choices. You can demonstrate your concern and desire to make sure everything is ok by making an appointment to see a doctor. Alternatively, you can sit and fret about it and do nothing and hope it goes away.

That little rascal Nature has a habit of playing cruel tricks on us, because the double whammy with illness is that worrying actually increases the chances that you’ll not be able to fight off the condition. Or at the very best you’ll take longer to do so.

Worrying and anxiety reduce the body’s ability to deal with illness dramatically. People who say “I’m worried sick about my kids” are often not exaggerating. The really sad part though is they don’t know it at the time. They think they’re just using a throw away line no different to saying “I was scared to death” or “I’m dog tired” What actually happens is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy and they actually do worry themselves sick. Note: It is unlikely that you will turn into a dog using language like that, but let’s not rule anything out.

It may only mean they pick up the occasional cold that they’d otherwise have shaken off, but equally it can mean they become an early and unnecessary stroke or heart attack victim. Before you start worrying that you’re going to worry yourself into having a stroke, there’s an alternative and you can do something proactive.

As with most of this self-development malarkey, you have to believe in your ability to change. Without self-belief things will stay pretty much as they are. To start with, you’re probably not even going to try and change because you think I’m posting out of my ass again. Secondly, at an unconscious level you’re going to be fighting the process all the way because deep down you ‘know’ you’re not being realistic.

I understand that simply telling a worrywart to stop worrying is pointless. It’s about as likely to succeed as telling a manic-depressive to cheer up, a sever procrastinator to “just do it” or Sarah Palin to stop grinning inanely. If you’re a worrier you need to know HOW to stop worrying and I’m the man to tell you…next time.